When is enough enough?

So I think this afternoon is it – mum has been back since Sunday and although I haven’t seen her since then I have gotten to the point where I have no idea where else to go to from here.

I drove home from mum’s place and had to have a little stop off at the end of a (and dark) quiet cul-de-sac so I could have a little cry. I don’t even really know how to explain it all – maybe its because I haven’t had to deal with her antics for the last 4 and a bit months, or maybe its because I am PMSing or perhaps its just I have gotten to the end of my tether… but I don’t think I can talk to her anymore.

It just seems so selfish – that I am meant to do things for her, take her to appointments, fill out forms for her, buy things for her, run errands for her and essentially be the husband… AS LONG AS I DON’T talk about what’s happening in my life. Its not even a case where I just don’t mention Mr A; its knowing that I get judged for everything; knowing that everything I could say will be under such intense scrutiny that I just don’t say anything at all… so that at the end of the day our conversations revolve around her and I am baffled that she doesn’t even seem to ask about what is happening in my life?

It’s mum’s birthday on new years eve and Mr A and I discussed that it was seriously about time she acknowledged that we – the 3 of us were a family. And that maybe we could all go out to dinner at a place my mum would like… The Prophet in Victoria Park. Now if I had my way I would just turn up on the evening of said birthday dinner with Mr A in tow and pick up mum and see if there are any explosions and then go from there. But Mr A thought that that wasn’t fair – that I should tell my mum what we are doing.

So today my mum called me and told me that I had to come over before Zumba class and fill in some forms for her. She didn’t ask – she just told me that they needed to be returned tomorrow so she would need to be there sometime tonight. Anyway; since I had her on the phone and I was remembering that I seriously needed to book a table I mentioned her birthday:

Me: Since I have you on the phone mum, I want to talk to you about dinner for your birthday? The 2 of us were thinking we could go to The Prophet? Just the 3 of us?

Mum: I am not talking to you bout this anymore – remember when you talk his name to me at your Aunty’s house? You know I feel down then; because you talk about him I fall down. I don’t want to go anywhere with anyone I’m not agree with. I don’t want to talk about anyone I’m not agreeing with.

Me: You can’t be like this all the time mum – this is mad! We’re a family!

Mum: no – only 2 people in this family; me and you!

Me: mum, I know that me and you are a family; but now he’s part of my family – so he’s part of your family.

Mum: no – we talk abut this when you come fill in the form for me.

Me: fine – and we WILL talk about it mum. I am tired of the way you are acting about this and if you want to be like this after tonight – after we talk about this; then after I fill in the forms I’m not going to talk to you or see you for awhile. I can’t keep doing this mum, I’m serious here.

And that’s it… I guess we’ll see what happens then. But I will say that I mean every word of it… I just don’t see any other option… the irony is the reason that I kept holding onto for SO long was because Mr A kept telling me to go back, keeps telling me to call her, keeps telling me to try again… ironic isn’t it? That she can’t STAND the thought of hearing his name and yet he is the very reason why I keep some pretence of communication with her!

PS> I do NOT think my mum fell based on hearing me mention Mr A’s name – if she had I am certain my aunt would have called to see what on earth I had said to her!

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Stop calling me… so much!

Why does my mum insist on calling me at a time she KNOWS that I will not be answering!

Case in point: the other night she called me at the following intervals;

12.45 am

2.28 am

3.45 am

6.00 am

Most normal people would be sleeping… I am sleeping! Even if she had called me around morning prayers time I am not going to answer because what I will do post prayer is go back to sleep!

I asked her the following day about her ‘logic’ about calling me at these times; her answer?

“I wanted you to know that I was awake…I not expect you to answer; just so you know the next morning” 

???????

Because clearly if you call someone you REALLY don’t want them to answer – yep; that is totally logical!

Last night I got a call from her at 2.30am!!!

I mean seriously!

I tried to give her a dose of her own medicine: when my mum has finished praying the sunset prayer she will normally read Quran for about an hour or so and make dua. Anyway during this time she will not take any calls and will grumble bitterly (afterwards) if I had taken a call whilst she is reading Quran. If I answer her phone because someone has called her she will then go on about the fact that clearly this person (on the other end of the phone) either isn’t Muslim or has no concept of the importance of sunset prayer.

So last night when I called her (after receiving 4 missed calls in the early morning + 6 other missed calls between 8.30 and 9.45am) about 15 minutes after sunset prayers… then again before I got into the shower (about 10 minutes later) and then when I finished my shower, once I was dressed; whilst putting away my clothes and while taking off my contact lenses! Then I left it 2 hours and called her back (while I was away for those 2 hours I had 9 missed calls from her!).

She was upset:

Mum: Why you call me (*whiney*) when you know I am reading al Quran? You just keep ringing and ringing and ringing – not care that I am busy!

Me: Because you always call me again and again until I answer – maybe I am busy at that time??? You call me at a terrible time in the early morning when you know I am asleep and then when I have my phone off you tell me what would happen if something had happened to you!

Mum: I call you because I miss you – because you are my daughter.

I can’t remember the rest of the conversation but I do know that it was a very short conversation because I refused to continue a fight with her and so I told her goodnight and that I would call her the next day. 

BTW: I have received 3 missed calls already from her… its only 2.27pm…

Joy!

Mum’s trip = my holiday

I’ve planned mum’s trip and told her the details… and gotten into an argument with her about what I will be doing whilst she is away.

Apparently I am not meant to do anything that will kill her; when I asked her to explain what she was talking about she said that I am not stupid and that I know what would kill her.

Then in the same conversation she tells me about this lady she had made friends with who apparently has a good looking son and that this lady thought my photo looked lovely and that they should set us up… what the??? I told mum that I was not interested in getting ‘set up’ as I already have a fiancé and that I didn’t remember reading that women were allowed to have 4 husbands (otherwise I would be more than happy to oblige her!). Well – as you can imagine that little joke went down like a lead balloon!

I told mum that whatever decision I was making and intended to make in the very not too distant future that I hope to do so before Ramadan and that contrary to her belief she was not dying (although in saying that aren’t we all essentially dying?) and that she would not be having a heart attack.

I told her that her going overseas was NOT me wanting to do ‘stuff’ behind her back but rather that I was tired of her going on (and on and on and on and on and ON) about being lonely and that she had no-one and that the house was scary because it was quiet and that she would die alone because I wasn’t there, that when I was growing p she never left me alone and now she could not believe what I was doing, etc. so that essentially sending her OS worked on numerous levels:

A) She won’t be alone (as there will always be someone at my uncles place; he has 4 young children + his wife, my aunt is currently there; my cousin and his 6 kids + wife are coming to visit from Doha (Qatar) and that failing all those people there is the maid)

B) She will be insanely close to the mosque so she can come and go as she pleases

C) She will be close to her friends and family

D) She will be far enough away from me that I will actually miss her enough to want to look after her and make sure she’s ok

E) I will not have her giving me 15 missed calls to tell me something really ‘important’ when really it’s not that important as clearly I was not in a car accident that you saw in the news because the accident happened at 12.30pm and I would have been at work (the other details included that the accident happened over east and I am in Western Australia and that none of the cars involved were red or my make/model type!)

F) That I will not feel guilty during the month of Ramadan that my mum will be having sahur (eating before sunrise) and footoor (opening fast just after sunset) by herself as I must admit that when I think about it I do feel terrible about that!

G) When Eid rolls around I will be comfortable in going to the mosque with Mr A as apparently my mum did not want him to come with us (although now she is taking it back saying that she said no such thing and that if Mr A wanted to go to the mosque he has a car to drive himself and that why would he be going to the same mosque as both of us when there are other mosques available to him?).

Hmm – I wonder what she’ll be thinking/saying/screaming/crying when I tell her about me heading off to Melbourne?

Thankful

I am sometimes reminded how lucky I am to have Mr A in my life.

I am sometimes reminded how much I may want to slap him across the head for his idiocy sometimes or throw something at him… and then he’ll do something sweet and I will be left baffled, awed and amazed by him!

So what happened you ask?

Last night I’m having dinner with Mr A and his family – we finish dinner with Mr A saying that he’ll clean up (because his mum cooked). I am standing there helping him clear away the dishes when he tells me to sit down and relax and watch some TV.

I normally give my mum a call at about 6ish; letting her know that I’ve finished work, having a chat with her about her day, etc. On a Monday and Thursday my mum is fasting so I will generally call her at 8pm (so she can eat in peace and enjoy her food). So last night I called her at 6pm and her phone went straight to voicemail; which is seriously odd for my mum as she never turns off her phone. I try again every few minutes then again after dinner and then again just before 8pm. Each time I am becoming slightly more anxious (but totally trying to hide it) and each time all I get is her voicemail which tells me that the phone isn’t even on.

I go to see Mr A in the kitchen who is clanging pots and pans as apparently he’s had a little ‘disagreement’ with his mum (I swear those 2 are so similar they are always butting heads!) and is mumbling stuff under his breath – he looks over to me and even though I am pretending everything is totally fine and I am so not worried he takes one look at the smile on my face, looks me in the eyes and says; “what’s wrong?”

Me: nothing.

Mr A: crap! Just tell me what’s wrong…

Me: nothing – I just tried to call mum for the last 2 hours and I can’t get through – its like her phone isn’t even on. It just goes to voicemail.

Mr A:  maybe she switched it off?

Me: she doesn’t know how to; it’s a new phone and she normally never has her phone off.

Mr A: …. Ok (* putting down tea towel as he was drying dishes*); pop your shoes on – lets go.

Me: what? Where?

Mr A: We’ll go for a drive and see if she’s ok; come on.

At this point I am telling him not to worry, that I’m sure she’s fine (although inside I am hoping that she’s fine – it doesn’t help that a week ago my mum was telling me that if she were to pass out or fall in the house no one would know that she would be bleeding to death with no one to help her… I know – melodramatic much?). Mr A is telling me that he is 99.95% sure my mum is totally ok and that there is some logical reason but that he’d rather I would definitely know that be wondering the rest of the evening. So we get into the car and drive over to mums – it’s a 25 minute drive (its not far but it’s not exactly down the road!).

I get to the house and the lights are off; I walk in and she’s not there – I look around the whole house and her handbag’s gone, her mobiles not there and there is a cooked meal on the stove that is cooling (its still warm to touch), her car is there (she doesn’t like to drive at night) and all seems in order – so I leave a note asking mum to call as soon as she gets it. Mr A tells me to see if the house keys are there; they’re not. At this point I’m pretty happy that mum is ok and probably sleeping at a friends house – we drive back; Mr A telling me that I should go to her friends house because at least I would definitely know one way or the other…

So we’re now on the way to her friend’s house (Mr A is telling me that I should get their mobile number in case this sort of thing happens again) – we are less than 2 minutes away when my mum calls!

Me: where are you? I’ve been trying to call you!

Mum: I’m at Dina’s house; I came here after afternoon prayer and didn’t realize that it was already dark and she asked me to stay over…

Me: but I normally call you at 6; didn’t you wonder where I was?

Mum: yes – but then something happen to my phone; maybe battery finished… and I didn’t know what to do.

Me: well you’re phone is working now?

Mum: because Dina’s mum has a Nokia also…

Me: ok… well, me and Mr A drove all the way to the house to see if you were ok.. .he told me that I should check up on you and make sure… I left a note on the kitchen table.

Mum: you came to the house – did Mr A come inside the house?

Me: oh my god – surely that doesn’t matter? Who cares; he knew that I would be worried about you and wanted to come just in case.

Mum: so he didn’t come into house right?

Me: look, you’re ok Alhumdullilah; have a good night and I will see you tomorrow for dinner after work; goodnight, I love you

Mum: I always love you

*I hang up*

Mr A: you looked like you were about to cry talking to her – is she ok?

Me: yeah – I’m ok… she’s ok…

Mr A: what did she sau when you said that I drove you over to check up on her?

Me: nothing – I think she was just surprised that we came over…

I mean what am I meant to say? That she was more curious as to whether I let a man into the house? I know even know why she would care if he was or wasn’t in the house… I mean really… where do I go with this?

*sigh*

I really need to get her overseas so it is one less thing for me to worry about!

Wednesday Dinner

So normally since I’ve moved out from mum’s place I will go to her house for dinner on the Wednesday. On this night I will be forced to eat til busting capacity, contend with menial tasks that my mum has saved for me to do (which I admit in the grand scheme of things I seriously cannot be bothered with), have to hear consistent lamentations about a distinct constant ‘lack’ of money coupled with the ever mounting bills along with how much I am being “driven” away from her by ‘that man’.

Last night when I was dealing with the chaotic mayhem involved with dark, rainy and windy rain + peak hour traffic + the maddening inability people seem to have to merge lanes properly I was on the phone with mum (with my hands-free of course). So there I was; up until that call all calm and serene, happy with the fact that I was going to have a gloriously cooked dinner at Mr A’s place (his mum slow cooked lamb shanks – yum) then go to the movies to watch The Year One movie (starring Jack Black). So I’m on the phone to mum asking her how her day went and I must admit that I cannot remember the whole conversation but I began to get pained, frustrated by what she was saying; even more so that I have been silenced into not responding to her ‘claims’ – I looked at the silver Toyota Kluger in front of me and for some morose sickening reason I desperately felt an overwhelming urge to drive into it… fast… HARD!

I was listening to what she was saying; how when I tried to interject how she had misinterpreted things I was told to listen to what she had to say – that she didn’t want to argue with me but that I was being driven away from her by Mr A; that he had made me leave her and that I was being taken away from her.

Ugh – there was a few other things but with each word was getting more and more frustrated at the futility of this all – they way my mum will not talk to family members about my engagement as its “none of their business” but tis more than happy to rain hail guilt at me but if I attempt to respond I made to feel like a worse daughter than I already am.

I told her ‘goodnight’ – I said to her that I was busy (I was – I was driving). I wasn’t going to talk to someone who doesn’t let me talk at all (and then when I do talk refuses to listen) and that I was tired of going over the same old ground without making any progress.

I got off the phone feeling TIRED. And ANNOYED… with myself for letting her get to me! for allowing her behaviour to make me feel tired and drained and frustrated and terrible and making me feel like I did want to drive over the narrows bridge.

But I didn’t (obviously).

ALL night I felt like I seriously would rather do anything else instead of having dinner/go see mum the following night (Wednesday/tonight). the missed calls from her at 8pm, then 10.30pm and then again at 1.45am and 4.45am did nothing to quell my feelings. I woke up this morning and although the feeling had slightly subsided (so that thoughts of driving off a bridge were no longer at the forefront of my mind) the thought of spending Wednesday night with my mum filled me with a heavy sigh…

Then I went to work and got a missed from her… and another missed call. I called her back;

It was about a water bill – why were they sending her a letter? What is it about? Let me read it to you so you can call them and fix it. I cannot do this – I have too many bills. My phone bill too high. I am stressed.

Yep – because I have no bills, and I am totally stress free. And why don’t you sit down and relax and then read the letter? Why do you assume the worst? Maybe if you stopped calling overseas so much then your phone bill wouldn’t be so high? Umm – do you know that this is not categorically thought of as an emergency and therefore does not warrant you calling me at work…

*HUGE deep sigh* So I take the number for the water corp. and her reference number and sort it out… for her and tell her I’ll call her back. And I discover that she did not pay the bill and that it’s a notice as it’s a bit late.

Yet another thing for me to do.

Yet another thing that she will not be thankful for because it will be assumed that doing these things are my responsibilities. That I am here to fix and pay for this stuff and that heaven help me if I bring it up to her that essentially she’s the parent and it is her responsibility but to her its not because she gave birth to me and that therefore everything that happens since that and her raising me is what I should be doing (sorry; I’m ranting).

So I call her and tell her that I am not coming tonight for dinner because I am not the happiest person to be around at the moment; that I am tired of the way she assumes the worst about Mr A (when really a major factor I keep trying to reconcile with her is because Mr A tells me to because if I had my way I’d have lied and told her I’ve moved to the UK or something) and that although she says she won’t mentions anything I am still tired of it all and that I will call her later on that night… oh AND that I’ll be paying this bill (too) along with the insurance for the house I don’t reside in anymore.

Then 2 hours later she calls me… and calls again.

So I call her back as it could be an emergency – but its not. its her telling me that she’s stuck in front of the supermarket as she decided to walk there and that now its pelting down with rain and that she was calling me to tell me not that she expected me to pick her up. And when I tell her that I wouldn’t be able to pick her up anyway (because I’m at work) she said that she knew that and that she was just telling me because she was all alone and that it was wet. *sigh*

And even as I write this I see one missed call that I just got from her…

And even though I am filled with this feeling that knows that going to see her tonight is a terrible idea based on my mood I still feel like I am a terrible shit of a daughter who is killing her mother.

Guilt is a strange creature…

Guilt is sadly my shadow…

My New Wii…

Hehehe – I am very much into my new Wii at the moment!

We got it on Sunday and I am hoping that I will be able to maintain an almost everyday ‘attendance’. I think that the only day that I will not be able to use it will be on the Wednesday night as this is generally the night I go for dinner at mum’s place!

Quick mum update: my mum’s aunt died the other night; she was in her very late 80’s (posibly early to mid 90’s – i’m not too sure). Anyway, mum is obviously a little more than upset about it and was all crying about it last night; saying that we never know when we might die (very true) and that every minute counts (true also) and that this is why you should always do what your mother asks and that at least this lil old lady passed on with all her children & grandchildren nearby. I told her that she had led a long life and that i remember her always being happy… that it was a beautiful thing that all her children were nearby; but that this is why people shouldn’t hold grunges and accept the choices their adult children make and be happy that they are happy and love. i was pretty much told to ‘be quiet’ at that point because her crying got more intense where she said that she wasn’t telling me this because she wanted to start a fight with me. Ugh!!! *Hands thrown in the air from the whole frustration of it all!* Anyway; I’m digressing – after she heard the news and was all upset about it she then proceeded to call my (actual) aunt where they both exchanged condolences etc. She (my aunt) then asked how I was doing and that my mum should talk to me about it so we could pray together. My mum then advised that I wasn’t there anymore and that I had just left her alone. I asked mum if she had told my aunt why I wasn’t there but apparently she (my mum) didn’t think that that was important! Ugh – one more person whom my mum has made me out to be an ungrateful, disrespecting daughter! The only odd thing that I can think of is that I am surprised that said aunt hasn’t called or messaged me to ask what’s going on??? Very strange indeed… I wonder if deep down they know that my mum is more than highly strung and can be a touch of a handful????

So back to my Wii Fit – I must say that I am a little surprised at how good it actually is and how tired a felt after the hoola hoping exercise!!! I even managed to unlock a new aerobic exercise and a new yoga move! I am very into the yoga actually – Mr A is a little annoyed that I am quite a bit better at the yoga than he is and that my posture and my centre of gravity is pretty much spot on…. its so funny to watch because he throws a little ‘tanty’ (tantrum) and gets all ‘fired up’ that I might actually be better at something than him… hmm – competitive a touch??? I tried to explain how all those years of dance I did has attributed to my good posture and my centre of gravity but he would not hear of it – claiming that since he goes to the gym every other day that he should be getting higher scores at all exercises (comparative to me).

It’s actually rather funny to watch – you should have seen him doing the hoola-hooping yesterday… when I did it he was like “oh; that’s so easy – you need to swing your hips more… hips, sweetie… SWING MORE!!!” while I was swinging (as though my life depended on it) wanting to seriously clobber him…

You should have seen him when he got on! I gave him more grief when he wasn’t ‘extending’ himself properly… hehe – he was less than impressed! He can clearly dish it out but receiving it is a whole other matter!

The back story about the “aunty”

Remember how I mentioned about an aunty that called me in Meddling ‘Aunties’? Well I asked my mum about it the other night:

Me: Mum did get Aunty XX to call me?

Mum: Oh – did she call? I did not ask her to – what did she say?

Me: Um… I didn’t say I spoke to her… I just said that she called. She left a message on my voicemail asking me to call her or come over and have a chat because YYY (her daughter) wanted to talk to me.

Mum: Maybe her daughter does want to talk to you?

Me: I think not mum – she has my number if she really wants to talk to me… what did you tell aunty?
mum: nothing – when she came over the other day she asked where you were and I told her that you left me alone and gone…. That’s all!

Me: Did you tell her why I left? That I actually didn’t just ‘go’ for nothing???

Mum: No! I am ashamed…

Me: *Now shocked & a little frustrated at the situation* so you’re just letting her think that I just moved out for nothing? Like I am a bad daughter leaving my mum alone… What are you ashamed about; that I’m engaged to a good man? To someone that I care about and cares about me? That I am fulfilling half my iman? I can’t believe you didn’t say anything about me being engaged? About me soon being married??? Because you’re ashamed???!! Mum – you can’t tell them half a story! No wonder they’re calling me!

Mum: Have you called her back?

Me: No – I really can’t be bothered getting into it with her but if she calls again I am going to talk to her…. you might be ok to tell half a story but I’m not! If they call me I am going to tell them the whole story because I am not doing anything wrong – then they’ll ask you why you didn’t tell them! So either tell them not to call me or tell them the real situation.

Mum: Just come home – then you don’t need to talk to them

Me: I’m not going to live with you mum – I can’t do it… not the way you are now. You’re still refusing to see the situation here and I cannot live like this. The fact that you’re only telling them half a story is not right. They’re going to find out eventually mum…

So essentially the deal is that my mum is telling them (her friends) that I left home. That’s it – no reason, no logic… that she provided everything for me and loves me unconditionally and that I just left! Just got up and packed my bags…

OH MY GOD!

It really is 2 steps forward one step back!!! So annoying! The saddest thing out of all the antics she plays is that it makes me realise that leaving has been the best thing for me and (hopefully) our future relationship. She can be so manipulative… she doesn’t even see what she’s doing… it’s so constant!

Urgh – I don’t even want to go into how I’m feeling about this… the strange part is that it no longer makes me annoyed, hurt and angry… and maybe that’s because I don’t live under the same roof as her anymore so her antics don’t seep into me anymore (now they just wash past). Yes, they’re still frustrating in a way but for the most part I’m just like; *deep breath* & ‘whatever’…

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