I walked into Mr A’s hospital room wanting to cry as soon as I laid eyes on him…laying there in bed hooked up to an IV… But he was the pillar of strength and was so grateful and happy to see me. But I was a trooper tho and never revealed how scared, worried and fragile I was feeling. A few hours later the doctor told us that there was nothing abnormal in his ct scan, no tumour etc. Oh I could have stood up and kissed the doctor I was so jubilant… And after the all the analgesic they’d pumped into him + the IV he felt heaps better!
The doctor wanted him to get a lumber puncture needle so we could definitely get a diagnosis, but being a man he’s all wussie with the notion of this needle going between his vertebra to withdraw spinal fluid… well you can imagine! the doctor was really understated saying that most people find it ‘mildly uncomfortable’ his mum and I were trying to convince him that this didn’t sound too bad and that since he’s had some sporting injuries before that this surely wouldn’t be as painful! A nurse came in then and his mum decided to get a third person in our corner as Mr A was still totally opposed to the notion. Well – I could have attacked the nurse as she described the procedure as something that she wouldn’t really do as it involved inserting a needle into the base of your back and that although they give you a local anaesthetic they need to ‘wiggle’ around to get in between the vertebra to get the right spot. That if they get some blood into the sample then have to re-try to get the spinal fluid. You can imagine how at this point he’s looking at me saying with his eyes ‘see – and you want me to get this???’
I tried to make him realise that one day I would have to deal with far, far more pain and said (in front of the nurse I now disliked) that would be nowhere near as bad as an epidural – you know what that woman said? “Well, it’s actually the same needle that used for an epidural and in the same general location!”
Well – what on earth can I say to that? After she walks out and Mr A is more than adamant that he is NOT getting a lumber puncture I tell him that the nurse has no idea what she’s talking about as I betting money having a child is far, FAR more painful and that she DID say she’s only been a nurse for 2 months! I mean really – she’s hardly been out of uni – how on earth does she know (I know its belittling a graduate – I was once a newbie and hated how people assumed I had no idea because I didn’t have any experience but really, did this nurse have to be that honest?).
So I took him home… you have no idea how happy I was to see him actually able to get up – to walk to my car… oh it was like all my eid’s had come at once! He seemed so much better – just woozy. I was so sure he was on the mend!
And then later that night when he called sating that he still felt woozy but on the whole heaps better I started crying. I was so scared… I’m still so worried. I told him that at best my relationship with my mum is this broken, dysfunctional hole that is hollow and barren, that my family were overseas and that really all I had was him. That he needs to look after himself because I need him and love him and can’t not know what’s happening. That he needs to know that what affects him effects me as we’re in this together… that HE is my family… he was so saddened to hear me so upset and apologised for being so stubborn about the lumber puncture thing and assures me that he thinks he’s getting better.
It’s Monday and he’s still not feeling great & I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless and distant and worried… And so, so worried… he’s off to a chiropractor now and I hope we’ll figure it out soon. I want him to go to a physio (as I seem to think that a chrio is only going to make the situation worse through their manipulation of his body). So as you can imagine my weekend was spent with him Saturday night and him all Sunday day – and that all this ‘not being with the mother’ caused many a ‘debate’ with said person and that in all honesty I can’t even be bothered dealing with it at this point!
For all the comments I got on my “Worried” post: thank you, thank you all so much (seriously – THANK YOU). I know this is sounding totally mushy and soppy and I am sorry. But in all seriousness aside from this blog (knowing that I can let go here) I’ve been desperately trying to keep strong and be all “no, no – its fine… he’ll be all good soon insha-Allah”. I’ve only slipped once with Mr A and felt terrible for crying and being upset when he was in all that pain… so here I am, just saying constant prayers and hoping that he gets better soon and trying to not let the constant and persistent ‘everything else’ (i.e. my job, the mind-numbing antics of my mother that never seem to desist and seeming all ok in front of Mr A’s folks as they are more than worried enough!)
Just wanted to keep you all updated…
Thanks again…
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