How are YOU?

Do you know can be incredibly frustrating about my relationship with my mother? Is that is completely almost totally one-sided! I mean do NOT for a second think that I am ungrateful for everything she has done, sacrificed and achieved in raising me. Don’t for one millisecond think that I don’t sit here in awe of the fact that from the age of eight she raised me as a single parent without any emotional or monetary help from my dad at all.

BUT it seems that the moment I started earning an income I suddenly started morphing into something else. Sure, I was always the one mum spoke to about her problems, finances and don’t even get me started on the abundance of ‘emotional scarring’ my father left on my mother where I all too vividly remember mum crying in her bedroom then scooping me up so I could sleep with her in her bed. But even then if I (as a child) wanted to cry about my own sadness my mum always told me that seeing me cry hurt her too much – me crying would make her cry so that then i’d have to make her feel ok and happy, so in most cases I’d “sort myself” out by just crying by myself in the dead of night in my room.

When I graduated university and got that full-time job I changed yet again; I became the provider, the husband, the listener, the maintainer, the fixer, the translator, the plumber, the driver… BUT I still had a curfew and I STILL had to listen and obey her every instruction. But I did it; I sucked it up and did it – because she raised me, because she did it on her own, because I think she managed to do a bloody good job of it, because I DO love her, because she is my mother.

And now I’m married and have a baby – and whilst I am now not entirely playing the role of “financier” ( though that is NOT for lack of her trying) I am still the translator, the driver and the person to has to calm her down when things seem too much (which is often, as she is a highly anxious person). What frustrates me MOST of all is she never, ever asks how I am.


Even when she calls me and its obvious I am sick; she’ll say in an accusing tone “you sound sick – why aren’t you taking medicine?” HOW do you answer this? With a deep breath and “yeah, I have a cold, I am taking some medicine – thanks”. I mean really – what else can I say?

But don’t get me wrong – she LOVES our little girl; she looks after lil missy every Monday and I can tell she loves it. And when she calls me she DOES sometimes ask about Amira towards the middle/end of the conversation… she’ll even ask about hubby as well (I know right, how the times have changed!) and how she feels she hasn’t seen him in ages.

But not me – and not about what I’m doing or got planned for the day, or if her call is disturbing me from work etc. No, instead my mum jumps strainght into her conversation and wat is frustrating her at this VERY MILLISECOND and that I, as her daughter, her one and only child – the one she raised all by herself MUST stop whatever I am doing and listen, help and fix her issue… even if it is the EXACT same situation she has already told me of 4 times before in the last other 4 converstations (of which I may have provided a solution but that it does not meet her requirements.

Take for example my converstion with her but minutes ago – as soon as I picked up and said salam she was straight into it “remember how I went to the chemist yesterday? Well they didn’t have the medication for my prescription – so I went to another one today and they said only the chemist in Applecross has this – WHAT will I do? I MUST have this medication NOW! Plus I have the problem with the neighbour still! There are 5 cars parked in front of their and my house – it makes it very difficult for me to reverse out – I have a new car, I could have an ACCIDENT! WHAT should I DO? Maybe I call police and they talk to them? They don’t understand – you can’t JUST park in FRONT someone house like that!” do you notice how there are no full stops? Because my mum doesn’t use them – I feel the need to tell you that at this exact moment; whilst I’m on the phone to my mum that my lil missy is screaming her lungs out as I was trying to get her down for her afternoon nap and that I KNOW my mum would’ve been able to hear – but she doesn’t even ask what’s going on… why? Because SHE has an issue and I MUST listen and fix it…

And I’m totally stuck – I completely caught up in her “you have to help me because I am your mother and I do everything for you” only its not that she does everything for me – it’s that once upon a time I was a child and THEN she DID do everything for me. And tr as I may to desperately make her understand that in fact, for the last DECADE or so I HAVE been the one to do everything and that the moment I worked out my mum held over my head the fact she’d done it ‘all for me’ as a single parent (so that I “owed” her) I quickly smartened up and thought that I would rather go without than ask for help as I did not want my ‘list’ of ‘debt’ to get any greater.

What frustrates me and upsets me most of all is that there is no possible resolution in this situation because try as I have to explain things it either falls on deaf ears or she changes the subject or will throw the trump card: “I gave birth to you.” I can’t argue with that… so I stay silent and realise its easier to just go along with her.

But it hurts me.

Then she asks why she looks after missy once a week and my mother in law has her for 2 days (it’s really 1.5 days) – where do I go with that? That I don’t get a bigger a debt with you? That I hate asking you for anything as it is now? That it’s easier with my in laws because they have a stroller/car seat/toys and cot at their house that they’ve set up whereas at my mum she expects/asks/insist that I MUST purchase and leave all these things at her place because she has ‘no money’.

Don’t for one second underestimate my mum – she may seem like she ‘has no money’ and by no means is she ‘rolling in it’ but she is VERY smart with her money! We go out, she’ll suggest we go for lunch and ask me to pick a place that I know she’ll like (see; the way she makes it seem like I’m picking out the place?). Once we get to said place she’ll see what she wants and tell me what I should order for her then sits down… we go to her doctor’s appointment and she wants us to park close to hospital =but she never offers to pay for anything=, she wants to go away and visit family overseas and she’ll tell me how much the ticket is and then say “I’ll get the travel agent to call you and tell you ‘details’” (details = price); even on my birthday when she gets me a ‘gift’ it’s something I KNOW she’s already had at home. But she’ll say she has no money… and then proceeds to buy herself a band NEW car… only AFTER telling me that her friends daughter =allegedly= bought their mother a new car and asked her (the friend) that my mother should ask her daughter (me) to buy her a car. And even with this new car she doesn’t come to visit me on grounds of “it’s too far” because to my mum ANY place that is MORE than a 7 – 10 minutes’ drive away is WAY too far away (FYI: my house 15minutes drive from her place; the same distance it is from my in laws place!)

Don’t get me wrong, I am not resentful about the money; money comes and goes and she IS my mum and she HAS raised me all on her own. More than anything I am upset by the “cumulative-ness” of it all. Of all the expectation without warmth, with the total one-way street with no hesitation, with the fact that I seem to be a call centre officer to her so that all I am is the ‘fixer up-er”.

I am just so very emotionally tired and hurt by it all… but have to silently, stoically keep going and pretend that I am ok with ‘this’…

But she still doesn’t ask: “How are you?”

Today’s Youth

You know that signs of aging are occurring when you find yourself lamenting at the incompetencies of today’s youth… and then you laugh at the sentence you just wrote thinking about how today youth may not even comprehend the MEANING of “incompetencies”.

Last Friday I bought a few lip glosses in the same brand in numerous different colours. I went home and tried a few and surprisingly found them better than expected (especially for the crazy cheap price paid!) and wanted to exchange one of the clear ones for a pigmented tube one….

I went to a different store after reading the receipt that said that they only refund faulty products but that they exchange within 14 days with a receipt + the product in original condition.

I must first say that whilst I should not stereotype, I am usually the queen of stereotyping my own (people) so I stand firm in my own personal allowance to stereotype others! in saying that this girl was NOT blonde – she did look somewhat “vacant” in the eyes and she would have been ion the 15-17 age group.

Me: hi – I just wanted to swap this (at this point I take out said clear tube lipgloss) for this one (picking up coloured tube of gloss) – I have the receipt in the bag

Counter Staff: um – yeah – sorry, but like; we don’t do refunds here

Me: Yep – that’s fine; I did read that on the receipt but it says you can exchange within 14 days – I got this (*pointing to gloss*) yesterday and its still all sealed…

Counter Staff: oh… oookkaay (*VERY uncertain look on her face*), I’ll just need to check with my manager to see if I’m like able to do that

*the girl then goes to chat with a similar looking looking girl who looks about the same age… after a minute of chatting (which is fine) they both walk over to me*

Store Manager: So, um what was the problem with this gloss?

Me: nothing – I just want to exchange it for this other one as I wanted this colour instead

Store Manager: yeah – so, like we don’t do refunds here… it says so on the receipt….

Me: yep (I am still chatting to her as normal) – I don’t actually want to refund anything – the receipt says I can exchange. So I am exchanging this gloss for this other one which is exactly the same brand and price – just a different type…

Store Manager: oh ok then… (*looking at other girl now*) – just exchange it on the system

Anyway; it took the girl well over 5 minutes to figure out how to do it on the computer… at which time I stood there patiently wondering what has happened to the female youth and what possible hypothesis could be generated from their clear inability to do things that I am CERTAIN I could do (along with other staff I worked with at the time) when I was in the retail industry…

It led me to wonder about the possible options as to why I am finding this occurrence more prevalent:

1: Are standards to mental capacity AND ability to converse dropping within the recruitment process? Could this be because now all applications are all done online and that even then you are essentially just filling in boxes with your details? Therefore the HR department cannot properly glean that this person is in fact as alert as a pretty zombie?

2: I have noticed that girls are wearing makeup (as well as dyeing their hair) A LOT sooner these days and I am wondering if in fact all that bronzer we wear starts to permeate into our forehead and starts to kill off brain cells? This also helps to explain the mental capacity of the people in Jersey Shore, Geordie Shore and that show called Essex Style (all of which I adore watching as they all make me laugh!)

3: Is it all the hair product that girls use these days? It may be a ploy by large manufacturers to ‘dumb us down’ so that we are more susceptible to marketing mechanisms and therefore will spend more money… All that hairspray MUST affect more than just the ozone!

4: Does the movie “Clueless” have a lot MORE to answer for than we realise? Aside from the stereotype that Alicia Silverstone played let me TRULY clarify the idiocy of this: we in Australia do NOT sound like Americans… we have our own rather distinctive accent –WHY are our 15-17 year old girls sounding as though they belong in the valley? Can these girls PLEASE stop saying “like” SO much? Is that, like, possible? Like, at all?

I am not saying all those within this age group are over bronzed/tanned, too accessorised and don’t understand the concept of what a skirt is ACTUALLY meant to be about – nay; I have had and met some exceptionally articulate young individuals who are clearly going to make it beyond the perfume counter and are ACTUALLY willing to help… the sad thing is I find the ‘other’ variety far, far more depressingly prominent…

if this is the future of my yet to be conceived female children I can only think that I hope that unlike their mother they DO marry a petroleum engineer!

My Bridesmaid; The Single White Female

Remember how I mentioned a little while back that i was having bridesmaid issues? The one i called bridesmaid-zilla? Well – at first one of my girlfriends (Kerri) mentioned that she was behaving very ‘single white female’ and whilst i may downplay it on some level i think that there may actually be some substance in her need to be a little like me…

We went out to dinner last Wednesday night – FINALLY! But i won a small battle of getting her to go someplace I wanted to go – every single time we catch up it is ALWAYS somewhere near her neck of the woods… and she is almost always inevitably late – the weird thing is she actually finishes work early to pick up her little girl from school – i don’t get how she can be so late? One time we were meant to be at a shopping centre/mall at 5.30pm (close to her place). I KNOW that traffic is a bitch on a Thursday night so i left work 15 minutes early to get there on time – which i was (right on the dot if you must know). So i call her at 5.30 to see where she is – she tells me she is running late and that she is so sorry but she will be there closer to 6pm – whatever. I am the type of person that when you tell me you’re going to be late i have no problem with it; I just like to be kept in the loop. Mr A calls me at 6.15pm to figure out what time i’ll be home and if i’ll want dinner – i tell him i still waiting for her and he goes off! Telling me that i should just leave – that he cannot believe that i have waited already for 45 minutes. But she finally arrives – at 6.45; over an hour late from her original planned time that she arranged – i got a dismissive ‘I’m sorry’ and how her feet are killing her as she’s been running around all day.

*Sigh* Thank God for patience…

So imagine my surprise when she ages to said venue and is actually on time! I am floored! All in all we had a lovely time – i would love to think that she’s turned a corner; we’ll see! Although there were some comments that i felt really don’t need to be said then and there – like telling your girl that she isn’t coming to my wedding but i don’t want her there. This poor little girl looked at me with big brown eyes and i could not believe that i had to justify myself to her – “sorry sweetie; we aren’t having any little kids at the wedding reception”. Her comment leads me to believe that she is truly her mother’s daughter;

“I don’t care”

I responded with how there would be no children there and that she would probably be bored if she was there – again she smiled and said “i don’t care”. I mean really – why can’t mum just tell her that it’s a grown-up function?

Things between her and her man are going well now which is great – and also a reason why i know i haven’t heard from her: I am the fix it gal of her relationship; it is assumed that as Mr A is a convert and her hubby is also a convert and that i have been with Mr A longer that i will know how to work her man; sadly my extensive repertoire of oddball men have equipped me with many a valuable lesson – PLUS my ability to have handled and live with my own mother every day has fostered in me an unsurmountable amount of patience, persistence and ability to paraphrase until you TRULY understand what it is i am trying to tell you!

Anyway – as per usual I digress. She made a comment claiming that after months of bliss she and other half had a slight fight in a Tiffany & Co. store in Melbourne as he would not buy her a necklace that she insisted she have – so much so that she would pay for half of it… the irony of it is; its the silver version of the T & C necklace that Mr A gave me that HE bought from Melbourne. She made the comment that her man ruined her T&C experience and wanted to know how i got Mr A to get me my necklace? I told her that He just wanted to surprise me and that that’s just the way Mr A is (because he is – in no way did i ask him to buy me anything from T&C). I then went on to mention that it was a lovely necklace and that Susi had one just like it – that I had gotten for her birthday last year. She was not impressed “why didn’t I get something from T&C for my birthday?” I mean really – WHO asks this question? It was right on the tip of my tongue to mention that she in fact did not even remember my birthday this year and that i still have not heard a peep about it! But alas I let it slide and told her that I’ve had a rather intense 12-18mths and that Susi has been a ROCK through it all and that nothing has been too much for her – my bestie deserves MORE than that T&C necklace (i love you Susi – mwah mwah).

Aaah – I guess we’ll see what else she’ll replicate now from me…

While i was away…

My mum came into my office to see me on Friday 30/04/2010 (I left Friday afternoon but had taken the Thursday off to pack and make sure that all things like holiday insurance, etc were sorted!). I spoke to her on the Saturday to tell her that I was away – to NO avail! Upon trying to tell her she cut me off telling me that she did not want to hear anything that would make her have a car accident (as she was in the car). so I didn’t tell her…

The first week went by and I called her on the Wednesday as apparently she had come into my office on the Tuesday to give me my early birthday present. I told that although I was thankful that she had gotten me something, that all I had wanted (as I had previously told her) was for her to finally accept my decision and accept Mr A. She responded with her usual reference to satan (aka Mr A) and not accepting him. I got off the phone to her and told Mr A that I had still not told her –  he called me chicken poo and told me that I needed to call her back and just tell her…

I called a few days later – mother’s day evening (from outside Discovery Mall, Bali) and listened to her tell me about her problems, what she needed and what I must do for her when I come over, about her doctor’s appointment in July, about how no one had come to visit her on mother’s day, etc – I cut her off and told her that I could not talk to her for very long as the call would cost a small fortune from Bali and that I WAS calling to wish her a happy mother’s day.

I then had to hear her go on about how she thought I was going to Jakarta – I told that I had said to her that Mr A and I were intending to go to Indonesia, I never stated which part! She then went on (and on) about how Bali is predominantly not Muslim and why would I go to where there are no Muslims? I told her that there were Muslims everywhere; that a lot of Muslims come to Bali – that in fact she used to live there! She commented that thi was before she went for haj and that I should know better – that who knows what food I was eating. I said to her that I think she forgets that I speak nearly fluent Indonesian and that I know exactly what meat we are eating! I told her AGAIN that I had previously already told her to stop coming into my office as it undermines my professionalism and makes me looks bad. I got off the phone feeling terrible, frustrated and annoyed and wanting to take photos of the many Hijabi’s and Arabs I saw and send copies of them all to my mum.

I heard nothing from her on my second week.

I didn’t call her at all…

I returned (to Aussie-land) on Friday afternoon and did not tell her.

I spent all weekend doing my own thing and was blissfully happy at the fact that I did not have one single missed call from her (I normally have her call me often) – that when my phone did ring I wasn’t all anxious or distraught about the imminent guilt trip my mm would dish out to me.

I returned to work on Monday and discover that my mum (after talking to me and finding out that I was in Bali) had come into my office 2 more times; one of which was on Thursday to find out when I was coming back – the guy on reception did not know and told her that he was not sure when I was returning.

The irony is that on Sunday Mr A and I sat on the sofa watching a DVD with him telling me that maybe I should visit my mum – tell her that I’ve come back and that I’m ok. The shocking thing is that even after being away from her and not going to see her since January (aside from the times she has seen in my office) I don’t want to see her. I am not angry with her, not at all. I am just tired of it all… SO beyond tired of the repetitive crap that she keeps giving me; the same comments, the same tears and the same emotional intensity that makes me want to move across the country/change jobs/change my number, etc.

But even in saying/writing the above paragraph there is another part of me that wonders why I haven’t heard from her in about a week. A part of me that says a prayer for her hoping that she is ok and hoping that Allah opens her heart to accepting me as I am and the decisions that I have made. And then there is this part of me that wants to call her – not to have a conversation with her as I know that that is unlikely but rather just to hear her voice (sans lamentations) just to know that she’s ok.

But THEN I am overcome with curiosity and against my better judgement I read the birthday card she gave me. Why do I bother? Sentences not particularly worth mentioning include:

“So sad that someone forgot my birthday last time or not ring me – maybe not allowed to send me anything – I know Satan is very strong in your place”

Numerous references to about me and “latnatallah” (it’s a muslim thing that I cannot really explain)

“what you are doing is a big sin and Allah will teach you a lesson”

Comments about how she will be patient and wait for me to come home as God loves those that are patient

That she is my real mother and cannot believe that I am doing this and why won’t I just come home?

Mum had also included some story about how some friend of mine (when I was 14; she was 17 and had a car) took me out and we went to Fremantle and to the beach and that when we came back home late she was really angry/upset and told me that I was not allowed to talk to her anymore and how now look at her life? How she is still single (as far as mum knows) and that she cannot be happy as she lives away from parents etc.

Really – why do I bother? What else can I do to make this stop? I am really beginning to get tired of this; I am beyond frustrated of all of this… I don’t know what else to do – worst yet is that I am baffled by how she seems to still have this way of getting to me? of making me question what I am doing… and with each word that I read and morosely re-read I feel numb, more empty and more resolute at my not wanting to see her. I just want to keep walking; I want to move – I want her to move.

I tried… whilst I was away I told her that we were thinking of coming back to Indonesia in January; that she could go to Jakarta if she liked… she said that she wanted to go to Jakarta in January as long as I went with her… I told her that if she went then that we would visit her – she said she didn’t care about anyone else and that she just wanted to go with me.

No electricity due to storm…

You have NO idea how frustrated i am by the fact that since 4:20pm YESTERDAY we have had NO power at our place! None…. Because of storms that hit Perth yesterday afternoon… So everything in our freezer is gone, our fridge has had to be cleaned out…

But when i called Western Power do you think they have any idea as to when this will be resolved? NO.

I look on the website and it informs me “estimated time unknown” gee – thanks for the f%*ken ‘information’!

I am presently on hold with them – for the last 14 minutes and 49 seconds… Waiting to talk to their customer service agents!!

And there people is my little rant!

UPDATE: I am very grateful that my car is fine (alhumdulillah) as many cars were left with ‘dings’ on their bodies due to the golfball size hail! i have some pics at the office of the madness so i will have to put them up soon so you can see that ‘stormy’ doesn’t even cover the havoc!). Our electricity returned after 2 nights…

There’s NOTHING to smile about Passport Photos!

Why oh why MUST passport photos make us look terrrrrrrriiibbbllle??? Clearly it must be some international convention that legislates that regardless of how much i prep for my photo’s to NOT look terrible it is inevitable that they will!

I know it sounds vain but i just want it to look like me!

I’m not saying that i’m stunning or anything but i KNOW that i am NOT as bad as these passport photos are! And WHY are we Australian passport holders now NOT allowed to smile in our passport pictures? WHY? are we trying to show other nationalities that being Australian is a serious thing? that all of us are serious people and are unable to smile? By not smiling aren’t we then somehow telling others/customs officers that there is nothing worth smiling about here in Australia?? Needless to say i am beginning to wonder if it is a ploicy introduced to ensure that all Australians either look like terrorists or criminals or ensures beyond any doubt that you don’t look half decent! I mean on a personal level i ALREADY seem suspect: what with having a last name that starts with “Al-” which pretty much emblazons my ethnicity – not to mention that that clearly has ‘Muslim’ written all over it; i mean at LEAST let me smile???

Why… Why must passport photos make us look bad?

Have any of you either have particularly bad passport photos? Ease my pain people… OR on the other end of the spectrum do you have any tricks to ensure a half decent passport pics?

Here we go… AGAIN

On Sunday night I got a message from a lady (a family friend/ “aunty” in Saudi) asking for my mum’s new mobile number. Although I did wonder how this ‘aunty’ had my number I sent my salaam back to her and her family and gave her my mum’s mobile number.

I happen to speak to my mum the following day and asked if she got a
call from this lady – she told me she had. I asked how this aunty managed to have my number; apparently she had been talking to Mr M’s mum (who also is in Saudi) and was saying how she didn’t my mum’s mobile number. Mr M’s mum said that she hadn’t realised my mum’s number had changed but that she had MY number (being that I was with her son and all… lets not even begin to remember how that worked out and what he was like!). I pretty much thought that that was that… Easy!


Monday evening I get the following SMS from a Saudi number:
“Salam alaikum – my name is *Khalil; my mom and ure mom are close friends. I want to be ure friend…. And we can chat at Yahoo or Hotmail sometime if you don’t mind J this is my email and”

So I read the sms and thought maybe just maybe this is some 14 year old desperate for a mate and seriously just wants to be my friend! Aren’t I the ETERNAL optimist? Only for one second did the thought cross my mind that my mum would be up to her scheming… I thought SURELY on the grounds that I don’t see her at the moment that she would NOT want to jeopardise what insanely fragile ‘relationship’ we have left…

However in saying that I did not reply to his message – why? I don’t know – perhaps I just didn’t want to have more proof that my mum is incorrigible or that I am fighting a loosing battle… or maybe I just felt that I had enough friends? Who knows – either way I left it with no reply and thought “eh – whatever”

Then yesterday as I am bridesmaid shopping with Susi I get a message from the same Saudi number:
“Hi; Sorry but I have to explain; well I am an overseas student who has come home to KSA and will go back soon. When I came here I heard about a mom’s wish for a daughter a muslim man and she saw my pics. I have my life anyways and don’t care about someone I never met before. I tried that maybe we could be friends, that’s it. To know you is all. I respect ure mom’s wishes and my mom wishes and you have to respect my message and never run from answer cuz I am trying to do good thing in my life make moms happy listening to them. I know I will be happy knowing my mom happy. I am not in a hurry I need time and also need some respect cuz I am not sending this message to a wall, a human is here. Khalil; remember this name”

What the? I was baffled – why on earth do I even bother to be positive? In fact, how on earth am I NOT a cynical, broken and angry woman by this INTENSE need for someone who shall remain nameless intent on controlling my life??? And this guy? What the heck is with his “remember this name”? Or his tickets on himself… gee, clearly this guy has never had to wait for an SMS before! I stood there in Hob Nob (store) baffled and angered and so BEYOND sad… I was literally irate of the predicament I was put in.

So I wrote back:
“I am very sorry Khalil, I had not replied because I have been busy with work and planning my wedding reception to a very nice Muslim man here in Australia. The situation with my mum is complicated to explain but I do my best to make her happy but nothing is enough – you don’t know her and I don’t know what else I can tell you. I wish you all the best and inshallah everything works out. I am sorry if my mum gave you the wrong impression”

I then got ANOTHER reply from him quite promptly after:
“no no, don’t be sorry about moms; they know what we will never know. if you gave your mom ure mom all ure life it is not enough. You don’t have to explain if he is good or bad – why you say this to me? u think ure mum says he is bad? don’t talk about ure mom to anybody, its not good. One day you will have children and you don’t want to hear them say the same thing about you. Take care; wish u the best”

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah…. that’s akll I heard – amongst the brightest shade of red and the largest feeling of wanting to move to a part of the world that my mum and phone lines cannot find me I was furious… this guy is preaching to me like he has a friggin CLUE about me, my situation and my mother… I seriously thought about leaving it there – about not replying. About calling my mum and literally crying to her over the phone as I cannot understand why she feels this need to totally annihilate any atom of responsibility I have to keep in touch with her… I do NOT know what to do anymore??? I NEED to get FURTHER away!

And this guy?! Well its bloody easy for him isn’t it? he is working on
the theory that a parents role is to support and provide for their children; that a child’s role is to obey and listen. That a son’s role is to look after his parents in their old age (with their moolah $$$) and that a woman should just be quiet and do as she’s told plus be the ones who actually care for the parents non financial needs and thier husbands and their children and their in-laws… Well my dear “friend” Khalil let me make things clear; that when a line is blurred it is blurred completely – I was raised to be the girl who has an opinion in everything and NOW I am meant to shut up and ‘suck it up?’ my mum raised me and I love her but i was THE MAN in that household AND the nuturing mother! I was the husband who got shit done, called, paid, bought, drove and looked after… and she’s not old and fragile – she is a SMART woman. I know this because she is my mum and I DO know her!

So I left it a few hours and then my itchy fingers got the better of me: “I love and respect my mum more than you will ever realise. BUT we all have a right to make choices. A child must respect and care for their parents but a parent must also try to listen and understand their child.
Especially when their child is an adult. Please do not misunderstand me – I am sure we all have the best intentions but it is easier for you…. BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN!

Thankfully I did not get a reply back from him… oh, his name wasn’t Khalil by the way and that’s not his real email address. I thought I would be nice and not give his real name but I must admit that I am STILL irate and frustrated by this WHOLE situation and have decided that I cannot be bothered ‘safeguarding’ those who clearly have no sense of respect for my feelings or thoughts – the guys name is Khalid… I am SERIOUSLY tempted to put his actual email on here and see what happens!

Aren’t i chipper today?

Sorry to keep focusing on my mum of late but the last 24 hours have been more of the same (comparitive to my most recent blog post!).

Yesterday morning when i got out of the shower i see i had a missed call from her – i try to call her back; no answer

I then try again when i am off to meet a friend of mine for cofee (and cake – lets be honest here… cake was involved!) – still no answer. Then when i am waiting to go to the ladies i get a missed call from her… well i am NOT going to answer that – so i call her after i wash my hands and am well and truly outta there – my call gets rejected!

i tried again 3-ish minutes later – rejected! And again – rejected! well – that had me stumped and slightly annoyed frustrated. Still, not one to be discouraged i decide to send her a text (she can’t read sms’s but i know that she will find someone who will help her to  access and read it) telling her that i am trying to call her but will try again inshallah that night.

I try early on that evening to no avail – then ALL thru the night when i am MORE than tired – i am almost comatose; i get 6 missed calls from her. Now, in most cases i am a rather chipper person; i am a morning person, i am upbeat even in the face of impending doom… BUT there is a flaw… i DO NOT LIKE TO BE AWOKEN FROM SLUMBER! Thankfully i am a rather heavy sleeper BUT if you happen to wake me from my wonderful slumber and it is NOT to tell me that my house is on fire OR that we have somehe won the lotto (which i will be VERY surprised considering i don’t play it!) i will NOT be chipper! Anyway; i decided to not answer the calls – a wise move based on what fragile and impotent relationship i currently have with my mum.

And so at 8am i call her whilst Mr A takes me to work and wonder what all the fuss was about –

Aparently nothing – i will admit that i started to zone out when she was talking about some Fatimah woman (who i made sure i didn’t know) as well as the other women she talked about (again, ladies i do not know). I paid a little more attention when she started crying but soon realised that she was just being (overly) emotional – gosh i sound like a man now don’t i? But seriously – how on earth can one woman cry SO much over nothing? And then she tells me that she has the flu… apparently each time i speak to her she has some form of the flu or a cold… i am almost at the point of saying: “mum; a flu that has continued since Augest is NOT normal – go see a doctor!” But i can’t mention it – i tried once and she said that she was always sick because of me – because i don’t care and will not make her happy!

And there you have it folks – i have ranted yet again… ugh – i promise that the next post will be more uplifting… inshallah!

Mum’s trip = my holiday

I’ve planned mum’s trip and told her the details… and gotten into an argument with her about what I will be doing whilst she is away.

Apparently I am not meant to do anything that will kill her; when I asked her to explain what she was talking about she said that I am not stupid and that I know what would kill her.

Then in the same conversation she tells me about this lady she had made friends with who apparently has a good looking son and that this lady thought my photo looked lovely and that they should set us up… what the??? I told mum that I was not interested in getting ‘set up’ as I already have a fiancé and that I didn’t remember reading that women were allowed to have 4 husbands (otherwise I would be more than happy to oblige her!). Well – as you can imagine that little joke went down like a lead balloon!

I told mum that whatever decision I was making and intended to make in the very not too distant future that I hope to do so before Ramadan and that contrary to her belief she was not dying (although in saying that aren’t we all essentially dying?) and that she would not be having a heart attack.

I told her that her going overseas was NOT me wanting to do ‘stuff’ behind her back but rather that I was tired of her going on (and on and on and on and on and ON) about being lonely and that she had no-one and that the house was scary because it was quiet and that she would die alone because I wasn’t there, that when I was growing p she never left me alone and now she could not believe what I was doing, etc. so that essentially sending her OS worked on numerous levels:

A) She won’t be alone (as there will always be someone at my uncles place; he has 4 young children + his wife, my aunt is currently there; my cousin and his 6 kids + wife are coming to visit from Doha (Qatar) and that failing all those people there is the maid)

B) She will be insanely close to the mosque so she can come and go as she pleases

C) She will be close to her friends and family

D) She will be far enough away from me that I will actually miss her enough to want to look after her and make sure she’s ok

E) I will not have her giving me 15 missed calls to tell me something really ‘important’ when really it’s not that important as clearly I was not in a car accident that you saw in the news because the accident happened at 12.30pm and I would have been at work (the other details included that the accident happened over east and I am in Western Australia and that none of the cars involved were red or my make/model type!)

F) That I will not feel guilty during the month of Ramadan that my mum will be having sahur (eating before sunrise) and footoor (opening fast just after sunset) by herself as I must admit that when I think about it I do feel terrible about that!

G) When Eid rolls around I will be comfortable in going to the mosque with Mr A as apparently my mum did not want him to come with us (although now she is taking it back saying that she said no such thing and that if Mr A wanted to go to the mosque he has a car to drive himself and that why would he be going to the same mosque as both of us when there are other mosques available to him?).

Hmm – I wonder what she’ll be thinking/saying/screaming/crying when I tell her about me heading off to Melbourne?

Wednesday Dinner

So normally since I’ve moved out from mum’s place I will go to her house for dinner on the Wednesday. On this night I will be forced to eat til busting capacity, contend with menial tasks that my mum has saved for me to do (which I admit in the grand scheme of things I seriously cannot be bothered with), have to hear consistent lamentations about a distinct constant ‘lack’ of money coupled with the ever mounting bills along with how much I am being “driven” away from her by ‘that man’.

Last night when I was dealing with the chaotic mayhem involved with dark, rainy and windy rain + peak hour traffic + the maddening inability people seem to have to merge lanes properly I was on the phone with mum (with my hands-free of course). So there I was; up until that call all calm and serene, happy with the fact that I was going to have a gloriously cooked dinner at Mr A’s place (his mum slow cooked lamb shanks – yum) then go to the movies to watch The Year One movie (starring Jack Black). So I’m on the phone to mum asking her how her day went and I must admit that I cannot remember the whole conversation but I began to get pained, frustrated by what she was saying; even more so that I have been silenced into not responding to her ‘claims’ – I looked at the silver Toyota Kluger in front of me and for some morose sickening reason I desperately felt an overwhelming urge to drive into it… fast… HARD!

I was listening to what she was saying; how when I tried to interject how she had misinterpreted things I was told to listen to what she had to say – that she didn’t want to argue with me but that I was being driven away from her by Mr A; that he had made me leave her and that I was being taken away from her.

Ugh – there was a few other things but with each word was getting more and more frustrated at the futility of this all – they way my mum will not talk to family members about my engagement as its “none of their business” but tis more than happy to rain hail guilt at me but if I attempt to respond I made to feel like a worse daughter than I already am.

I told her ‘goodnight’ – I said to her that I was busy (I was – I was driving). I wasn’t going to talk to someone who doesn’t let me talk at all (and then when I do talk refuses to listen) and that I was tired of going over the same old ground without making any progress.

I got off the phone feeling TIRED. And ANNOYED… with myself for letting her get to me! for allowing her behaviour to make me feel tired and drained and frustrated and terrible and making me feel like I did want to drive over the narrows bridge.

But I didn’t (obviously).

ALL night I felt like I seriously would rather do anything else instead of having dinner/go see mum the following night (Wednesday/tonight). the missed calls from her at 8pm, then 10.30pm and then again at 1.45am and 4.45am did nothing to quell my feelings. I woke up this morning and although the feeling had slightly subsided (so that thoughts of driving off a bridge were no longer at the forefront of my mind) the thought of spending Wednesday night with my mum filled me with a heavy sigh…

Then I went to work and got a missed from her… and another missed call. I called her back;

It was about a water bill – why were they sending her a letter? What is it about? Let me read it to you so you can call them and fix it. I cannot do this – I have too many bills. My phone bill too high. I am stressed.

Yep – because I have no bills, and I am totally stress free. And why don’t you sit down and relax and then read the letter? Why do you assume the worst? Maybe if you stopped calling overseas so much then your phone bill wouldn’t be so high? Umm – do you know that this is not categorically thought of as an emergency and therefore does not warrant you calling me at work…

*HUGE deep sigh* So I take the number for the water corp. and her reference number and sort it out… for her and tell her I’ll call her back. And I discover that she did not pay the bill and that it’s a notice as it’s a bit late.

Yet another thing for me to do.

Yet another thing that she will not be thankful for because it will be assumed that doing these things are my responsibilities. That I am here to fix and pay for this stuff and that heaven help me if I bring it up to her that essentially she’s the parent and it is her responsibility but to her its not because she gave birth to me and that therefore everything that happens since that and her raising me is what I should be doing (sorry; I’m ranting).

So I call her and tell her that I am not coming tonight for dinner because I am not the happiest person to be around at the moment; that I am tired of the way she assumes the worst about Mr A (when really a major factor I keep trying to reconcile with her is because Mr A tells me to because if I had my way I’d have lied and told her I’ve moved to the UK or something) and that although she says she won’t mentions anything I am still tired of it all and that I will call her later on that night… oh AND that I’ll be paying this bill (too) along with the insurance for the house I don’t reside in anymore.

Then 2 hours later she calls me… and calls again.

So I call her back as it could be an emergency – but its not. its her telling me that she’s stuck in front of the supermarket as she decided to walk there and that now its pelting down with rain and that she was calling me to tell me not that she expected me to pick her up. And when I tell her that I wouldn’t be able to pick her up anyway (because I’m at work) she said that she knew that and that she was just telling me because she was all alone and that it was wet. *sigh*

And even as I write this I see one missed call that I just got from her…

And even though I am filled with this feeling that knows that going to see her tonight is a terrible idea based on my mood I still feel like I am a terrible shit of a daughter who is killing her mother.

Guilt is a strange creature…

Guilt is sadly my shadow…

Previous Older Entries