“Have a baby… it’ll be fun!” they said

I noticed that no one bothers to tell you that EXHAUSTED doesn’t even begin to describe how tired you will be… and now with lil missy being sick – I am BEYOND tired that I actually can’t sleep! How crazy is that?

I was at work on Monday (the day my mum has missy) and had literally only been there a couple hours when my mum calls saying that Amira had vomited nd seemed ok now but that she’d keep me posted; 20 minutes later I got another call with mum telling me to come home as she’d been vomiting again and was not herself at all! Thank goodness for where I work – I was outta there in 15minutes and on the road to my baby…

She looked so sad; so clammy and forlorn – I scooped her up and took her straight to the doctors (thank goodness I always have more than a few of my own doctors so I had more than one medical centre to chose from!). We sat in the waiting room and she just sat there on my lap, snuggling in close to me, sucking her dummy and resting her head against my chest. That is SO not like her during the day – usually she’s all ‘go, go, GO’ so the fact that she was resting and all affectionate the WHOLE time made me know that she was NOT well!

She’s at about 65% now I think; she had a virus and apparently that’s explained why the weekend just gone was a little “trying” with me being up more than a couple times during the night. Today there were moments where she was at her smiling, cheery self but she’d get so tired so quickly  but wouldn’t stay asleep for very long because she was coughing… poor little thing. It literally breaks my heart seeing her not herself…

It’s almost crazy when I think about it; that I can be up and down SO many times during the night, have to CONSTANTLY be tidying up after her (she is like a tornado these days!), feel so exhausted and yet I wouldn’t change it for the world! I am certain that seeing your baby sleeping, or seeing them reach out to you with those hands and the look on her face hits a reset button within your heart. It’s in those moments that I look at her and feel recharged… its crazy…

It makes me think… maybe we should have another one!

 

Crazy huh?

 

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Ying, Yang & Medication

I had an early night last night after popping some Demezin night-time capsules and some vitamins (Mr A is all about natural medication) and I had the deepest sleep. It’s really one more piece of evidence to demonstrate that we are each other’s ying and yang; I am the person who believes that if you’re sick you take medication – have the flu? Go take some flu meds and get an early night! Have a headache? Go pop 2 Neurofen or Advil and let’s see how you feel in half an hour! If you’re unwell I believe that you still have to eat – regardless of how much you don’t have an appetite for food… On the flipside Mr A will think that Echinacea will help rid you of your flu and drinking lots of fluid and a rest will cure your headache! Thankfully he understands that meds are not evil and is more than happy for me to marry pharmaceutical meds with vitamins! He hates to eat when he’s sick but is (more than) fine to take meds once an hour or so has lapsed and the natural alternatives have not done anything to alleviate his ailments!

So last night before my early night I had 5 vitamins, some herbal ‘stuff’ + night-time old & flu tablets and lots of water!

I called my mum and said goodnight – she didn’t recognise my voice because I sounded so different!

I was in bed about 8ish (pm obviously)….

I slept like a log! It was SUCH a deep sleep!

I awoke with my body feeling a good 30 to 40 years older… intense aches and pains… and sluggish…

BUT

No locked nose!

No watery eyes!

No sore, heavy head!

A hot shower later and the 2 daytime cold & flu tablets + the vitamins and I was all good to go…

To work!

Oh well!

*sigh*

I am confused. About so many things.

Being sick, not feeling yourself, not being your perky self makes you introspective, thoughtful… melancholic.

I feel lost; no… that’s not really the right word. I feel confused as to how I got here… here – where I am at this precise point of my life where one component can feel so perfectly right and fit so clearly and yet another part can be a shambles. Where the shambles has admittedly been this way for years it is now at a point where…. I cannot even explain it.

I don’t have the words to write it all… I don’t know where to begin… to be elated that I can “breathe” and yet disenchanted and thwarted that I had to get to this point at all.

Baffled…

I hate not feeling well…

Even my colds are strange!

I am feeling a touch flu-ey today… very strange considering the fact that I was completely fine last night and this morning… but then again its typical me! in more ways than one I am a bloody freak of nature… my version of a cold is to progressively get sick at an insanely alarming state! Generally by mid morning I will commence with a snivelly nose, promptly followed by feeling a touch beyond ‘toasty’ warm and watery eyes that make my contact lenses feel as though they’re swimming in my eyeballs! I will then get a blocked nose and the sneezing will start. By the time I leave work I am well and truly looking as though I am on deaths door! Then I’ll get home and my body will be aching, I won’t be able to breathe out of my nose and it will look abundantly clear that I will not be at work the next day… because I hate being the patient I will force myself to drink water and eat a meal (even though my taste buds left for a holiday hours ago)!

I will pop some night-time cold and flu meds (all hail antihistamine), have another glass of water and a hot, hot shower… and be in bed by 8pm with my companion… a super soft box of tissues (what did you think I meant???).

And then I will awake the next morning a little groggy with the feeling that something furry had died in my mouth because I had to breathe through it (my mouth) all night… but after my shower I would have felt as good as new!

It’s strange – its like it leaves me as quickly as it arrives… although now that I’ve written all that up and popped it into the blogsphere I am sure that it will be just my luck that if I do get sick this winter it will be atrocious!

PS: I currently at the snivelly part and have commenced some sneezing!

24 hour update

The last 24 hours has seen Mr A become all irritable & grumpy. He bit my head off twice last night whilst on the phone to him which caused me to want to get off the phone with him ASAP!

 

On the upside I suppose at least being irritable makes me want to throw something at him rather than cry for the pain and misery he’s in!

 

Thankfully this morning he was all apologetic for his behaviour and I have moved on to asking him what number the pain is now rather than “does it still hurt?” as I think that frustrates him because the constant answer is ‘yes’. So instead I am working on the “what number is the pain today?” This morning it is (so far) a ‘4’ on the pain scale (we go from ‘0’ being no pain to ‘10’ being the most pain) and I am wondering if he will take a cab/taxi to his chiropractic appointment this afternoon or if he will be able to drive… if he drives I’ll know that I can breathe as it means he is able to ‘focus’ on something other than his pain! Fingers crossed!

Still worried… but plodding along

I walked into Mr A’s hospital room wanting to cry as soon as I laid eyes on him…laying there in bed hooked up to an IV… But he was the pillar of strength and was so grateful and happy to see me. But I was a trooper tho and never revealed how scared, worried and fragile I was feeling. A few hours later the doctor told us that there was nothing abnormal in his ct scan, no tumour etc. Oh I could have stood up and kissed the doctor I was so jubilant… And after the all the analgesic they’d pumped into him + the IV he felt heaps better!

 

The doctor wanted him to get a lumber puncture needle so we could definitely get a diagnosis, but being a man he’s all wussie with the notion of this needle going between his vertebra to withdraw spinal fluid… well you can imagine! the doctor was really understated saying that most people find it ‘mildly uncomfortable’ his mum and I were trying to convince him that this didn’t sound too bad and that since he’s had some sporting injuries before that this surely wouldn’t be as painful! A nurse came in then and his mum decided to get a third person in our corner as Mr A was still totally opposed to the notion. Well – I could have attacked the nurse as she described the procedure as something that she wouldn’t really do as it involved inserting a needle into the base of your back and that although they give you a local anaesthetic they need to ‘wiggle’ around to get in between the vertebra to get the right spot. That if they get some blood into the sample then have to re-try to get the spinal fluid. You can imagine how at this point he’s looking at me saying with his eyes ‘see – and you want me to get this???’

 

I tried to make him realise that one day I would have to deal with far, far more pain and said (in front of the nurse I now disliked) that would be nowhere near as bad as an epidural – you know what that woman said? “Well, it’s actually the same needle that used for an epidural and in the same general location!”

Well – what on earth can I say to that? After she walks out and Mr A is more than adamant that he is NOT getting a lumber puncture I tell him that the nurse has no idea what she’s talking about as I betting money having a child is far, FAR more painful and that she DID say she’s only been a nurse for 2 months! I mean really – she’s hardly been out of uni – how on earth does she know (I know its belittling a graduate – I was once a newbie and hated how people assumed I had no idea because I didn’t have any experience but really, did this nurse have to be that honest?).

 

So I took him home… you have no idea how happy I was to see him actually able to get up – to walk to my car… oh it was like all my eid’s had come at once! He seemed so much better – just woozy. I was so sure he was on the mend!

 

And then later that night when he called sating that he still felt woozy but on the whole heaps better I started crying. I was so scared… I’m still so worried. I told him that at best my relationship with my mum is this broken, dysfunctional hole that is hollow and barren, that my family were overseas and that really all I had was him. That he needs to look after himself because I need him and love him and can’t not know what’s happening. That he needs to know that what affects him effects me as we’re in this together… that HE is my family… he was so saddened to hear me so upset and apologised for being so stubborn about the lumber puncture thing and assures me that he thinks he’s getting better.

 

It’s Monday and he’s still not feeling great & I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless and distant and worried… And so, so worried… he’s off to a chiropractor now and I hope we’ll figure it out soon. I want him to go to a physio (as I seem to think that a chrio is only going to make the situation worse through their manipulation of his body). So as you can imagine my weekend was spent with him Saturday night and him all Sunday day – and that all this ‘not being with the mother’ caused many a ‘debate’ with said person and that in all honesty I can’t even be bothered dealing with it at this point!

 

For all the comments I got on my “Worried” post: thank you, thank you all so much (seriously – THANK YOU). I know this is sounding totally mushy and soppy and I am sorry. But in all seriousness aside from this blog (knowing that I can let go here) I’ve been desperately trying to keep strong and be all “no, no – its fine… he’ll be all good soon insha-Allah”. I’ve only slipped once with Mr A and felt terrible for crying and being upset when he was in all that pain… so here I am, just saying constant prayers and hoping that he gets better soon and trying to not let the constant and persistent ‘everything else’ (i.e. my job, the mind-numbing antics of my mother that never seem to desist and seeming all ok in front of Mr A’s folks as they are more than worried enough!)

 

Just wanted to keep you all updated…

 

Thanks again…

worried…

People – I am worried about my Mr A. I spent yesterday looking after the poor man. He is still sick with a migraine! Wednesday night his parents took him to the emergency room and they did a blood test and it appears to be nothing wrong! He asked the doctors for Panadeine Forte and that that should do it – I got his mum to ask them for a Valium so he could sleep as he’d already missed out on nearly 2 days of sleep (he had slept very sporadically and kept waking up to puke) . So he went home and went to bed and apparently kept waking up to puke all through the evening.

 

The next day (yesterday) I took the day off as he asked me to look after him and he still felt like crap. So I spent the whole day playing nurse. At one point he was curled up in the shower on the floor in a ball with his head resting on the tiled walls. I was so upset – I told him that the shower was not somewhere he needed to be right now – that he was hot and needed to sweat it out. The guy would not come out!!! I scared him out saying that I was NOT afraid to get him out myself….

 

Then he spent the other part of the morning puking his empty guts out – refusing to eat anything! I felt totally helpless… he actually sat on the toilet floor and started crying at one point telling me that now I had seen him vomit and all sickly that i9 would change my mind about marrying him! Bless!

 

I forced him to eat something and had to tell that his options were either to eat something or face having to go to hospital again – he ate half a bowl of soup and called me the Nurse Nazi… albeit a cute one…

 

The rest of the day he managed to keep his food down and I was so happy! Lame I know – but then it got even better when he wanted to be moved onto the sofa and watch Nigella on TV with me… oh I thought that we were definitely on the mend by this time!

 

When I got home and spoke to him before he went to bed I was annoyed to hear that he did not eat any dinner but slightly less worried and he seemed so much better…

 

Then this morning I called him and he sounded worse… terrible…. But I had to go into work

 

At 10.15 I called him and got no answer… I called his mum – no answer – I called his dad – voicemail! I had a meeting to go to.

 

I have no idea what we talked about in the meeting – I called his dad who told me that Mr a had been taken back to hospital by his mum and that he was there now hooked up to an IV and that he was really dehydrated… that they still don’t know what’s wrong with him.

 

10 minutes ago his mum just called me to tell me that the doctors are going to do a CT scan to figure out what’s wrong…

 

I am worried and scared… and sadly know that I can’t tell my mum because sadly I know that she will not care. I hate to think about what she might say…

 

I am leaving work early to find out what’s wrong with him and be next to him…

 

I miss him…

 

Please say a prayer for him people. I love him and am so worried… and feel totally AWFUL that I didn’t MAKE him go to the hospital yesterday afternoon…

 

Please, PLEASE let him be ok?

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