No electricity due to storm…

You have NO idea how frustrated i am by the fact that since 4:20pm YESTERDAY we have had NO power at our place! None…. Because of storms that hit Perth yesterday afternoon… So everything in our freezer is gone, our fridge has had to be cleaned out…

But when i called Western Power do you think they have any idea as to when this will be resolved? NO.

I look on the website and it informs me “estimated time unknown” gee – thanks for the f%*ken ‘information’!

I am presently on hold with them – for the last 14 minutes and 49 seconds… Waiting to talk to their customer service agents!!

And there people is my little rant!

UPDATE: I am very grateful that my car is fine (alhumdulillah) as many cars were left with ‘dings’ on their bodies due to the golfball size hail! i have some pics at the office of the madness so i will have to put them up soon so you can see that ‘stormy’ doesn’t even cover the havoc!). Our electricity returned after 2 nights…

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feeling troubled….

In the last 2-ish weeks or maybe that’s 3 actually I have to admit that I have been infected by the bug that is Zumba. I am loving it – maybe not LOVING it when I am in the middle of it (when I am huffing and puffing and sore and hot the last word that comes to mind is love. In fact, truth be told I am anxiously awaiting for the hour to be over!) but when its all over and I am on the way home and i’ve gotten my breath back I feel engerised and happy and satisfied with myself that I am getting into shape.

My lust for Zuma is so high right now that I am going between 2 to 3 times per week… madness isn’t it? But last night I must admit something – I ditched zumba.

Why? Because I was feeling down. Because my mum gets back this Sunday. Because I am at a point where I have no idea where to go from here (in relation to her). That I am beyond the point of trying – that I just want it (or me) to just be able to go away. That because as fast as I know she will walk through the arrival’s lounge I want to get her straight back into the departures lounge.

And I am thinking about it constantly now. And I am hating myself for all of this. Hating my thoughts, disliking that the only relationship I have with my mum is dysfunctional (at best).

Hating that I love her with all my heart but that I don’t like her.

Just wanting to pick her up – not say a word. Take her home and her into the house and then walk out. And go to where I feel at home which is not there.

The end is near…

My mum’s return is imminent… seriously – where did this time go? She is scheduled to return to Aussie-land on the 27th of December… and I am left feeling bereft and torn by the mounting ocean of emotion that is threatening to engulf me!

I feel shit… there is no other word for it really; bad, terrible… these do not even begin to explain the feeling. I feel like utter crap because her return is imminent and I am wishing that she would call me to say she’s extending her stay. See? I am a bad daughter!

Its not that I don’t love her – I know that it sounds like an oxymoron; saying that I wish she’d be away longer whilst in the same breath saying that I love her but it is genuinely true. I love my mum; I know that everything she has done and will do is because in HER mind it is the best thing for me. She’s raised me to the best of her ability and I don’t think I turned out too bad and she did it all by herself. Growing up I had and continue to remember and ocean full of memories; of us chatting together, going to the movies and shopping, of mum showing me how to cook dishes and bake cakes, of teaching me to sew and taking me to swim classes, of birthday parties and matching mother-daughter outfits (I know – seriously lame!). I remember telling her about the boys I had a crush on, about going through court when my parents divorced; of watching her cry every single Eid because it was always just the 2 of us. Of her telling me that it didn’t matter that I was different from everyone else in school and that no matter what I was her little princess and that she loved me as much as any mummy and daddy could.

And yet here we are… years later… and I love her… and I want to make her happy… but I don’t really like her much. We don’t understand each other any more… we have a profound language barrier – and yet we actually speak the same language! She doesn’t want to “hear” anymore and over the years I have become tired of trying… and so our conversations are now fake; they aren’t real – they are nothing… I call her every couple of days and in reality it’s as though I am dropping dollars into the ocean.

Where did it go? Where did my mum disappear to?

It’s ALL Mr A’s fault…

Poor Mr A has had a migraine all day yesterday – it was so bad that he had to leave his business in the morning to go home… his mum (yes, he lives at home) later told me that he had not left his room all day (except for bare necessities… you know what I mean!). The poor guy looked absolutely terrible when I saw him… although in saying that most guys I know will seem as though they’re on deaths door when in reality they’ve only got the flu!

 

So I finished work early to go and see him… after a few hours at his place I went back home to the mother – now I was home well and truly within the normal time of me being home from work… my mum was sitting there crying… CRYING!

Me: What’s wrong? (*adding in my brain: this time*)

Mum: (*while crying*) I feel so alone – I was worried about you… I try to call you this afternoon – you did not answer.

Me: I got your missed call – I was in a meeting. i can’t help that you feel alone – I was at work… you knew where I was…

Mum: you don’t care about me anyway…

 

*Sigh*

 

So clearly this was going to be my theme for the evening… have you ever got the strongest urge/desire to walk out the door you just walked through? To walk out of there quicker than you walked in? I do – sadly it is more bloody often than not!!!

 

Later one that night got no better – while watching a lame Australian series (that I must admit I do watch almost nightly – after a long day at work mindless TV has its merits!) mum made some ridiculous comment… Currently on this show one of the girls is being stalked by some guy who previously raped her. Anyway, on last nights episode the guy caught up with her and was being pretty brutal and threatening to attack & rape her again (for not keeping her mouth shut).

Mum: see – look at what’s happening… you want to marry people like this? so I have grandchildren like this?

Me: Uuummm – did YOU raise me to know that there are good and bad in EVERY single race, religion and gender?

Mum: you think you’re smart – always have answer. Allah knows…

I made the decision to call it a night at that point – or at least call it a night in her presence (as I hardly consider it to be company!) and go to room – all hail that I am pretty much self-sufficient in my room; cleansing wipes – check, books/mags – check, soy chips/pretzels/something to snack on – damn straight, TV? Oh yeah! Prayer mat/scarf – sorted! Seriously though – it’s more than frustrating…

 

So later that night mum keeps coming past my room telling me that I should go to sleep… ugh – whatever…

 

Early this morning as I have just finished morning prayers (about 5.20am) – she opens my bedroom door:

Mum: I have an appointment early this morning and last night I not sleep because thinking of you and how to want to kill me; so I take sleeping tablets and still I not sleep well. I tell you if I have accident and something happen to me today is because of Mr A.

Me: *silence*

Mum: I promise you – if you marry him it will end. Very badly – he will treat you so bad… you know he doesn’t really love you… only me. But you not love me – you always try to kill me. You must choose me… finish with him!

Me: I’ve got to get up for work soon – can you close the door please? *rolling over* Thanks.

 

*Am torn being either crying over this AND wanting to silently just walk out…*

 

Have decided that the aim is to be outta here by my birthday!

Some things should never be said!

Lets make things abundantly clear here… some things should not be said. There are undoubtedly some things that we think and that we yearn to say but in all seriousness it is in both your own and the other person’s best interest to seriously keep your mouth shut. Why? Why say things that you know will be hurtful? That even if you think may not be hurtful because some people are dense are seriously not relevant.

 

First things first – the other day Reza asked me about selling some gold and about money. I know and you know that my mum has brought him at this moment in my life in order to (somehow) ‘lure me away’ from Mr A. Whatever – I am totally ignoring that and living my life as though I have no clue. So what totally makes me laugh is the fact that I asked him if he needed to borrow from me that he could… the guy said thanks and that he may take me up on my offer!!!

 

Hahaha – seriously; to me Reza is family. I have no qualms in lending him money, paying for his cigarettes and paying whenever I take him out. He’s not working and I am. He’s on holidays here and I live here i won’t mention that apart from one meal I went on that was had been me, him and his younger brother that he paid for I had essentially been paying for everything else. I’m not saying this because I am a penny counting person; but rather that if I pay for myself (aswell as you) this is me telling you in capital letters that WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS, that I am definitely NOT LOOKING AT YOU IN “THAT” WAY. Because if I was interested in you, it would be your role as the man to at least offer to pay – because old-fashioned as it sounds I already have one liability, thanks but I don’t need another one! So its funny how this man who has no job, no source of income, no knowledge of what he wants to do with himself, finished high school 10 years ago but ha pretty much done f*#k all since then is apparently a better catch than Mr A???? Ohh, because we all be so lucky to have a man who will need to be reliant on my (the woman’s) income – I’m sorry, but in Islam isn’t he meant to provide for me?

 

But now let’s get back to what shouldn’t be said: last night I am in the bathroom with mum chatting away to me about whatever – I wasn’t particularly listening (I know, I’m a terrible daughter). Then mum mentioned something that I thought; what the? And opened the door a little more so I could hear her because I was standing there thinking ‘no way did you just say what I thought you said!’ So even as I am about to write/type this my stomach is doing summersaults that this was actually vocalised to me. I asked mum what she said (this was what she said):

 

“You know, your aunty said to me that Mr M was just using you so you could “help” him with his MBA”

 

What the fuck (I’m sorry – but I had to write it – I was and am still this baffled and upset by her telling me this)???? Internally I am so disheartened by this – you cannot fathom how irate I was on the inside. I was so tempted to get into it – to start something and tell her that I cannot believe that she would say this to me? Does she seriously think that I wouldn’t be hurt by that comment??? Really??? Does she seriously not know me at all???????

 

But I kept my calm, my composure and just went over to the door (about to shut it) and say; “yep, that’s great mum – and that’s why I’m not marrying any of these people you think are ‘fantastic’. Even Reza in there wants to marry me only so he can live here. I spent the whole morning cleaning this house and got no help from anyone – at least Mr A is helpful and loves me for who I am… not for what I can offer him. I have the person I want to marry. I’m sick of all the games those Arab men have played with me”

 

I went back to my room and shut the door, all the while calming myself down – I had no idea if I was angrier with her for saying that about Mr M or wanting to cry at the thought that Mr M has used me. Mum walked in a few minutes later (because she doesn’t knock) with a graduation photo of some guy and his mum and said: “this man will not use you – he has a degree and is a good man.”

Frustrated by this whole situation I just said; “Mum – I don’t care – I have a fiancé and I LOVE him… I intend to MARRY him!”

 

But I will say that a few minutes later I was thinking: whose bloody photo is that?????

 

Whatever – it’s all too much!