Vanity post baby – A Changed Body

It’s now 9 weeks since the birth of my lil girl and whilst I’m trying not to think about it I cannot help but notice the changes that no one ever mentioned may happen! Don’t get me wrong – I knew I’d gain weight and I KNEW I’d have to put in work to get my stomach back into the shape it once was but there are other parts I am surprised about…

My ribcage… Strange huh but I SWEAR this has gotten bigger/wider; I tried on more than a few of my dresses & whilst the zipper got up halfway up my back there was no way it was budging around the rib area… And it’s not about fat as far as I can see! It makes me wonder if that means that even though I may lose my post baby belly I’ll now be a little “wider” in my dimensions!

My hips & ass… Now I knew my hips would get wider but I didn’t realize so too would my ass! The two things I AM grateful for about the increase in hip & ass size is that: (1) hubby actually likes the “hippy-er” me (go figure!) and (2) when I was going Zumba+gym+raw food crazy leading up to my wedding I’d actually lost quite a bit of “butt plump-ege” so now having it back ain’t SO bad!

But I don’t want to be that person who only laments and focuses on the negative… I KNOW that I’m only this way about my body because I AM my own worst critic and I was rather slim pre-baby, so this really is going to take some getting used to (with the changed shape) whilst I TRY to work it off! Anyway, as I said, there are other things that I am VERY grateful for; I literally slathered on the Bio Oil all through my pregnancy from 7weeks to 1 month after the birth all over my bust, stomach, thighs and butt (husband would constantly make fun of the post shower “oil slick”) and now, thank goodness I have not one stretch mark! And I did take my mums advice with not wearing heels (except for 1 dinner function and 1 engagement party) to avoid varicose veins – whilst I HATED not wearing heels to work (it was reeeaaalllyyy hard in the beginning before I looked obviously pregnant – I do so enjoy wearing heels) I am grateful to report that at no point did I experience seriously swollen feet or hands & I didn’t get any varicose veins!

And let’s not forget the most absolutely amazing gift of all that I now have: my beautiful Amira! She amazes me and humbles me on SO many levels… I love her beyond words, she is my soul – I truly feel my heart beats for her…

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The baby that won’t sleep

What’s happened to my baby? She’s now eight weeks and the last two days have been chaotic!

I blame the “festive” season & the heat here in Aussieland… Our place sadly has no air-conditioning; which seemed an ok money saver when we were building but now we’re in the house & summer has arrived it has NOT been fun for hubby (strangely I deal better with the heat – hubby is certain this is because of my “desert people” heritage!) and now with baby I must admit I feel terrible for her… Especially since she can’t seem to get a decent sleep unless she’s swaddled (have you tried to swaddle a baby in 40degree Celsius heat?).

So, back to the baby – for the last week any semblance of “routine” has been thrown out the window… Hubby’s been off from work & likes to go out so that already affects lil Amira’s routine with me, then there was Christmas day (+night) at my inlaws which meant a SERIOUS disturbance to her sleep structure… Then boxing day at my mothers then dinner that night at the inlaws, then there were other get togethers we had to attend & let’s not get me started on the new years+birthday party we had to attend…

And now I am back at square one again I feel… With a baby who I’ll have to go through the “cry it out” method for a bit as over the last week she’s been molly- coddled by everyone who goes “Ooohhh isn’t she cute?” and wants to touch & hold… *sigh*

Then yesterday I noticed that getting her down in the daytime was beginning to NOT happen… Like, three quarters of the day from 9am to 8pm was spent with her being awake… Is this normal? Shouldn’t she be sleeping more? Isn’t that why they say it’s ‘eat, play + sleep’ not eat, play, eat, play etc… Seriously it’s enough to make me run from the house in frustration! To make me really test my patience my mum will continuously call me during the day… At first I tried answering each call – thinking that maybe if I DID speak to her once a day she’d be satisfied, but then she’d be like “oh, I’ll talk to you later on this afternoon ok?” to “come over again tomorrow with the baby…” to “why don’t you & the baby sleep over sometime” to her wanting to talk to me 3-4 times during the day… I mean what ELSE is there to talk about? And just because I’m officially not at work doesn’t mean I have nothing to do – I have a bloody newborn baby to contend with!

So – if anyone has any advice or hope for me; especially in relation to daytime no sleeping baby I would VERY MUCH appreciate it!

Post baby body

Ok – so I know it’s been nearly four weeks since Amira was born and that I really shouldn’t be this hard on myself but I am HATING the post birth belly! I am sure that I didn’t expect to be pre-pregnancy weight right away but I certainly have been frustrated & annoyed by what seems the slllllooowwwwness of it all! This is going to sound like TMI I’m sure but I internally cringe at the way I feel my body looks now… Which can only lead me to imagine what hubby really thinks of what I’m looking like these days (I don’t believe him for a second when he says that he thinks I look “gorgeous” or “beautiful” – those are two words I am not feeling at all these days)!

About 10ish days ago I did the unthinkable and attempted to try on my Bardot skinny leg jeans – I don’t know what I was thinking; call my crazy but I was having a good day & thought I’d give it a go… Imagine my crushing disappointment when I could not button them up? I felt robbed, dejected… I know it sounds vain; okay it IS vain but being a new mum has made me realise just HOW much of who you are & what you look & feel like is taken by your lil bundle! Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t have it any other way but coupled by the things I can’t control; getting back into my (australian) size 8 jeans (I haven even thought about attempting to get into my black size 6 skinny kegs!) is something I feel I should be able to control!

Annnnyway – after another two weeks of cringing each time I opened my drawers (I swear those jeans were mocking me!) & having hubby tell me how beautiful he found me with me wanting to slap as I did NOT believe him! I decided to retry the jeans….

Whilst I can’t quite say I’m back to pre-pregnancy weight (oh how I LONG to get back that body!) I can tell you that I managed to get three of the four buttons up! The joy I felt at this is like winning a gold medal…

I leave out the fact that it did take quite some work to get the third button up & I did reeeeaaaaallllyyy have to “shimmy” myself into then with far more effort than I did before… But that’s NOT the point!

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Hello Baby!

Well here I am… A mum; on the 31st of October I had our little girl! No one could have prepared me for the huge overwhelming feeling that would change things.

It was amazing; there is SO much that happens to a woman’s body that they don’t seem to tell you or prepare you for in those antenatal classes – like you know it’s going to hurt & you realize that labor may take “awhile” but nothing & no one seemed to prepare you me for the other stuff…

They say you’ll look at your baby & you’ll love then straight away; I was SO unprepared by how moved your soul is the moment they placed her on my chest; in that moment (and I KNOW it’s going to sound pathetically cheesy) I knew that I was made to be this little ones mum… I looked at my husband & could not believe that we had been given this glorious gift from Allah! And as athan was read to her I realized everything that every other mother had gone through to bring their child into this world.

Bur it’s not all sweet smelling roses; let’s back it up for a bit: you don’t quite realise how much pain the child birth is going to be. That the epidural is brilliant but that the first parts of labor are surreal & so scary because if they hurt that much already what happens when they’re longer & MORE intense?

Then there’s the pain after; this strange sensation when you go to toilet & realize that you’ve lost your bladder control… What the? Why did NO ONE tell me that???? Hmm?? And when I mention it to my doctor she says that it’s “normal” and that I’ll be able to get it back (she also mentioned that i should be grateful that I made it to toilet in time as she’d had other patients that had lost all control – is that meant to make me feel better?)… That’s not the point – no one told me that this was going to happen!

No one told me quite how possessive I’d be over my baby – that I’d want others to just let her sleep & to stop fawning at her or constantly picking her up or just standing there staring at her or passing her along to every other set of arms… Or how this lil human would affect my relationship with my mum; so tgat I seem to now have even mire patience with her; that her madness is slightly more understood now… That she went through all this to have me… And then it makes me want to call my sister in law and tell her that she NEEDS to be nicer to her mum & that its NOT her life!

And even though I went to a “class” on breast feeding & settling NO ONE seemed to prepare me about just how hard breast feeding is! It’s SO much harder than you think & that when she won’t “latch on” you’ll blame yourself & think YOU’RE the failure!

I’ve thought this so often already; that I’ve failed her already… She’s just a baby & I’m trying the best I can but she’ll take SO long to settle now; or she’ll cry for aggggeess and she’s fed, changed etc so why is she crying this much?

Let’s not even get me started on the lack of sleep! Of the midnight feeds then the 3am feeds then the 6/7am feeds…. Not to mention the settling after…

But I love her SO much it scares me… I look at her & could cry the worlds ocean in tears by how much I love & want to protect her… And it scares me; this massive journey of parenthood & being a mummy scares me as we’re both just winging this….

And through all of this (the pregnancy, birth & first few days after) I had always thought that the labor would be the scary, daunting part… But what comes after is clearly the real tough stuff!

xx

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Six Months Down – Pregnancy Update!

It is with great awe & amazement that I am already SIX MONTHS pregnant! Where oh where did the time go? I cannot believe that I am in my last trimester and that soon (inshallah) we will have a healthy baby!

But I think we need to address some key “issues”: the changes that come with pregnancy! What I find interesting is that before you’re pregnant, all these ladies/people say “oooh, when are you going to start a family?” and “there’s no joy like motherhood…”then the moment you do get pregnant the truth finally comes out… Is Luke they were ‘lulling’ me into this blissful ideal & no the truth is being revealed!

So in the spirit of my blog & brutal honesty I am gonna lift the lid on what it’s been like for me being preggers!

In the meantime here’s a little pic of me at 5 months! There is definitely MORE to come….

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When thoughts just won’t leave…

It’s been awhile since I wrote and it’s not that nothing’s been happening but rather that when I do get a minute to stop and reflect I’m away from the possibility to blog…. In saying that though you; the blogsphere have been on my mind a lot! I hope you’re all well, I hope that you don’t think I don’t care….

I’ve been feeling a little “odd” of late. On the outside I’m seemingly my normal, serene and patient self. Happily working, cooking fir the family and trying desperately to find more tine to get to the gym whilst also balancing done time with mum. But on the inside something seems amiss… I feel that since my sister in law arrived (she’s moved back home from being in Melbourne for the last 6years) and the changing dynamic that I can feel my patience slipping. Don’t take that the wrong way; I love her and we actually get a long very well but I sorta feel like I’ve become slightly less visible… Does that make sense? Add to that that I feel angry with myself for feeling this way but also I am more annoyed with my body… Because I’m still not pregnant! And it seems that everyone else around me is…

I know the sayings; “it’ll happen, these things take time…” and “just enjoy yourself – you’ll have a baby soon enough and you won’t even have time to think!”

Yep ok… Whatever – the frustration of it all is that whilst I wanna scream through it all, I am giving Mr A the exact same cliches – I don’t want or need him to worry aswell. He tends to be a worrier by nature & with him, when he worries it takes over every other thought and prevents him from function. Not with me – I’ve spent so long of my life worrying that usually its a long lingering thought that washes over me so that I suffocate it with something else… Shopping, cooking, making something, reading, studying… But today in the bustle of a cafe as I sit here enjoying my ice coffee while I wait for my wheel alignment I feel so maddeningly detached and saddened by these thoughts that just won’t stop haunting me.

xx

Fourth time lucky?

So apparently fourth times the charm… After numerous attempts for my mum trying desperately to come home earlier she is finally here…

It has seriously been madness the issues that she’s gone through because whole she was away she did not realize that her passport was expiring! So that when she did finally book her return date (originally meant to be early December) she was told that she would need a new passport and would need to organize it before leaving!

Then there were issues with the fact that she was using a different surname on some of her ID – then she arranged to come back not realizing that all the information had not yet been processed! So forgive me if after three different times I plan to go to the airport (at which with every attempt I am literally bursting at the seams with stress & anxiety) & then literally get a call 2 hours before leaving the house then (the other time) half an hour before leaving the house; if I think that this time I cannot take another day off work I mean seriously – how many times can I use the excuse “I need the day off because I need to pick my mum up from the airport?” before they just look at me & roll their eyes then tell me where to go? maybe this time I’ll let her catch a cab home & just visit her there? In all honesty I did think of telling her that hubby had the day off if she kicked up a stink, but she surprisingly was pretty good about catching a taxi!

Anyway – here I am at her place with the thousands of butterflies in my tummy to keep me company & the knowledge that my mum will criticize what I’m wearing, if I’ve lost or gained weight, if I’m too tanned/too pale & the fact I have nail polish on my toes and she’s not here… Her stuff is here so I know she’s actually come back & the car is still in the garage… And yet she’s out… So I thought I’d chill here for a bit and see what happens in an hour… Push comes to shove I’ll take myself to dinner!

I do hope you’re all well… More info regarding the chronicles of (my) mum to come….

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