I Have Moved… but i’ll still be here

Because I’m complicated like that!

Where to begin? For awhile now I haven’t been quite so avid a blogger; it’s not because I haven’t wanted to write anything or because I haven’t felt compelled to write but more that when I DO find a moment of inspiration am having to wait until my (now nearly 2.5years old) lil miss is either napping or asleep (for the night) so that I can find more than 2 minutes to myself. Even then, is not quite the case as the reality is once she’s asleep I crank myself up a speed so I can get her backpack (if she is at either daycare or the grandparents the next day) or my nappy bag for the day ahead, bring in laundry, put dishes away/load dishwasher, clean bathroom(s), toilets, pick up toys, pay bills etc… even my leisurely “watch tv” at the end of the night with hubby is filled with folding laundry! And let’s not forget that somewhere amongst all of this I am meant to find time to have a shower, find time for hubby and I AND relax? Really – there aren’t enough hours in the day… did I also mention that whilst I returned to work (albeit at 3 days a week) when Amira was but 9 months old; I since returned to fulltime work when I was a couple weeks pregnant with offspring number two (i know; CRAZY right?). Which meant riding the guilt train so many nights as I pondered/cried/lamented about how much time I was missing out on with my little angel.

Let’s not even MENTION that pregnancy number two was NOT as easy as the first one was! No, this time around I swear the indigestion and acid reflux started the second after conception and only got progressively worse. I suffered sleeplessness from being uncomfortable in ADDITION to coping with an existing child who wasn’t sleeping through the night! Pregnancy number two rendered me so nauseous I seriously thought that actually having morning sickness which resulted in vomiting was probably a better alternative to the all-day situation I was living with!
Through all of this I have come up with a hypothesis: that most women will experience a terrible and tortuous second pregnancy. I believe that the reason for an “easy” first pregnancy (because can we just admit it now: pregnancy in itself is NOT easy… EVER unless of course you’re a Victoria Secret model in which case I truly believe that they are aliens) is God’s attempt to increase the human population and continue the human race; in having a “good” first pregnancy you (both parents) will be more inclined to “go on the merry-go-round” again and make yet another baby. And then THIS is where pregnancy number two fits in: number two is population control! you seem to go through SO much more with the second pregnancy that, post birth you will be less likely to go for baby number three.

But as usual I digress!

Over the last couple years (since the birth of my lil miss really) I have noticed a shift in my blogging. Once upon a time my blog posts had lil curly me as the main character… but now I’ve noticed that whilst I am playing a key role, I am no longer the central character; It’s my kids, my husband, my role of trying to juggle parenthood with work, with extended family, with my mum, with my friends (and lastly myself) – my opinions and witty thoughts are still at the forefront of it all but I think the journey has evolved. So I’ve moved my blog; I still want to write/blog but now the purpose for this writing has changed, I DO hope I’ll see you on my new blog; that you’ll read it and enjoy it. That you’ll comment…. I MUST take a moment to say to all of you – THANK you! I can only hope that you have all enjoyed reading my blog as much as I’ve enjoyed writing each and every blog. Thank you for your comments, your words, you time and your friendships; thank you for letting me vent and letting me be me and still wanting more. As I said; I SO hope you will join me at my latest endeavour:

A Journey of Mum

I don’t think i can bring myself to remove this blog; its part of me, a collection of my thoughts and experiences that’s “out there”. SO even as i know that i’m moving onto another blog i am still keeping this here. I like knowing that Days of Arabian Lives is still here… that i can check back here.

x

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I’ve been meaning to tell you….

It’s been a long time coming…

This news is actually long, LONG overdue. I have been meaning to jump online so many times and “quickly” tell you the news but its never happened. I’ve ended up making dinner, giving Amira a shower, taking a shower myself, putting her to bed, clearing up her toys, bringing in the laundry and folding it… going to work, doing grocery shopping, picking up Amira from day care… you catch the drift.

Today I told myself that I WILL tell you – I WILL get online and FINALLY tell you all that I AM PREGNANT!

Can you believe that we are doing this again? And here is where I feel terrible for not sharing sooner… I am about 5months along!

FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT

I’m pushing out another human in early November (OH MY GOD – SOOO soon!)

ANNNNNDDD…. We know what we’re having….

IT’S A BOY!

Again, I am so sorry for not telling you all sooner…

xx

Sometimes…

I get tired of all the little things that I silently push away

I get tired of seeming as though everything is ok

I get tired of the constant “giving in” I do to everyone around me & still they all want more

I get tired of wanting to get away

I get tired of having to be this happy bubbly woman

I get tired of being stoic & wish I could fall apart all the time like you all do to get your way

I get tired of being the bad cop, the mature one, the one who takes (unnecessary) criticism but never dispenses it for fear of upsetting you (all)

I get tired of being the calm one, the “fixer-upper”, the one who (seems to) always have to bend

I get tired of having to do things, make things, ‘deal’ with things, go to things to make you all happy when I don’t expect anything of anyone

I get tired so freaking tired of it that I don’t even know how to put it into words without it seeming petty

 

Sometimes is becoming a LOT of the times…

Quick Question: How often do you see your inlaws?

Seriously; i’m curious…. how often?

The roles we play: our true occupation

I am constantly amazed at the roles we, as individuals seem to play; both with our interaction with loved ones as well as our interactions in society. I am constantly baffled at how we end up with these ‘titles’/duties and cannot help but wonder if these roles only further reinforce our emotional roles within our family structures.

Take for example my role in my own relationship with my mum: I am the organiser, the fixer, the translator, the form filler, the corrector, the conflict resolution person, the calmer the list goes on but let’s let it t that… More and more, as my life evolves I start to realise that this role whilst in its entirety is with my mum; so many of these traits play key features in my other relationships.

In my household for example: My husband is the ‘worrier’ whilst I am the one who highlights the ease to his worry. I am the bill organiser, the planner, the contract reader. During moments of emotional upheaval I am the one who moves forward; plans, organises, calls; the shoulder to cry on; the person who bends over and picks up all their pieces and mends it/them all back together as I quietly stand beside them. I am the rock; the soft and quiet steady calm.

Today my cousin called from Doha to tell me that my uncle had passed away. He asks me to tell my mum – to make sure she is ok and gives me the necessary details: when he passed, when and where he is being buried today and why he had passed.

And then I notice how we move all that aside and talk of what needs to be organised: will my mum be heading off overseas? Will he be arranging for his mum (my mum’s now only remaining living sibling) to head over? That he is planning to organise things regarding my uncle’s kids (4 boys; 3 of which are still are very young) and his wife. We sit here in our respective countries and discuss what are the better options for a family that live in another country and I cannot help but see that this is the role my cousin and I play. Him being a man and older and more religious – he organises things; puts all the necessary things in place – arranges it all. And me being the understanding one to things in our family; I listen to his views and can actually give him input and options rather than bombard him with questions and worry.

We are the problem solvers; the calm.

I get off that call and call my mum. Explain to her the news; give her the details. Tell her again what my cousin told me. Explain the situation to her again and ask her that whatever she wants to do is up to her and that I would help arrange it. I am the calm. I listen to her barrage of fears, questions; her crying.
And I sit there silent and stoic – and I almost hate the fact that this is the way I have someone become programmed.

I go back to my desk (at work) and seemingly get back to work awash with sadness at the loss of my uncle and at the further cemented roles that my cousin and I play.

There are no tears.

There never are. They will come during a moment alone; a moment completely separate from this one where it will (probably) seem as though I am upset/crying over something else. I don’t know how else to be. This is just who I am.

Who I’ve always been.

The last 24 hours…

9 missed calls.

ONE issue

That I have, had and continue to discuss numerous times.

On every call – as soon as I pick up DIRECTLY after I reply “alaikum salam”

At no point am I asked if I can talk right now or if I’m busy

At NO point am I asked how I AM – not EVEN as a rhetorical question!

Two missed calls in the morning by 7am – I called back and provided advice… she disagreed with the advice & I say; “ok, buts that my opinion… I can’t talk today as I’m work…” She said that she was calling to ask what she should do: I told her that yesterday when I spoke to her I told recommended what she should do and then discussed why I thought that was the best option but that she still decided to do it her way so that really as she was going to do it her way she should just go ahead and do so as I don’t know anything.

FOUR missed calls after that conversation (within a 2 hour period) yielded but one VM *amazing – just one? The most notable quote in the message that I am certain is meant to make me call her ASAP but instead had the exact opposite effect which frustrated me to no end as I am beyond dealing with this same “STUFF” all the time: “you trying to kill me – this is why you not answer your phone?”

I mean really – really? At what point does a person ask themselves “the current approach I am trying is not working; perhaps I should try another?” or “my daughter actually never asks me for anything anymore except to look after her baby but once a week – WHY does my adult daughter not rely on me?” or even “hmm – maybe it’s not everyone else around me… maybe it’s me?” 

FYI: I have tried on many occasions to approach my mum’s idiosyncrasies in more than a few different manners: I have tried the “I will do it all for you before you even ask & you will find things are just mysteriously done for you” approach… I found this was NOT a good option as whilst I don’t expect to be given words of praise I would like to have some mild acknowledgement for my contribution no to mention ist is a LOT harder doing everything when trying to juggle that, a child and all other wifely+house duties + work!. Using this methodology only made her think of more things for me to do and buy for her without her realising that I was already doing so much. I’ve tried the “I will show you once so that you can do it for yourself”, this resulted in what I have coined to be the “I will show you again for the 20th time in a row so that I can fool myself into thinking that you may eventually want to do it for yourself”. I have tried the “I am not doing anything for you and you will somehow find a way” which led to a BARRAGE of calls and messages and crying but that she somehow was able to get stuff done (proving all along what I knew: that she does know what she’s doing but prefers me to do it for her!) but also led to me feeling that I was/am a terrible child and should at least endeavour to help her where I can!

The methodology I now live by is one I can emotionally handle (that is, doing it this way does not make me feel entirely like I am the worst offspring in the world) wherein I provide advice, I listen and help up to 3 times relating to the same issue and with each subsequent time I remind that I have shown/done/advised her on this matter yesterday/earlier today/today, yesterday and the day before and then (just as clearly) advise that “this is the last time I am talking/helping you with this..” if it is mentioned again I either dismiss it or ignore it or end the call with “I love you, assalamu alaikum…” I have dubbed this my “baseball: 3 strikes” method

Honestly- if I could somehow manage to move to some far flung country I would!

If any of you say I should be ‘more patient’ let me tell you now: BITE ME! Until you have walked a mile in my shoes you have NO idea how constant this is and just how impatient she is/can be… you have no idea how the family members who used to tell me to ‘be more patient’ and ‘make dua for it to be easier’ have now finally seen a glimpse of just how she can be because now when she visits them it is without me to ‘buffer’ the way she is…

NOTE: Since typing this I have received an additional 3 missed calls and another message!

Oh and you can bet I am making dua for this whole ‘situation’ to be easier…

ON ANOTHER NOTE: Happy new year people! Welcome to 2014!

You have 17 voicemail messages…

Image

Picture it if you will… it is the 26th of December; you are on your way to meet your bestie for your annual Boxing Day sales and you decide to check your voicemail (VM) messages as you’ve realised you hadn’t checked since the 19th (of December).

You check your VM:

1>     Your mum asking you to call her back

2>     Your mum

3>     Your mum again…

Of my 17 voicemail all but ONE of them was from my mother.

Each VM from her went for more than 90seconds and went through a myriad of emotions.

When I get a missed call from my mum I DO call her back usually within the hour… in 99.99999% of the time there has not been emergency which would require her to leave the message: “call me back – its very important”

When I DID call her back from one such message (“call me back AS SOON AS POSSIBLE – its very important”) I discovered it was relating to a letter she got about free Foxtel (“what is this foxtel? Why they send me this?” was also asked) and the cut-off date was that day and should she get it for the house? So as you can imagine the term “important” is loosely termed.

*in fact since writing this I decided to check my VM again.

So Since 27 December to date (today being the 30th) I have 6 messages.

5 from my mum ALL stating the same thing ( a letter I told her I would write for her, and give to her on TUESDAY the 31st of December… I told her in more than one language, on more than 5 calls during the weekend that I would write this letter for her on Monday and give it to her on Tuesday.) I TOLD her that I would DO IT and give it to her BY TUESDAY – at the END of each call I asked her if she understood and she said she did.

Since then AND through that week each call related to this letter.

EACH call! And for me to call her “as soon as possible” because “is very important”

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