How are YOU?

Do you know can be incredibly frustrating about my relationship with my mother? Is that is completely almost totally one-sided! I mean do NOT for a second think that I am ungrateful for everything she has done, sacrificed and achieved in raising me. Don’t for one millisecond think that I don’t sit here in awe of the fact that from the age of eight she raised me as a single parent without any emotional or monetary help from my dad at all.

BUT it seems that the moment I started earning an income I suddenly started morphing into something else. Sure, I was always the one mum spoke to about her problems, finances and don’t even get me started on the abundance of ‘emotional scarring’ my father left on my mother where I all too vividly remember mum crying in her bedroom then scooping me up so I could sleep with her in her bed. But even then if I (as a child) wanted to cry about my own sadness my mum always told me that seeing me cry hurt her too much – me crying would make her cry so that then i’d have to make her feel ok and happy, so in most cases I’d “sort myself” out by just crying by myself in the dead of night in my room.

When I graduated university and got that full-time job I changed yet again; I became the provider, the husband, the listener, the maintainer, the fixer, the translator, the plumber, the driver… BUT I still had a curfew and I STILL had to listen and obey her every instruction. But I did it; I sucked it up and did it – because she raised me, because she did it on her own, because I think she managed to do a bloody good job of it, because I DO love her, because she is my mother.

And now I’m married and have a baby – and whilst I am now not entirely playing the role of “financier” ( though that is NOT for lack of her trying) I am still the translator, the driver and the person to has to calm her down when things seem too much (which is often, as she is a highly anxious person). What frustrates me MOST of all is she never, ever asks how I am.

Never.

Even when she calls me and its obvious I am sick; she’ll say in an accusing tone “you sound sick – why aren’t you taking medicine?” HOW do you answer this? With a deep breath and “yeah, I have a cold, I am taking some medicine – thanks”. I mean really – what else can I say?

But don’t get me wrong – she LOVES our little girl; she looks after lil missy every Monday and I can tell she loves it. And when she calls me she DOES sometimes ask about Amira towards the middle/end of the conversation… she’ll even ask about hubby as well (I know right, how the times have changed!) and how she feels she hasn’t seen him in ages.

But not me – and not about what I’m doing or got planned for the day, or if her call is disturbing me from work etc. No, instead my mum jumps strainght into her conversation and wat is frustrating her at this VERY MILLISECOND and that I, as her daughter, her one and only child – the one she raised all by herself MUST stop whatever I am doing and listen, help and fix her issue… even if it is the EXACT same situation she has already told me of 4 times before in the last other 4 converstations (of which I may have provided a solution but that it does not meet her requirements.

Take for example my converstion with her but minutes ago – as soon as I picked up and said salam she was straight into it “remember how I went to the chemist yesterday? Well they didn’t have the medication for my prescription – so I went to another one today and they said only the chemist in Applecross has this – WHAT will I do? I MUST have this medication NOW! Plus I have the problem with the neighbour still! There are 5 cars parked in front of their and my house – it makes it very difficult for me to reverse out – I have a new car, I could have an ACCIDENT! WHAT should I DO? Maybe I call police and they talk to them? They don’t understand – you can’t JUST park in FRONT someone house like that!” do you notice how there are no full stops? Because my mum doesn’t use them – I feel the need to tell you that at this exact moment; whilst I’m on the phone to my mum that my lil missy is screaming her lungs out as I was trying to get her down for her afternoon nap and that I KNOW my mum would’ve been able to hear – but she doesn’t even ask what’s going on… why? Because SHE has an issue and I MUST listen and fix it…

And I’m totally stuck – I completely caught up in her “you have to help me because I am your mother and I do everything for you” only its not that she does everything for me – it’s that once upon a time I was a child and THEN she DID do everything for me. And tr as I may to desperately make her understand that in fact, for the last DECADE or so I HAVE been the one to do everything and that the moment I worked out my mum held over my head the fact she’d done it ‘all for me’ as a single parent (so that I “owed” her) I quickly smartened up and thought that I would rather go without than ask for help as I did not want my ‘list’ of ‘debt’ to get any greater.

What frustrates me and upsets me most of all is that there is no possible resolution in this situation because try as I have to explain things it either falls on deaf ears or she changes the subject or will throw the trump card: “I gave birth to you.” I can’t argue with that… so I stay silent and realise its easier to just go along with her.

But it hurts me.

Then she asks why she looks after missy once a week and my mother in law has her for 2 days (it’s really 1.5 days) – where do I go with that? That I don’t get a bigger a debt with you? That I hate asking you for anything as it is now? That it’s easier with my in laws because they have a stroller/car seat/toys and cot at their house that they’ve set up whereas at my mum she expects/asks/insist that I MUST purchase and leave all these things at her place because she has ‘no money’.

Don’t for one second underestimate my mum – she may seem like she ‘has no money’ and by no means is she ‘rolling in it’ but she is VERY smart with her money! We go out, she’ll suggest we go for lunch and ask me to pick a place that I know she’ll like (see; the way she makes it seem like I’m picking out the place?). Once we get to said place she’ll see what she wants and tell me what I should order for her then sits down… we go to her doctor’s appointment and she wants us to park close to hospital =but she never offers to pay for anything=, she wants to go away and visit family overseas and she’ll tell me how much the ticket is and then say “I’ll get the travel agent to call you and tell you ‘details’” (details = price); even on my birthday when she gets me a ‘gift’ it’s something I KNOW she’s already had at home. But she’ll say she has no money… and then proceeds to buy herself a band NEW car… only AFTER telling me that her friends daughter =allegedly= bought their mother a new car and asked her (the friend) that my mother should ask her daughter (me) to buy her a car. And even with this new car she doesn’t come to visit me on grounds of “it’s too far” because to my mum ANY place that is MORE than a 7 – 10 minutes’ drive away is WAY too far away (FYI: my house 15minutes drive from her place; the same distance it is from my in laws place!)

Don’t get me wrong, I am not resentful about the money; money comes and goes and she IS my mum and she HAS raised me all on her own. More than anything I am upset by the “cumulative-ness” of it all. Of all the expectation without warmth, with the total one-way street with no hesitation, with the fact that I seem to be a call centre officer to her so that all I am is the ‘fixer up-er”.

I am just so very emotionally tired and hurt by it all… but have to silently, stoically keep going and pretend that I am ok with ‘this’…

But she still doesn’t ask: “How are you?”

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Post baby & your marriage

I just wanted to touch base very quickly – I promise to go into greater depth in the days to come… But what I will say is this:

Post baby your marriage changes.

Post baby I, the mother have a different set of priorities… What is important to you – to me as the mother can be vastly different to what your husband is thinking. And try as you may to explain things, you really can’t…

At the moments my thoughts are all over the shop… I’m tired, I’m a little frustrated & I’m beyond writing it all… I’ll get it all down soon… Promise

xx

The baby that won’t sleep

What’s happened to my baby? She’s now eight weeks and the last two days have been chaotic!

I blame the “festive” season & the heat here in Aussieland… Our place sadly has no air-conditioning; which seemed an ok money saver when we were building but now we’re in the house & summer has arrived it has NOT been fun for hubby (strangely I deal better with the heat – hubby is certain this is because of my “desert people” heritage!) and now with baby I must admit I feel terrible for her… Especially since she can’t seem to get a decent sleep unless she’s swaddled (have you tried to swaddle a baby in 40degree Celsius heat?).

So, back to the baby – for the last week any semblance of “routine” has been thrown out the window… Hubby’s been off from work & likes to go out so that already affects lil Amira’s routine with me, then there was Christmas day (+night) at my inlaws which meant a SERIOUS disturbance to her sleep structure… Then boxing day at my mothers then dinner that night at the inlaws, then there were other get togethers we had to attend & let’s not get me started on the new years+birthday party we had to attend…

And now I am back at square one again I feel… With a baby who I’ll have to go through the “cry it out” method for a bit as over the last week she’s been molly- coddled by everyone who goes “Ooohhh isn’t she cute?” and wants to touch & hold… *sigh*

Then yesterday I noticed that getting her down in the daytime was beginning to NOT happen… Like, three quarters of the day from 9am to 8pm was spent with her being awake… Is this normal? Shouldn’t she be sleeping more? Isn’t that why they say it’s ‘eat, play + sleep’ not eat, play, eat, play etc… Seriously it’s enough to make me run from the house in frustration! To make me really test my patience my mum will continuously call me during the day… At first I tried answering each call – thinking that maybe if I DID speak to her once a day she’d be satisfied, but then she’d be like “oh, I’ll talk to you later on this afternoon ok?” to “come over again tomorrow with the baby…” to “why don’t you & the baby sleep over sometime” to her wanting to talk to me 3-4 times during the day… I mean what ELSE is there to talk about? And just because I’m officially not at work doesn’t mean I have nothing to do – I have a bloody newborn baby to contend with!

So – if anyone has any advice or hope for me; especially in relation to daytime no sleeping baby I would VERY MUCH appreciate it!

Hello Baby!

Well here I am… A mum; on the 31st of October I had our little girl! No one could have prepared me for the huge overwhelming feeling that would change things.

It was amazing; there is SO much that happens to a woman’s body that they don’t seem to tell you or prepare you for in those antenatal classes – like you know it’s going to hurt & you realize that labor may take “awhile” but nothing & no one seemed to prepare you me for the other stuff…

They say you’ll look at your baby & you’ll love then straight away; I was SO unprepared by how moved your soul is the moment they placed her on my chest; in that moment (and I KNOW it’s going to sound pathetically cheesy) I knew that I was made to be this little ones mum… I looked at my husband & could not believe that we had been given this glorious gift from Allah! And as athan was read to her I realized everything that every other mother had gone through to bring their child into this world.

Bur it’s not all sweet smelling roses; let’s back it up for a bit: you don’t quite realise how much pain the child birth is going to be. That the epidural is brilliant but that the first parts of labor are surreal & so scary because if they hurt that much already what happens when they’re longer & MORE intense?

Then there’s the pain after; this strange sensation when you go to toilet & realize that you’ve lost your bladder control… What the? Why did NO ONE tell me that???? Hmm?? And when I mention it to my doctor she says that it’s “normal” and that I’ll be able to get it back (she also mentioned that i should be grateful that I made it to toilet in time as she’d had other patients that had lost all control – is that meant to make me feel better?)… That’s not the point – no one told me that this was going to happen!

No one told me quite how possessive I’d be over my baby – that I’d want others to just let her sleep & to stop fawning at her or constantly picking her up or just standing there staring at her or passing her along to every other set of arms… Or how this lil human would affect my relationship with my mum; so tgat I seem to now have even mire patience with her; that her madness is slightly more understood now… That she went through all this to have me… And then it makes me want to call my sister in law and tell her that she NEEDS to be nicer to her mum & that its NOT her life!

And even though I went to a “class” on breast feeding & settling NO ONE seemed to prepare me about just how hard breast feeding is! It’s SO much harder than you think & that when she won’t “latch on” you’ll blame yourself & think YOU’RE the failure!

I’ve thought this so often already; that I’ve failed her already… She’s just a baby & I’m trying the best I can but she’ll take SO long to settle now; or she’ll cry for aggggeess and she’s fed, changed etc so why is she crying this much?

Let’s not even get me started on the lack of sleep! Of the midnight feeds then the 3am feeds then the 6/7am feeds…. Not to mention the settling after…

But I love her SO much it scares me… I look at her & could cry the worlds ocean in tears by how much I love & want to protect her… And it scares me; this massive journey of parenthood & being a mummy scares me as we’re both just winging this….

And through all of this (the pregnancy, birth & first few days after) I had always thought that the labor would be the scary, daunting part… But what comes after is clearly the real tough stuff!

xx

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When thoughts just won’t leave…

It’s been awhile since I wrote and it’s not that nothing’s been happening but rather that when I do get a minute to stop and reflect I’m away from the possibility to blog…. In saying that though you; the blogsphere have been on my mind a lot! I hope you’re all well, I hope that you don’t think I don’t care….

I’ve been feeling a little “odd” of late. On the outside I’m seemingly my normal, serene and patient self. Happily working, cooking fir the family and trying desperately to find more tine to get to the gym whilst also balancing done time with mum. But on the inside something seems amiss… I feel that since my sister in law arrived (she’s moved back home from being in Melbourne for the last 6years) and the changing dynamic that I can feel my patience slipping. Don’t take that the wrong way; I love her and we actually get a long very well but I sorta feel like I’ve become slightly less visible… Does that make sense? Add to that that I feel angry with myself for feeling this way but also I am more annoyed with my body… Because I’m still not pregnant! And it seems that everyone else around me is…

I know the sayings; “it’ll happen, these things take time…” and “just enjoy yourself – you’ll have a baby soon enough and you won’t even have time to think!”

Yep ok… Whatever – the frustration of it all is that whilst I wanna scream through it all, I am giving Mr A the exact same cliches – I don’t want or need him to worry aswell. He tends to be a worrier by nature & with him, when he worries it takes over every other thought and prevents him from function. Not with me – I’ve spent so long of my life worrying that usually its a long lingering thought that washes over me so that I suffocate it with something else… Shopping, cooking, making something, reading, studying… But today in the bustle of a cafe as I sit here enjoying my ice coffee while I wait for my wheel alignment I feel so maddeningly detached and saddened by these thoughts that just won’t stop haunting me.

xx

Showing Signs of Age: Piercings

Another thing i don’t understand and i think may be a sign of aging are those piercing ‘young’ people that expands your earlobe so that essentially there is a HUGE hole in their ear…. WHY?

If it satisfies a cultural norm; something expected of you from your remote African tribe than who am i to jude – this is what your tribe does… BUT we are NOT a Zulu tribe – last time i checked it was not part of western culture to have said piercings… but aside from that – they’re hardly bloody attractive! In fact – when i DO see someone with one of those HUGE holes in their ears i have an overwhelming urge to see how good my aim is try and throw something through it!

I once got to chatting to a fool person who had one of these piercings (in both ears with big metal ‘O-Rings’ in them) and had to ask a pertinent questions: “when you eventually want to take out the ring, will your earlobes eventually ‘shrink’ back to size?”

I was essentially told “no”… so does this mean that we are destined to see a WHOLE group of people in nursing homes/retirement villages or on the pension or in the park in 40years to come sitting there watching their grand kids play in the park with their walking stick along side of them AND these huge holes in their earlobes?

Am i the only one who thinks this trend is plain dumb?

Do men find this attractive?

oh la la - what big 'holey' earlobes you have!

Showing Signs of Age: Shorts & Stockings

Remember when we were school kids we never realised how annoying  loud we were when we were in a group – we may not have realised just how “annoying” we were… cue 5 – 1 years later and you’re either mid-way through uni or working full-time when one day; whilst on the train something strikes you… the gaggle of girls chatting about nothing really interesting are SERIOUSLY annoying! And that’s when you ask yourself; have they always been like that and is it only NOW you notice? And if so…. why?

Then over the next couple years you notice more and more; you get annoyed when school kids don’t get up for the aged, people with children or pregnant woman. You start to dislike school holidays… and you start to wonder about certain things you see in store(s).

Which brings me to the reason of this post – i LOVE fashion; i visually devour my Shop magazine each month and LOVE when next stock comes into stores… I love colour and shopping centres and new season items and Sale signs…. but there is something things i don’t get!

I understand the concept of a ‘perennial’ clothing item – I used to work in retail and I “get” that some items can be worn in summer, winter, autumn and spring… but then there are items that are NOT perennials; items that are CLEARLY either winter or summer…. like a bikini – clearly summer right? like stockings are for colder climates – it’s not really something you would wear at the height of summer weather.

PLEASE explain to me the concept of shorts… with stockings?? I do NOT understand how this is meant to be “in” now – how this meets the conceptual requirements of winter attire? HOW? I mean, let’s think about it – shorts are summer attire… stockings are not… my logic is this: if it IS too cold to wear shorts then HERE is a novel idea… wear PANTS! Especially when you see said wearer wearing maddeningly shot shorts + thick stocking + thick jacket/cardigan + umbrella (as its raining)… i don’t care if its in; it does NOT look right – i think perhaps if i must allow the possibility of the shorts and stockings combo it would be with fishnets – only because fishnet stockings aren’t really stockings are they? They don’t actually provide any warmth… but then unless your a burlesque dancer; shorts + fishnets + heels are generally not what one wears out… well; unless your Brittany Spears and you’re off to shoot your new video clip!

Am I the only one who thinks this? is it a sign of my age that I look at this and think – WTF?

Any thoughts?

Anything in the fashion world lately that you’re left thinking – “what the??”

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