Not quite feeling myself this week…

I haven’t written in awhile – it’s not really that there’s not much been much happening but rather that the stuff that has been happening I think you would all find boring; its all wedding party stuff really:

Trying to source a wedding cake: My hot tip is to not do too many bookings on the one day – eating cake samples every 2nd hour does not clense the palate and DOES interfere with the weight that one is desperately trying to lose!

Dress fittings: I had my calico one today and am amazed at how cold it was standing in a room in all but a calico dress. I think I handled the whole pinning situation rather well and must give props to the designers assistant who did not prick me once!

Bridesmaid issues – actually there certainly IS a story there… forget being a bridezilla – I have a covert bridesmaid-zilla… and I personally do NOT think she is very covert about her ‘diva-ness’!

But all the above is sort of the least of my worries as I battle to understnad why I have been feeling rather ‘funny’ and ‘weird’ lately – I have no idea how to actually define or describe how I’m feeling but its a little “off” to how I am normally feeling – Mr A has noticed and keeps asking me “what’s wrong?” and “have I done something to upset you?” and more often “what can I do to make my princess smile?” Bless him greatly for trying – i appreciate it beyond comprehension! I’ll be ok for a little while and then I am back to this ‘funk’!

Then there’s me thinking about having to get mum’s tickets organised; oh yes did I forget to mention? Mum apparently wants to head off to Indonesia and possibly UAE for Eid this year and is hoping to head off on the 3rd of September. She very diplomatically (not) asked about how once she’d found the best price and got the dates sorted how “we” were going to pay for it – which was clearly mum’s way of saying “how and are YOU going to pay for this?”. I told her how her last years trip cost me a bit as she had wanted an open ticket that would be valid for a year and did not want to travel something like Virgin/Air Asia/Tiger (read: budget airline) that this meant the tickets were a little bit of a pretty penny (which really makes me wonder why when she paid for her own tickets JetStar was more than sufficient but since I had to pay somehow JetStar was now far too inferior!). Anyway, i said that based on last years costs i was happy to pay half that amount… Well, she’s done her research and organised her ticket to be a one year open ticket (like last time) where she still has to put in some rnadom return date (she has selected 03/03/2011) and she leaves on the afternoon of September third – oh and apparently the travel agent has emailed me the details and I am paying for her ticket – ALL of it.

Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t really a blog post about me lamenting that I am having to pay for the ticket. I worked out a long time ago that I am definately great at driving her places, paying bills, fixing ‘stuff’ and organising appointments. What upsets me is that i am having to “suck up” that this beyond a one way street – that i am not a complete moron to have not noticed that she is conviently away just prior my wedding party and a whole shitload of time after. I am come to realise that i have no idea about anything when it comes to my mother –  that even as i am typing this i am ranting! In some ways I more than expect it (this ‘situation’) and am happy to claim it as my duty as a Muslim daughter – i mean some people would claim that as a Muslim child my job is to “shut up and put up” and to remember that as she is the mother her word is gold – her requests should be met with nothing more than ‘yes mother’ – but i ask these people: where and when is the line drawn? I am NOT talking about retribution or being vengeful or rude, but rather at what point do i continue to take the ALL of THIS???????  Would a simple ‘thank you’ would go astray. Plus, whilst I am pre-programmed that this is how it has to be I don’t understand how my mum must think that it is more than ok to say what she wants, expect the earth and still its never enough  

Before you quip that that perhaps i should remind her that this means (her departure + return dates) she will not be here for my wedding party – believe me I know and i did remind her! I spoke to her about it the other morning; the conversation entailed her asking me if I had already paid for her ticket (*sigh*) – I told her that I was paying for it on Thursday (today). And her asking if I would come to Indonesia with her? I told that I was very sorry but that I wouldn’t be able to come with her – she then went on about how the family would LOVE to see me as they did not see me on the last trip she went on. I went on to telling her that I was not able to come as surely she must remember that i mentioned my wedding party was on the 30th of October – her answer was so eloquently put mashallah:

“I don’t care about your wedding – I want you to come with me…”

I must say that although I knew that she probably would not be at the party and that I more than realise her stance and her denial on the subject matter that is Mr A and I, that hearing this statement has hurt more than all the denial and other stuff she’s said in passing. I can’t quite put my finger on why though – perhaps its because that while she was putting her head in the sand i could rationalise to myself that she doesn’t really comrehend what i am doing – that she is just lost by this whole situation. But the fact that she is able to very clearly articulate that she DOESN’T care is such a slap in the face that as a daughter my role is to care and provide but that i should not expect the same in return. Perhaps this really hurts because its just one more hurtful thing that she’s said that i have to sit there and take. 

After that little comment she proceeded to make other little jibes comments that again, i sit there and listen to whick led me to sit there and pray for more patience – it is beyond words to just sit there and hear that sort of statement and never be able to say anything back – because as a daughter my role is to be patient; to listen; to not utter a bad word that would upset her (God only knows I upset her enough), to remember that she raised me and that in her way she is trying to do what’s best for me, that I am to respectfully sit there… and take the verbal slings and arrows with silent prayers and deep breaths I silently sat there listening to her say:

“No one loves you like me – I am your mother and I am the only person in this world who really loves you. everyone else is just lying – its ALL camouflage; one day you see – there is only me; everyone else is just pretending… ”

I tried to stop listening at that point – I am sure you catch my drift. We said our goodbyes and I got off the phone not long after that. I sat there next to Mr A (he was driving us to work) thanking Allah that I somehow ended up a rather well adjusted human being and that it truly is by the grace of God that, when I think about all the f#$ked up crap I had to endure with my dad and then with they way my mum behaves and says in the last ten-ish years that I did not end up a mentally screwed individual!

A few minutes after I get off the phone Mr A then turns to me and asks; “everything ok?”

My answer?  “Fine sweetie – i love you…”

He knows me so well and touches my knee, smiling he tells me he loves me too – SOOOOO much (he says).

 I mean really – what is there to say?

Help – any ideas???

Could ANYONE recommend a hotel a Bali to stay in? We are hoping to head over there in late April and (apparently) i am the one who is to look for a decent hotel for us to stay at!

At this stage i am thinking that we will want to stay in either Kuta or Legian – maybe Seminyak… somewhere central with a lovely pool and within walking distance to the beach, shopping, shopping and did i mention shopping?

i am trying to NOT spend an arm + leg on this trip – i am TRYING to show Mr A that we can do an overseas holiday withouth spending a small fortune – BUT in saying that i would like to have a lovely room; spacious and somewhat impressive! i like my bedrooms to be BLISTERINGLY cold on the inside because i know it will be maddeningly hot and humid on the outside!

Any thoughts? Reviews? Do let me know – i am presently feeling dispondent as nothing is really grabbing me at the moment!

Thanks!

P.S: i had attempted to leave the accomdation up to Mr A BUT i have discovered that if i do this he seems to think that it is perfectly reasonable for us to spend a HEAP on accomadations… where i would far prefer to be spending said money elsewhere (*ahem* shopping anyone???)

Aren’t i chipper today?

Sorry to keep focusing on my mum of late but the last 24 hours have been more of the same (comparitive to my most recent blog post!).

Yesterday morning when i got out of the shower i see i had a missed call from her – i try to call her back; no answer

I then try again when i am off to meet a friend of mine for cofee (and cake – lets be honest here… cake was involved!) – still no answer. Then when i am waiting to go to the ladies i get a missed call from her… well i am NOT going to answer that – so i call her after i wash my hands and am well and truly outta there – my call gets rejected!

i tried again 3-ish minutes later – rejected! And again – rejected! well – that had me stumped and slightly annoyed frustrated. Still, not one to be discouraged i decide to send her a text (she can’t read sms’s but i know that she will find someone who will help her to  access and read it) telling her that i am trying to call her but will try again inshallah that night.

I try early on that evening to no avail – then ALL thru the night when i am MORE than tired – i am almost comatose; i get 6 missed calls from her. Now, in most cases i am a rather chipper person; i am a morning person, i am upbeat even in the face of impending doom… BUT there is a flaw… i DO NOT LIKE TO BE AWOKEN FROM SLUMBER! Thankfully i am a rather heavy sleeper BUT if you happen to wake me from my wonderful slumber and it is NOT to tell me that my house is on fire OR that we have somehe won the lotto (which i will be VERY surprised considering i don’t play it!) i will NOT be chipper! Anyway; i decided to not answer the calls – a wise move based on what fragile and impotent relationship i currently have with my mum.

And so at 8am i call her whilst Mr A takes me to work and wonder what all the fuss was about –

Aparently nothing – i will admit that i started to zone out when she was talking about some Fatimah woman (who i made sure i didn’t know) as well as the other women she talked about (again, ladies i do not know). I paid a little more attention when she started crying but soon realised that she was just being (overly) emotional – gosh i sound like a man now don’t i? But seriously – how on earth can one woman cry SO much over nothing? And then she tells me that she has the flu… apparently each time i speak to her she has some form of the flu or a cold… i am almost at the point of saying: “mum; a flu that has continued since Augest is NOT normal – go see a doctor!” But i can’t mention it – i tried once and she said that she was always sick because of me – because i don’t care and will not make her happy!

And there you have it folks – i have ranted yet again… ugh – i promise that the next post will be more uplifting… inshallah!

The joy of a day off!

Well I do hope that all my Muslim readers/visitors had a lovely Eid and although it’s a few days late Eid Mubarak to you all! For all the non-Muslims I hope that you had a lovely weekend and that you have a Muslim friend close by that invited you to the huge feast that they would have had at their place! And if you do have said Muslim friend and they did not invite you to their home to feast or offer you something delicious I would be asking for an explanation! In saying that – Susi & Denise; once Mr A and I sort out our housing arrangements you will be invited to the house for the barrage of food that you will be made to consume!

 

So as the first line suggests it my day off and I am begrudgingly not able to post from work due to said blocking of blogs and “socialising” sites – which has annoyed quite a few people as it has meant that they have not been able to quickly pop onto facebook and see what’s been happening!  

Speaking of facebook there has been some frustration with MY deactivated facebook profile that has oddly decided to reactivate itself… for no rhyme or reason at all – I have neither logged into said website nor have I endeavoured to search for anyone else’s profile. Imagine my frustration when I am told by one of the guys I work with that my fb profile seems to be active again!!! SO annoying! And so now a dilemma exists – that whilst I do want to rid myself of fb there is some part of me that wishes to continue with my facebook profile but make it untraceable for certain people who I wish to remain away from – any suggestions? please let me know as I am more than open to hearing them! Meanwhile – for all my peeps that have previously had me/do currently have me on their fb friends list could I ask you do me a huge favour and holler at me when you see that I seem to be coming and going from your friends list? This way I know what the frig is going on… thanks people!

The mum news…

All is well on the mum front – she is overseas and I am here… bliss!

I speak to her at regular intervals (every few days) and she is still heady in her denial where apparently I am destined to come back ‘home’ and that I should know that my role is ‘to be with her; just together always’.  

My uncle is perhaps beginning to realise the often frustration of having to ‘get through’ to her without success and requested my help to get some details from her (that she does not want to give him because she does not trust him). aaaahh – and here my uncle begins to realise what I had had to live with on a constant day to day basis. And for this my other cousins (who don’t know about said antics and only know my mum as the great gift-giver) wonder why I am workaholic and did not go away on holiday with my mum also!

Anyway; thus interesting tid-bits of mum’s trip have included (but are definitely not limited to):

The Omar situation (read post titled “You CANNOT be serious?”)

Mum sending me a beautiful Eid Mubarak card that I received 2 days prior to eid (making me think that I should call her to thank her) – the card was lovely; I started reading the card where she wishes me all the best and that she always loves me (at this point I am beginning to feel like I am terrible daughter and that Allah will definitely punish me!) followed by lines that include: ‘I not understand why some bad people must make you far from me’ and ‘I pray that Allah punish them and hurt them because of the heavy heart they give me now you far from me’ as well as ‘give me good surprise when I come home and you also come home’. Sadly those far outweighed the ‘I love you’s’ and the ‘I want you to be happy and have a beautiful Eid’ that I had no real warm fuzzy feelings to call and thus waited to morning of eid to call her…

My uncle calling me to get my aunts new mobile number because my mum would not give it to him – I didn’t ask why; I just gave it to him… its his cousin for goodness sake and I knew she would not mind!

I need to tell my mum something…

I leave for Melbourne this Thursday… I haven’t told my mum yet.

I leave for Melbourne and I am going with Susi… AND Mr A… and a group of his friends – it was actually the boys that were initially going to Melbourne for football and then Mr A asked me if i wanted to come – obviously i thought this was marvelous idea; made all the better when Mr A paid for my tickets (woo-hoo); I asked Susi if she wanted to go also and she thought that this was great idea… So, as i mentioned… i have yet to tell my mum…

I am not looking forward to telling her as she will get all ‘emotional’ (read: melodramatic) about said impending trip as it will affect our excursions on Saturday day and the trip to the mosque on the Sunday afternoon…

I am only away for 3 nights (from Thursday night to Sunday night) but I know that my mum will treat it as though I am away for 3 months; sheesh!

Speaking of travel plans; I am in the midst of organising my mum’s trip…

Granted me sending her to see family may decrease my savings and serious impede my spending allowance it will seriously give me a level of peace that I am most looking forward to…

PS: I’ll let you know about how it goes telling my mum – being the little wuss that I am, I intend to tell my mum on Wednesday night when I am over there for dinner.

Can I speak to the president?

So… here we are; Thursday morning and I must admit all seems normal. I am sitting at my desk, its raining outside and Obama is the US President elect! Seriously, I am so, so happy that he won! Funny when you think that I’m not even America, nor do I travel there but here I am excited at the possibilities… excited for the future that is the USA; excited for the possibilities in relation to the current ‘relationships’ that America has with other nations. This is a great time…

 

Congratulations Obama!

 

I loved his acceptance speech… “…yes, we can”, the story of the 106 year old lady and all she had seen; it made me think of some of the elderly people in my family and how long they lived and all they had seen.. Amazing when you sit down and think about it… 106 years old… all the inventions, all the changes in the universe.. the concept of travel from ship to plane… not just the change to colour TV from black & white but the notion of television all together!

 

Back to president Obama for a moment – hehe, how good does that sound? J

 

While I was in Indonesia I was chatting to my aunt about the debate that we were watching between Obama and McCain… my cousin walked in and joined into the conversation for a moment and commented about how Obama looked when he was a lot younger which left me confused, so I asked her what on earth she was going on about?

 

Apparently, she had gone to primary school with him!!!! I know someone and am actually related to someone who went to school with the president of the US!!!! I was in shock!

 

Proof that there are less than 6 degrees of separation! I tried desperately to convince my aunt at that time that in the even that he won she should call him and congratulate him – you know, an old school friend calling to say! She was like “he probably doesn’t even remember me, it was primary school… and anyway there’d be so many assistants to get through!”

 

I don’t know why she doesn’t get it? I tried to explain to her that I was essentially 1 person away from meeting/speaking to the president of a country but apparently she bloody won’t be moved!

Mr A & Bali…

As you peeps may be aware I am heading off on holiday in October with my mum. In order to provide myself with some solace I am thus planning another trip about 6 to 8 months after that to somewhere ‘beachy’ and relaxing where the Aussie dollar is fantastic… Cue: Bali.

 

Just some quick info: I spent a good 5 years in Bali when I was little living in Kuta where my parents owned a hotel there. Even after i was at school we (mum and I) would travel over there about 2 to 3 times a year and so all in all I think I’ve got a pretty firm understanding of Bali, where what is and the people. Lets not forget that I speak fluent Indonesian and that overall even after my mum sold the hotel we still went over to Jakarta (the capital of Indonesia) every year and Bali every other year. In the last 4 years Bali has sorta come off the radar as mum didn’t want to go and I didn’t travel alone… so gone was Bali from my itinerary L

 

So I am planning this trip and have asked if Mr A wanted to come with me and soak up some sun and chill! Comments/statements I am hearing are not merely disinterest but disdain! They have included all (plus some I cannot recall at this moment);

 

“Why would I want to go to a country that hates Australians?”

“I don’t want to go to somewhere where the government is corrupt”

“They just throw any white person they don’t like in prison”

“The cops there plant drugs on people; I don’t want to rot in an Indonesian jail”

“It’s a hole…”

“The whole country is poor and corrupt”

“I hate the place”

“Its shit”

“Why would I want to go to someplace where I’ll get bombed?”

(And today) “Balinese police have just arrested an Australian man who they suspect to be carrying drugs… “

“They just pick on Australians”

 

 

Overall you’re catching my drift… with each and every statement, sentence, comment and ‘argument’ (let me tell you that with each lamentation I am getting annoyed) I am becoming more dumfounded by his idiocy… YES… IDIOCY!!!!

 

I responded with comments that have included: “I’m sorry? Did that Aussie guy actually have drugs on him?” (Him: eeerr… we don’t know – he might not?) I then said that this comment was totally F%$ken redundant as he might actually be carrying drugs and that he cannot use this as his basis for argument because it was flimsy at best! He went on with repeating some other comments (“why would I want to go to a country that hates Australians?” And “They just pick on Australians”) which totally made me lose it:

 

“I’m sorry – listen… I’m gonna need to say something here. YOU have no idea what’s its like – to say you ‘hate’ somewhere you’ve never been maddening – I’ve never tried bacon and I don’t claim to hate it. I simply say that I chose not to eat it. to say the government is corrupt – I’ll give you that; bribery may be rife but I’ll put money that just about every developing country has a level of corruption to it. They don’t have a welfare system and they don’t much have a middle class. The rich are richer than you can fathom and the poor are just that. I am angry and disappointed that you think you don’t want to go to a country on grounds that you feel they penalise YOU because you’re Australian. I know how that feels – I’m Australian but am penalised for being Muslim… My cousins who have lived nearly their whole lives abroad have to be regularly stopped in US airports and searched for over an hour on grounds of their fucking ethnicity, name and the fact they hold a UAE passport. Muslims and Arabs are considered suspicious full-stop… if that’s your claim then you’ve got no idea!”

 

He went on then about the legal system and how its “fucked” and then made the comment about the Indonesian legal/corrupt system. My response;

 

“Whatever – don’t worry about it… I think I’d know how the law works there – as a person who has at last count 4 cousins practicing criminal law in Jakarta I think I know what I’m talking about. As a person who speaks the language, goes there often and is more than familiar with the culture, not to mention has an uncle who is a judge at their supreme courts in relation to criminal and illegal actions and actually presided over the Suharto case years ago I think I know exactly what I’m talking about. Do you seriously think that if you, an Australian in a foreign country is caught in illegal activity and needed legal representation that Indonesian law should allow an Australian lawyer to represent you? Is that it?”

 

Do you know what that idiot responded with??? “yes”

 

YES??? Is he insane????? Does he have any brain cells in that head of his???

 

But (trying to be patient here and show him the HUGE holes in his argument), I tried to rationalise what he was saying: “So Mr A, let me get this straight – you’re saying that if an Italian or Greek man was prosecuted for some illegal activity that we; the Australian government should allow him to get legal representation from Italy/Greece? Really… is that what you’re saying?”

 

He said; “yeah… why not?”

 

Me… being really passive-aggressive at this point; “because it doesn’t make sense sweetie (*sarcasm*), that little Italian/Greek lawyer is totally and utterly unfamiliar with Australian law, legislation and policies – to let seek legal council of this type would actually be unfair to him… you’re not realising that one countries law and penalties and set of regulations is not the same as another…”

 

Do you know what his answer was??? What he said???

“Well… its all dumb – they’re all corrupt… and if you’re uncle is a criminal judge over there maybe he’s a bit that way also……”

 

Oh no you didn’t….

 

“Don’t worry about it Mr A, I am disappointed and more angry that you can fathom that you’d say that about my uncle – the person who was the father figure in my life and taught me the value of education and encouraged free, rational thought. Forget you – don’t come to Bali… I gotta go… bye”

 

So… I’m off to Bali on my own… any takers to come with me next year say about April-ish?

 

FYI: I just got a missed call from him and a message a few seconds late: “hey, jst tried to call to see if I’m still in trouble with you? I’m thinking about you”

 

I am choosing to not respond.

 

Ooohhh – I am very annoyed right now…

Previous Older Entries