The last 24 hours…

9 missed calls.

ONE issue

That I have, had and continue to discuss numerous times.

On every call – as soon as I pick up DIRECTLY after I reply “alaikum salam”

At no point am I asked if I can talk right now or if I’m busy

At NO point am I asked how I AM – not EVEN as a rhetorical question!

Two missed calls in the morning by 7am – I called back and provided advice… she disagreed with the advice & I say; “ok, buts that my opinion… I can’t talk today as I’m work…” She said that she was calling to ask what she should do: I told her that yesterday when I spoke to her I told recommended what she should do and then discussed why I thought that was the best option but that she still decided to do it her way so that really as she was going to do it her way she should just go ahead and do so as I don’t know anything.

FOUR missed calls after that conversation (within a 2 hour period) yielded but one VM *amazing – just one? The most notable quote in the message that I am certain is meant to make me call her ASAP but instead had the exact opposite effect which frustrated me to no end as I am beyond dealing with this same “STUFF” all the time: “you trying to kill me – this is why you not answer your phone?”

I mean really – really? At what point does a person ask themselves “the current approach I am trying is not working; perhaps I should try another?” or “my daughter actually never asks me for anything anymore except to look after her baby but once a week – WHY does my adult daughter not rely on me?” or even “hmm – maybe it’s not everyone else around me… maybe it’s me?” 

FYI: I have tried on many occasions to approach my mum’s idiosyncrasies in more than a few different manners: I have tried the “I will do it all for you before you even ask & you will find things are just mysteriously done for you” approach… I found this was NOT a good option as whilst I don’t expect to be given words of praise I would like to have some mild acknowledgement for my contribution no to mention ist is a LOT harder doing everything when trying to juggle that, a child and all other wifely+house duties + work!. Using this methodology only made her think of more things for me to do and buy for her without her realising that I was already doing so much. I’ve tried the “I will show you once so that you can do it for yourself”, this resulted in what I have coined to be the “I will show you again for the 20th time in a row so that I can fool myself into thinking that you may eventually want to do it for yourself”. I have tried the “I am not doing anything for you and you will somehow find a way” which led to a BARRAGE of calls and messages and crying but that she somehow was able to get stuff done (proving all along what I knew: that she does know what she’s doing but prefers me to do it for her!) but also led to me feeling that I was/am a terrible child and should at least endeavour to help her where I can!

The methodology I now live by is one I can emotionally handle (that is, doing it this way does not make me feel entirely like I am the worst offspring in the world) wherein I provide advice, I listen and help up to 3 times relating to the same issue and with each subsequent time I remind that I have shown/done/advised her on this matter yesterday/earlier today/today, yesterday and the day before and then (just as clearly) advise that “this is the last time I am talking/helping you with this..” if it is mentioned again I either dismiss it or ignore it or end the call with “I love you, assalamu alaikum…” I have dubbed this my “baseball: 3 strikes” method

Honestly- if I could somehow manage to move to some far flung country I would!

If any of you say I should be ‘more patient’ let me tell you now: BITE ME! Until you have walked a mile in my shoes you have NO idea how constant this is and just how impatient she is/can be… you have no idea how the family members who used to tell me to ‘be more patient’ and ‘make dua for it to be easier’ have now finally seen a glimpse of just how she can be because now when she visits them it is without me to ‘buffer’ the way she is…

NOTE: Since typing this I have received an additional 3 missed calls and another message!

Oh and you can bet I am making dua for this whole ‘situation’ to be easier…

ON ANOTHER NOTE: Happy new year people! Welcome to 2014!

The working mother = The guilty parent…

This parenting and working caper, I feel is such an insidious game on the emotions. It creates a barrage of guilt and emotions and I feel it either too difficult or far too irrational to explain to hubby.

How do I explain that it pains me so that it has been SO long since missy has called me mama. That her first word was mama and was music to my ears; all through our holiday it was two weeks of “mama, mamamamama… mama!” and now nothing unless she’s hurt herself. Sh’s saying SO many other new words… but no mama. 

On the days I am not working we have such fun together, we laugh, we play, we eat together – we get stuff done. She is my entire world – I adore her beyond words, but it breaks me inside when she wants to go to others in the family and doesn’t seemed particularly fazed when I go to pick her up…

 

I am sure (sort of) that is a just a phase (hopefully) – any thoughts people? 

Tired just thinking about it

Well peeps – it’s Friday; the weekend is imminent and I for one will be glad once its over! Just thinking about what we’ve got planned this weekend has been exhausted. Tonight after work I am off with Mr A to help him find some new pants that he needs to match these new shoes he bought that in turn match the dress that I am wearing. This weekend we have: a wedding + reception to go to, Greek Easter and then on the Sunday we have his cousin’s baby’s christening to go to.

 

Before someone/anyone gets on my case about being a Muslim going to a christening and the whole ‘haram’ it may be let me say this: our beloved prophet preached respecting our fellow people of the book – if any of you want to throw down the gauntlet and request for examples or lament in opposition I am more than happy to read and respond to your comments… but I warn you – don’t get me started! Mr A’s parents and family isn’t Muslim but their still family and they more than accommodate and respect for the Muslim ideologies that have been introduced and implemented into their households. I could go on about this as I am more than a little passionate about this issue of religious harmony and cohabitation but will leave here for the sake of getting to the crust of the intention of this post.

 

SO, about the christening – I haven’t been to many (read: 1) so I think it’s safe to assume that I don’t have hordes of knowledge on the matter. But from what I’ve heard + the one that I went to its pretty much a church thing then back to the parents place for finger food.

 

Mr A’s cousin (the mother of the baby to be christened) is going seriously all out for this 3 month old. First (in the morning) is the christening at the Roman Catholic (well, they are Italians!) church (which I don’t have to go to…yay!) where said lil boy will be wearing the lil christening dress and dunked in water – I have no doubt that crying will be loud and constant post ‘dunking’!

 

Then we have an early lunch that is meant to go for ages. When I spoke to said cousin on Sunday she told me that each table will have a platter of salt & pepper squid for appetisers (oh my lord – how many people on each table and how many tables are there really going to be???) which is when the waiters will take our choices for the main meal (what the??? Is this normal??) Which is a choice of either freshly made Gnocchi or rib-eye steak or a swordfish dish. After that we have the option of either tiramisu or some other dessert which as of Sunday seemed like would be gelato. Does anyone else besides Mr A and I see that this is madness – its for a baby who is 3 months for goodness sake! We’re getting this feast while he gets milk…. And its formula at that!

 

More and more I (as well as Mr A) am seeing that this little boy is going to grow up a whiny brat who will cry and throw tantrums to get what he wants (as it’s working already and he’s only 3 months old)!

 

At lunch on Sunday every time so much as a peep was heard on the baby monitor his mum would get up and check on him. at one point for a good 40 minutes the only female at the table was me as all other females (baby’s mother, her sister, the baby’s grandmother, Mr A’s mum and another aunty) were in the nursery trying to calm him down… when I asked what the frig was wrong with him (besides being molly-coddled to death)  the baby’s dad (who wasn’t worried at all) said that he (the baby) was all grumpy because he hadn’t done a poo all day!

 

OH MY GOD! I felt like getting up into that nursery and telling them to leave him alone – none of their actions are going to make him take a dump! When Maria (baby’s mother) did finally come down I asked how she got the baby to sleep “oh, I had to rock him in my arms until he fell asleep”!!!!

 

The funniest answer came from Mr A’s mother when I lamented to her that all this ‘fussing’ was actually not good for the baby and his long term development (gee – developmental psych much?): “well, my grandchild won’t be like that!”

 

Sheesh…. I can honestly say that Mr A and I are more than excited when the weekend comes to a close!

 

I never thought I’d see the day when I’d say this but bring on Monday!

I didn’t tell you….

There has been something I have kept from you… I actually intended to have my Nikah while my mum was away (on her holiday).  Before you berate me and gasp in horror and leave me a million comments about how doing this would make me a terrible, terrible Muslim daughter let me tell you that all that I have had to endure with my mum’s blatant disrespect at me, fiancé and our decision to get married has been more shocking than sad. In some respects I think I would prefer her to be angry or upset rather than her blatant obvious intentions to have us break up or her constant attempts to disregard the fact that I am CLEARLY with someone and have other single men and their families come and ask for my hand with them being told by my mum that I am not with anyone.

 

Her behaviour is not Mr A related – it is a trait that I have had to endure for the last few years that have gotten progressive worse to the point of me being hollowed and disheartened by her. Where she has smiled and nodded at everything I wanted to do and then made me do things her way… always. I would (and continue to do so) patiently endure whatever needs to be done to be sure that she had what she needed whilst having to listen to her little comments that she doesn’t realise hurts me:

 

About the girl who wears hijab but is never seen with her mother because she is embarrassed to go out to her mother’s gatherings – “look at Aisha; why can’t you wear hijab like her”

 

About the girl next door who is married and has 2 children to a man her mother picked out for her from Turkey but suffers from spousal abuse and doesn’t pray – “Why can’t you be like Suraya? Marry who I want you to marry?”

 

About a friends daughter who she shared a room with on Haj – “look at how nice and obedient she was with me” who I later heard was counting the days until mum was returned into my hands!

 

To the boy who took his father to Sydney for a week and paid him to stay at a posh hotel – “… masha Allah Jamal paid for everything for Uncle for that week… you don’t take me for holiday or stay in hotel like that” yep – I just pay more than half the bills and the day to day costs – but that’s nothing isn’t it?

 

To the other boy who bought his mum and dad a TV – “Subahan-Allah, to have such a child how would buy such a big TV just for his parents” and then the constant barrage of “this person has a new big TV” and “did you see ‘such & such’s’ TV? I didn’t need to have my glasses on to read the subtitles!” So that weeks later I gave in and bought a bigger and better plasma TV for my mum to watch with her response only being “I never asked you to buy me such a big TV”

 

To the family that have a satellite in their backyard I am beginning to hear her say “ooohh – you know, uncle *** has a satellite and has all the Arab and Indonesian channels – I don’t need one of those…” which is code for “why don’t you get me one of those so I can watch it too?”

 

To the statements like;

“We need a new rice cooker… when are you going to get one for us?” (FYI I rarely eat rice!)

“I would love to buy a Dust buster vacuum – you should get me one”

“Our tap keeps dripping – I will find a plumber; you just give me the money for it.”

 

To the many little comments that strike like darts that I cannot even write because I would prefer to not say them…

So I have totally lost track to what I wanted to say – sorry… needless to say I didn’t have the nikah whilst mum was away – she returns on Sunday night. I don’t know how I feel about that… or rather I do, but dislike and am disappointed in myself that I feel this way.

 

I fear that whilst she is away she sounds happy and receptive to what I am saying that when she comes back (here) things will continue on the saddened path they were on before her departure….

 

So here I am – a woman who loves her mother and aims to ensure that she has everything she needs to be comfortable but a woman who is itching to get away from all of this emptiness…

Looking for a new job in 2009?

I got this great email from Deb (at work) that I just had to post… to anyone who is wanting to have kids?

Job Description for a Parent.


POSITION
:


Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mum, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work

in an often chaotic environment.


Candidates must possess excellent communication & organizational skills

Be willing to work variable hours;

which will include evenings & weekends


Frequent 24 hour shifts on call.


Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends

& endless sports tournaments in far away cities!


Travel expenses not reimbursed.


Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities:

The rest of your life.


Must be willing to be hated…

at least temporarily… until someone needs $5.


Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.


Must also possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
& be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, (this time) the screams from the backyard

are not someone just crying wolf.


Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges;
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
& stuck zippers.


Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars &
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.


Must have ability to plan & organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages & mental outlooks.


Must be willing to be indispensable one minute & an embarrassment the next


Must handle assembly & product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys & battery operated devices


Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst


Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product

 

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance &
janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for Advancement & Promotion:

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining; 

Constantly retraining & updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

Previous Experience:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages & Compensation:

Get this! You pay them!


Offering frequent raises and bonuses.


A balloon payment is due when they turn 18

because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent


When you die, you give them whatever is left


The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right 

 

Can I just say that I am a little worried…  I already do quite a lot of these items with my mum… susi – we may end up feeling déjà vu in our role(s) as parents!