Internal thoughts of this mother…

Sometimes a lot of the time I sit in silence and feel that my daughter doesn’t love me.

Doesn’t really like me much.

You have no idea how tough it is for me to have written that. How I know my husband would say that I am being totally ridiculous and that of course she does love me because I am her mother.

But I don’t think that that matters. That we are not simply loved because we are the parents. I wish it were that easy.

Actions speak louder than words.

I pick her up from either my mum’s place or my in-laws place and she’s not even bothered that I’ve walked through the door. I would be jumping out of my skin to see her and she could really care less. Then someone else will walk through the door and she will be beside herself with excitement.

And a small part of me dies inside.

I joke around about it and pretend I am not phased; I laugh along with them when they say “oh; she doesn’t want to go home – she wants to stay with me!” but inside I’m crushed. I look at her and am literally IMPLORING her with my eyes to show some any affection to me. But I get back nothing except her wriggling to get out of my arms.
And a small of me dies inside.

When we get home she’s fine; we play together and I make her laugh and feed her and bath her and then put her to bed. She’ll cry if I leave her bedroom too early t=so I wait for her to doze off then quietly walk out.
And I am fooled into thinking that she might actually love me.

Then it starts all over again and I feel worthless. Like I’m a terrible mother.

I try to tell myself its ok; that I don’t need her approval and that a mother’s love is selfless and that my job is to be her mother. That my role in this house is as ‘bad cop’ and I can handle that because whist she’ll not like me now, one day she’ll see my worth. It might be for another two decades or so but eventually she’ll see that everything I did; that I do now is for her.
I just have to wait.

And in the meantime (another) small part of me dies.

The last 24 hours…

9 missed calls.

ONE issue

That I have, had and continue to discuss numerous times.

On every call – as soon as I pick up DIRECTLY after I reply “alaikum salam”

At no point am I asked if I can talk right now or if I’m busy

At NO point am I asked how I AM – not EVEN as a rhetorical question!

Two missed calls in the morning by 7am – I called back and provided advice… she disagreed with the advice & I say; “ok, buts that my opinion… I can’t talk today as I’m work…” She said that she was calling to ask what she should do: I told her that yesterday when I spoke to her I told recommended what she should do and then discussed why I thought that was the best option but that she still decided to do it her way so that really as she was going to do it her way she should just go ahead and do so as I don’t know anything.

FOUR missed calls after that conversation (within a 2 hour period) yielded but one VM *amazing – just one? The most notable quote in the message that I am certain is meant to make me call her ASAP but instead had the exact opposite effect which frustrated me to no end as I am beyond dealing with this same “STUFF” all the time: “you trying to kill me – this is why you not answer your phone?”

I mean really – really? At what point does a person ask themselves “the current approach I am trying is not working; perhaps I should try another?” or “my daughter actually never asks me for anything anymore except to look after her baby but once a week – WHY does my adult daughter not rely on me?” or even “hmm – maybe it’s not everyone else around me… maybe it’s me?” 

FYI: I have tried on many occasions to approach my mum’s idiosyncrasies in more than a few different manners: I have tried the “I will do it all for you before you even ask & you will find things are just mysteriously done for you” approach… I found this was NOT a good option as whilst I don’t expect to be given words of praise I would like to have some mild acknowledgement for my contribution no to mention ist is a LOT harder doing everything when trying to juggle that, a child and all other wifely+house duties + work!. Using this methodology only made her think of more things for me to do and buy for her without her realising that I was already doing so much. I’ve tried the “I will show you once so that you can do it for yourself”, this resulted in what I have coined to be the “I will show you again for the 20th time in a row so that I can fool myself into thinking that you may eventually want to do it for yourself”. I have tried the “I am not doing anything for you and you will somehow find a way” which led to a BARRAGE of calls and messages and crying but that she somehow was able to get stuff done (proving all along what I knew: that she does know what she’s doing but prefers me to do it for her!) but also led to me feeling that I was/am a terrible child and should at least endeavour to help her where I can!

The methodology I now live by is one I can emotionally handle (that is, doing it this way does not make me feel entirely like I am the worst offspring in the world) wherein I provide advice, I listen and help up to 3 times relating to the same issue and with each subsequent time I remind that I have shown/done/advised her on this matter yesterday/earlier today/today, yesterday and the day before and then (just as clearly) advise that “this is the last time I am talking/helping you with this..” if it is mentioned again I either dismiss it or ignore it or end the call with “I love you, assalamu alaikum…” I have dubbed this my “baseball: 3 strikes” method

Honestly- if I could somehow manage to move to some far flung country I would!

If any of you say I should be ‘more patient’ let me tell you now: BITE ME! Until you have walked a mile in my shoes you have NO idea how constant this is and just how impatient she is/can be… you have no idea how the family members who used to tell me to ‘be more patient’ and ‘make dua for it to be easier’ have now finally seen a glimpse of just how she can be because now when she visits them it is without me to ‘buffer’ the way she is…

NOTE: Since typing this I have received an additional 3 missed calls and another message!

Oh and you can bet I am making dua for this whole ‘situation’ to be easier…

ON ANOTHER NOTE: Happy new year people! Welcome to 2014!

You have 17 voicemail messages…

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Picture it if you will… it is the 26th of December; you are on your way to meet your bestie for your annual Boxing Day sales and you decide to check your voicemail (VM) messages as you’ve realised you hadn’t checked since the 19th (of December).

You check your VM:

1>     Your mum asking you to call her back

2>     Your mum

3>     Your mum again…

Of my 17 voicemail all but ONE of them was from my mother.

Each VM from her went for more than 90seconds and went through a myriad of emotions.

When I get a missed call from my mum I DO call her back usually within the hour… in 99.99999% of the time there has not been emergency which would require her to leave the message: “call me back – its very important”

When I DID call her back from one such message (“call me back AS SOON AS POSSIBLE – its very important”) I discovered it was relating to a letter she got about free Foxtel (“what is this foxtel? Why they send me this?” was also asked) and the cut-off date was that day and should she get it for the house? So as you can imagine the term “important” is loosely termed.

*in fact since writing this I decided to check my VM again.

So Since 27 December to date (today being the 30th) I have 6 messages.

5 from my mum ALL stating the same thing ( a letter I told her I would write for her, and give to her on TUESDAY the 31st of December… I told her in more than one language, on more than 5 calls during the weekend that I would write this letter for her on Monday and give it to her on Tuesday.) I TOLD her that I would DO IT and give it to her BY TUESDAY – at the END of each call I asked her if she understood and she said she did.

Since then AND through that week each call related to this letter.

EACH call! And for me to call her “as soon as possible” because “is very important”

The working mother = The guilty parent…

This parenting and working caper, I feel is such an insidious game on the emotions. It creates a barrage of guilt and emotions and I feel it either too difficult or far too irrational to explain to hubby.

How do I explain that it pains me so that it has been SO long since missy has called me mama. That her first word was mama and was music to my ears; all through our holiday it was two weeks of “mama, mamamamama… mama!” and now nothing unless she’s hurt herself. Sh’s saying SO many other new words… but no mama. 

On the days I am not working we have such fun together, we laugh, we play, we eat together – we get stuff done. She is my entire world – I adore her beyond words, but it breaks me inside when she wants to go to others in the family and doesn’t seemed particularly fazed when I go to pick her up…

 

I am sure (sort of) that is a just a phase (hopefully) – any thoughts people? 

WHERE did my fitness go?

After a long hiatus called child bearing+birthing+rearing I have bitten the bullet and re-joined the gym. It has been something that I have been SERIOUSLLY ‘umm-ing’ and mulling over for the last 6 months! Yep – I know that sounds like a LONG time to make a decision but really I could not justify the payments. I mean, I AM earning less these days (as I am not at work fulltime at the moment) and after we pay for all the necessities + baby needs and a few little bits and pieces for myself (nowhere near as many “bits & pieces” I used to get myself) I just DON’T have the heart to ask hubby to pay for gym membership too. So alas my fitness came a close second to new clothes and I elected to not join… until now.

After MUCH thought I decided that I really, really AM not liking my body the way it is since I had lil missy. Don’t get me wrong – I know that I am really fortunate and am grateful that whilst my body has changed, I haven’t put on that much weight but I literally HATE my midsection – I DISPISE how ‘thick’ I feel I am in the tummy region. I know that I am my own worst critic – hubby is often telling me to not be so hard on myself; that I look great (bless him) and that I need to realise that I am going to look different as I have had a baby but I can’t help it. I think its worse because I was little pre-pregnancy so that now when I see how things have changed I seriously beat myself up about it.

But anyway – here we are; baby almost a year old and I have finally joined a gym near my place. Don’t get me wrong; I really liked Fernwood (my old gym) fitness, but I needed to go to a gym that was:
A) Closer to home
B) Cheaper
C) Cheaper
So I joined Bailey’s Fitness; So far they seem ok – I needed something that had classes as whilst I don’t mind jumping on a treadmill/bike/other equipment, I really do enjoy going to classes….

Usually…

I went to my first ‘not-really-my-first’ Zumba class on Saturday morning. I left hubby with a sleeping baby and instructions for when she wakes up.
Oh
MY
GOODNESS!

WHERE, WHERE did my fitness go? WHERE?

I’d been doing quite a few (read: A LOT!) pelvic floor exercises post baby and had been pretty happy with the results until I realised by the end of the warm up ‘jumpathon’ that I was about ready to wet myself! Thankfully all went ok in that area by the end of the class, however after the hour I was beginning to think an angina was imminent. Let’s not even get me started on how unco-ordinated I was through the whole class! It’s as though lil missy took all my rhythm – VERY sad! Especially when I think about how much rhythm and co-ordination I usually have! i used to be able to dance the night away; do a Zumba class AND then head over and do 45 minutes worth of cardio. Really, if i wasn’t at the back of the class wheezing in agony i would have cried! I am hoping that this ‘issue’ is short term and that once I get through a couple classes I’ll get my groove back and not look so tragic!

One can only hope…

In the meantime I woke up Sunday with sore hamstrings and very tender arms! AND I have a personal training session tomorrow (Wednesday) morning – EEEKK! If I thought I was nervous for Zumba I am even more nervous for this PT session as there will seriously be no place to hide!

Wish me luck people….

Quick Update: 5 days of ‘No Poo’

It is now day 5 post wash using the no poo method and I must say I am happy with results!

My hair isn’t greasy at ALL! I am wondering though if my lack of transition period is either a fluke – so that when I do wash imminently I will be inundated by a MASSIVE transition period and be in grease-city OR if in fact, my lack of transition period is because I had already stopped using sulphate shampoo and conditioner before stopping shampoo altogether? Either way I CANNOT believe that my hair is not, only NOT greasy BUT it is still soft and manageable as though I had only washed it yesterday!

I have also noticed that I am not needing to use as much air product AND that my hair is VERY soft after I’ve popped in the hair product and doesn’t have any ‘crunchy’ feel. I’m also finding that it is still holding my curl really well + giving me even more body/volume than I usually would have (without a volumising spray at the roots) which i am liking a lot. There was quite a bit of ‘breeze’ over the weekend and I loved the movement/having the wind in my hair and then seeing that my curls still looked really nice (usually they’d be looking all over the place)! I am also noticing that (as I’m using a lesser amount of product in my hair) my hair itself seems lighter in colour.

Day 5 and still happy with the results…

The ‘No Poo’ Wash…

So it’s been the 2nd “no poo wash” (NPW)  for me – I feel that when I did it the first time that it didn’t really count as I did still use conditioner between ‘steps’ as I needed some help to detangle my curly mess. This time around I stuck to the theory but added a little more apple cider vinegar to my ‘conditioning’. This means that it is 1 tablespoon bi carb soda to 1 cup (tap) water (which popped into a bottle) AND in another spray bottle 3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar (ACV) to 1 cup water.

This time around I ‘poured’ the bi crab concoction around my hairline and then through parts of my hair (keeping as close to the scalp as possible). I rubbed it in a fair bit and found that I managed to get that ‘slippery’ feeling and was able to run it down the rest of my hair. I left it in for a couple of minutes (so I could apply body wash + shave legs) and then found that this helped me to be able to comb my hair (with my trusty afro comb – every curly haired gal’s best friend I think!). After washing that out I liberally sprayed the ACV creation at the roots of my hair and a few bursts through the mid-lengths and ends. Again, I left that in (I usually cleanse my skin at this point so that lets my hair ‘condition’) for a couple minutes and then washed it out. Just before getting out of the shower, I turn off the hot water and turn up the cold and pop my hair under the (shower) head – I’ve been doing this for yyyeeearrrs and find that the quick burst of cold water adds extra shine to hair and (as I air dry) makes it less ‘boofy’ once it dries!

Once I towel dried my hair I applied my usual styling product but slightly less than usual  – only because I am getting to the bottom of the bottle and haven’t got my back up bottle yet). This morning (yes, I wash my hair at night a few hours before going to bed – after I’ve put missy moo to bed!) I was surprised to see how lovely my hair looked! I was totally expecting it to be all limp/oily/not quite right. Instead I find my curl is MORE defined!!

So far so good people!

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