feeling troubled….

In the last 2-ish weeks or maybe that’s 3 actually I have to admit that I have been infected by the bug that is Zumba. I am loving it – maybe not LOVING it when I am in the middle of it (when I am huffing and puffing and sore and hot the last word that comes to mind is love. In fact, truth be told I am anxiously awaiting for the hour to be over!) but when its all over and I am on the way home and i’ve gotten my breath back I feel engerised and happy and satisfied with myself that I am getting into shape.

My lust for Zuma is so high right now that I am going between 2 to 3 times per week… madness isn’t it? But last night I must admit something – I ditched zumba.

Why? Because I was feeling down. Because my mum gets back this Sunday. Because I am at a point where I have no idea where to go from here (in relation to her). That I am beyond the point of trying – that I just want it (or me) to just be able to go away. That because as fast as I know she will walk through the arrival’s lounge I want to get her straight back into the departures lounge.

And I am thinking about it constantly now. And I am hating myself for all of this. Hating my thoughts, disliking that the only relationship I have with my mum is dysfunctional (at best).

Hating that I love her with all my heart but that I don’t like her.

Just wanting to pick her up – not say a word. Take her home and her into the house and then walk out. And go to where I feel at home which is not there.

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It’s ALL Mr A’s fault…

Poor Mr A has had a migraine all day yesterday – it was so bad that he had to leave his business in the morning to go home… his mum (yes, he lives at home) later told me that he had not left his room all day (except for bare necessities… you know what I mean!). The poor guy looked absolutely terrible when I saw him… although in saying that most guys I know will seem as though they’re on deaths door when in reality they’ve only got the flu!

 

So I finished work early to go and see him… after a few hours at his place I went back home to the mother – now I was home well and truly within the normal time of me being home from work… my mum was sitting there crying… CRYING!

Me: What’s wrong? (*adding in my brain: this time*)

Mum: (*while crying*) I feel so alone – I was worried about you… I try to call you this afternoon – you did not answer.

Me: I got your missed call – I was in a meeting. i can’t help that you feel alone – I was at work… you knew where I was…

Mum: you don’t care about me anyway…

 

*Sigh*

 

So clearly this was going to be my theme for the evening… have you ever got the strongest urge/desire to walk out the door you just walked through? To walk out of there quicker than you walked in? I do – sadly it is more bloody often than not!!!

 

Later one that night got no better – while watching a lame Australian series (that I must admit I do watch almost nightly – after a long day at work mindless TV has its merits!) mum made some ridiculous comment… Currently on this show one of the girls is being stalked by some guy who previously raped her. Anyway, on last nights episode the guy caught up with her and was being pretty brutal and threatening to attack & rape her again (for not keeping her mouth shut).

Mum: see – look at what’s happening… you want to marry people like this? so I have grandchildren like this?

Me: Uuummm – did YOU raise me to know that there are good and bad in EVERY single race, religion and gender?

Mum: you think you’re smart – always have answer. Allah knows…

I made the decision to call it a night at that point – or at least call it a night in her presence (as I hardly consider it to be company!) and go to room – all hail that I am pretty much self-sufficient in my room; cleansing wipes – check, books/mags – check, soy chips/pretzels/something to snack on – damn straight, TV? Oh yeah! Prayer mat/scarf – sorted! Seriously though – it’s more than frustrating…

 

So later that night mum keeps coming past my room telling me that I should go to sleep… ugh – whatever…

 

Early this morning as I have just finished morning prayers (about 5.20am) – she opens my bedroom door:

Mum: I have an appointment early this morning and last night I not sleep because thinking of you and how to want to kill me; so I take sleeping tablets and still I not sleep well. I tell you if I have accident and something happen to me today is because of Mr A.

Me: *silence*

Mum: I promise you – if you marry him it will end. Very badly – he will treat you so bad… you know he doesn’t really love you… only me. But you not love me – you always try to kill me. You must choose me… finish with him!

Me: I’ve got to get up for work soon – can you close the door please? *rolling over* Thanks.

 

*Am torn being either crying over this AND wanting to silently just walk out…*

 

Have decided that the aim is to be outta here by my birthday!

Hmm – its all a little strange….

My mum is asking for copies of my passport photos – am I afraid? Not really – am I curious at what sort of mayhem she has planned? Perhaps!

 

My mum went out yesterday with all the “auntie’s” as Mondays are their weekly gossip session, competition over who can cook the best/most food Quran session. Now I have not really been to any of these sessions but I have heard my mum talk about them and although there appears to be some discussions about religion, Quran and translation and implementation of a verse it does appear that A LOT of the following occurs:

Eating…. Copious amounts of eating – my mum has never come home empty handed from these gatherings!

 

Talking about their married children – thus making my mum more resolute to annihilate my engagement with Mr A and get me some other more my-mother-appropriate type!

 

Talking about how bad those who don’t wear a hijab are – therefore making my mum come home and go on and on and on at me that I must wear one

 

Talk about the state of the west and how terribly ‘open’ everything is and how It is ruining their children and that she should go back to the home country – making my mum more resolute to get me over for hajj, wearing a hijab and thus moving me back to the ‘old’ country (where things are all apparently pure and clean – yeah right!)

 

Talking about one’s ailments – making each woman more obsessed about their spurs, spurts of arthritis, hay fever and benign cysts – therefore making my mum CERTAIN that her time is nigh and that I should be more mindful that she is going to die soon and that I am killing her.

 

Anyway – my mum went there yesterday and came home with food and now is going on about my passport photos and how lucky I am that I have dual citizenship because it’s easy for us to move back… huh? What? When we move back?

 

Hahahahahahahahahaha – yeah right… because THAT’S going to happen! Good luck her trying to organise that!

 

I have a feeling though that this is what she’s trying to do – as on some nights she’ll get a call at some obscure times and she’ll be rather intense about needing to “do what’s right” and that “she knows what she’s doing” and “no matter what we need to organise this soon”. It all seems like one big plot to arrange something devious as on the occasions I’ve gotten up and walked passed her room she’s either gone all silent and asked me why I’m up for or tell whoever it is she needs to get off the phone!

 

Very strange indeed!

 

Anyway – I told her that I have no idea where my passport photos are and asked what on earth she needed for… she went all elusive and angry and said that “she just needed them” and that she was disappointed that I showed little regard to something so important…

 

Hmmm… very strange!

Dinner & Yes Man

Last night was absolutely lovely – Mr A loved the dinner that I made for him! Talk about fusion – I made Arabic rice (the one with the pine nuts & lamb mince in it) and beef rendang (from scratch my dears!)… It was absolutely delicious! Poor Mr A was gob smacked to hear that the rendang had 3 cans of coconut milk in it that simmers down to the amount that was only the table – I didn’t have the heart to tell him that this is why it’s a dish that is not cooked very often (and + all the spices that I grind in the mortar and pestle + the desiccated coconut) and if I did it probably would lead to high cholesterol! Hehe – he liked it so much he asked for some of the rice and rendang in a little container so he could have it for lunch today at work!

 

I didn’t get to watch all my shows thoughL! Monday is normally a pretty good TV night for me, America’s Next Top Model and Army Wives to name only 2… after dinner and getting close to end of America’s Next Top Model (that Mr A was lamenting about saying that “this show is crap” and “how can you watch this shit?” to “ugh – I’m just going to read my car magazine”) he suggested we go to watch Yes Man (the movie starring Jim Carrey)! Yes, it was the most obvious ploy plotted to not have to sit through Army Wives with me (he doesn’t really like Jim Carrey) but in the spirit of compromise (and the fact that I actually did want to see the movie) I checked screening times and said that as so long as I got to watch the rest of America’s Next Top Model that we’d go soon after!

 

So about Yes Man – I thought it was rather funny! Not ‘drop dead hilarious’ funny or ‘tears down your face, side splitting’ funny, but funny nonetheless! As per usual

Jim Carrey does what he does best, but the other characters the played alongside him were actually rather funny in their own right! I have had 2 people ask me if it’s like Liar Liar? I will say yes… and no! yes in the way that as in Liar Liar he was unable to lie and that in this movie he is unable to say no, this movie differs in that he makes a promise (or ‘covenant’ as they say in the movie) to himself that he will say yes to all opportunities that he is presented with!

 

I’m not going to give anything away in case any of you are going to watch it, but I will say this; the movie make me think about how many opportunities a person misses because they say ‘no’. I think back to the Mark Twain adage; where it is better to regret the things that you have done rather than the things that you haven’t done!

 

Oh – I think I missed a call from my mum last night while I was at the movies… I sent her a message (as I also got one from her that someone must have written for her… she doesn’t send sms’s normally) saying that I’d call her back tomorrow (meaning later on tonight)

 

I will say I enjoyed my entire evening – not just because it was spent with Mr A (but obviously that was a huge part of it) but because of the ‘easiness’ of it all – the ability to just say “lets go to the movies” and be able to get up and go rather than have to go through the normal rigmarole with my mum when I want to go out on a weeknight, the usual lamenting involved when I say I am off to some social place like the cinema and the knowing impending tirade upon my return home… *sigh* oh well!

Because a picture paints a thousand words…

Sometimes I am astounded by myself… not in s sense that I ‘wow’ myself but rather that I am surprised by the intensity that a feeling, thought and action can be carried out. In such silent frustration I plod along – this constant passive-aggressive who dislikes to ‘rock the boat’ unless totally necessary (read: at my wits end!)

 

Since we’ve been back my mum has been harping on about how my aunt and her son will soon be coming to visit us here in Australia and that because of this the house must be in a constant state of immaculate cleanliness – that the cookies in the cookie jar are to be always full (as my aunt is a big snacker) and that the fridge is to be stocked to capacity as though at any given time we are prepared to feed an army… whatever; I have learnt that it is far, far easier to go along with this part – even though I did tell her that when they come they told me they’d message and call me with their flight details as I was their ride over. The situation then flows on into my bedroom – the constant checking to make sure everything is as she likes it. Don’t get me wrong, I do like a clean room, but every now and then if I am in a rush for work I’m not fazed if I don’t do my bed or there are a few clothes on the bed – it’s no biggie.

 

But I have noticed something over the last week-ish that at first I thought was odd and now I just think is a little more than annoying, frustrating but somehow comical in its consistency! In my room I have photo of me, Mr A, Susi, and 2 other close friends on my dresser (taken at my last birthday when I just got back from Thailand – I am looking so fresh and relaxed!) – We will call this: ‘Photo A’ there is also another one of me, Susi and another of my close friends which we will call ‘Photo B’. Both photos are not in a frame; it’s clipped into one of those photo clip things so that it juts up. Well, just about every single day (except one) I get home and strangely enough Photo A has fallen (face) down on my dresser. At first I thought it was an accident; that it accidentally fell as my mum walked past, so I’d just pick it up and think nothing of it. After the third day I noticed that this was only happening to Photo A; the photo with Mr A in it… hmm (I thought) – curious and curiouser (forgive me; I’m quoting Alice in Wonderland)! So I started to pay more attention to this photo; every day I would get home and see it face down, fallen on the floor – also face down, laying on my dresser – face down. Surely my room doesn’t have that much wind going through it while I’m not around?????

 

Then yesterday when I got back home from work I noticed that Photo A was face down on my dresser with my TV remote on top… now, in no way could this be the wind! Finally, I had to be honest with myself and admit that my mum was going into my room (while I was at work or out) for whatever reason and was turning over this photo… I can only think it’s because of Mr A as mum has not done anything to the other photo (Photo B). Plus if we work on the concept of probability (being that the wind had merely ‘tipped’ the photo over) then there would also be the same amount of probability that Photo B would have fallen over as they are both the same weight and are placed in the same location in the same manner. No… I can only come to one conclusion: that this was intentionally done by my mum (there is only one other person in my house besides me: my mum)!

 

So, because I haven’t wanted to cause a probable argument I have quiet – silently wondering what was happening… saying nothing. Yesterday; after the remote control ‘situation’ I decided that enough was enough…

 

I got my camera out and headed out to Officeworks (it’s an office supply store near my house that also does photo prints) and did some printing… of photos.

 

Of quite a few photos’….

 

In total about 8 photos’….

 

Photo’s of me…. and Mr A

 

So I went home… gave mum the photos of our trip (as she had said that she wanted a copy of the pics taken + the CD it was on) and then went into my room… 

I framed the pics that I had printed!

 

All of them! Including the one that kept ‘falling over’ on my dresser!

 

I left the house this morning daring all those photos’s to ‘suddenly’ fall off my wall… face down of course!

I wanna go home :(

I have a sore head… a throat that is so, SO sore it feels as though its closing in on itself. A nose that is now commencing to run and eyes that are watering up….

 

Healthy and Feeling great is hardly words I would use at the moment to describe how I am feeling right now.

 

Did I mention that I have begun to sneeze? A lot…. And that this is causing my eyes to water more?

 

Oh and I have an assignment to proof-read that I need to respond by the end of the day…..

 

Doe’s anyone wanna trade places?

Anyone for a cup of tea? Coffee?

Sad news:

My kettle has died and gone to the big kitchen in the sky (actually, the reality is it is now in the trash) L. Yesterday afternoon mum got the fright of her life while trying to make herself a cup of tea!While waiting for the water to boil and washing the dishes (we are multi-taskers… I have learnt from the master) she was given a stellar fire show which obviously totally freaked her out! Thankfully we have the safety swith thing in our meter box that automatically switches off the power (from the mains) when something like this happens. So off went the power and off with the TV!

 

At this point my mum has totally forgotten that we have the safety switch and that all she needs to do is go outside and switch it back on – she is standing there in the kitchen thinking that the entire house has short circuited due to said kettle nearly being in flames!

 

All was worked out though as one of mum’s friends came over and she called her husband in to take a look – he figured it out (i.e. flicked the switch) and the power was restored!

 

So tomorrow (as its late night shopping here on Thursday’s) I am on the hunt for a nice new kettle…

 

*sigh*

It’s a little depressing when I think that living with my mum is almost like living on my own (paying bills, cleaning and mopping, calling people to organise fixing/delivering/planting/etc, buying TV – a plasma no less; that’s a whole other story of Mum “keeping up with the Abdullah’s”, kettle and toaster) EXCEPT for these huge differences that include but are definately not limited to: Curfew (grrr… my mum constantly laments, nags & incessantly mentions how “you getting old – need to hurry and get married” can I ask why I’m apparently not too old for curfew?), where I’m going, who I am going with, what time I will be home (normally involving the comment of “you must come home at XX time”), comments regarding what I am wearing, why I am still awake at 10pm when I have work the next day… urgh… I am just gonna stop this list too now; its far too long and far too depressing!