Hello Baby!

Well here I am… A mum; on the 31st of October I had our little girl! No one could have prepared me for the huge overwhelming feeling that would change things.

It was amazing; there is SO much that happens to a woman’s body that they don’t seem to tell you or prepare you for in those antenatal classes – like you know it’s going to hurt & you realize that labor may take “awhile” but nothing & no one seemed to prepare you me for the other stuff…

They say you’ll look at your baby & you’ll love then straight away; I was SO unprepared by how moved your soul is the moment they placed her on my chest; in that moment (and I KNOW it’s going to sound pathetically cheesy) I knew that I was made to be this little ones mum… I looked at my husband & could not believe that we had been given this glorious gift from Allah! And as athan was read to her I realized everything that every other mother had gone through to bring their child into this world.

Bur it’s not all sweet smelling roses; let’s back it up for a bit: you don’t quite realise how much pain the child birth is going to be. That the epidural is brilliant but that the first parts of labor are surreal & so scary because if they hurt that much already what happens when they’re longer & MORE intense?

Then there’s the pain after; this strange sensation when you go to toilet & realize that you’ve lost your bladder control… What the? Why did NO ONE tell me that???? Hmm?? And when I mention it to my doctor she says that it’s “normal” and that I’ll be able to get it back (she also mentioned that i should be grateful that I made it to toilet in time as she’d had other patients that had lost all control – is that meant to make me feel better?)… That’s not the point – no one told me that this was going to happen!

No one told me quite how possessive I’d be over my baby – that I’d want others to just let her sleep & to stop fawning at her or constantly picking her up or just standing there staring at her or passing her along to every other set of arms… Or how this lil human would affect my relationship with my mum; so tgat I seem to now have even mire patience with her; that her madness is slightly more understood now… That she went through all this to have me… And then it makes me want to call my sister in law and tell her that she NEEDS to be nicer to her mum & that its NOT her life!

And even though I went to a “class” on breast feeding & settling NO ONE seemed to prepare me about just how hard breast feeding is! It’s SO much harder than you think & that when she won’t “latch on” you’ll blame yourself & think YOU’RE the failure!

I’ve thought this so often already; that I’ve failed her already… She’s just a baby & I’m trying the best I can but she’ll take SO long to settle now; or she’ll cry for aggggeess and she’s fed, changed etc so why is she crying this much?

Let’s not even get me started on the lack of sleep! Of the midnight feeds then the 3am feeds then the 6/7am feeds…. Not to mention the settling after…

But I love her SO much it scares me… I look at her & could cry the worlds ocean in tears by how much I love & want to protect her… And it scares me; this massive journey of parenthood & being a mummy scares me as we’re both just winging this….

And through all of this (the pregnancy, birth & first few days after) I had always thought that the labor would be the scary, daunting part… But what comes after is clearly the real tough stuff!

xx

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I Have NEWS!

Awhile back I was writing about how there are times in our lives when certain thoughts just will NOT leave us (When thoughts just won’t leave); But since then there has been a major update in life and i am more than excited to tell you all that….

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!

I am currently exactly 13 weeks pregnant; i couldn’t bring myself to say anything any earlier, even though in all honesty my blog and the desire to write about it was on my mind more than once. But i was scared after what had happened last time, so i hope that you will forgive me from keeping this news from you all!

The picture below is obviously not me; i mean – i only just hit the 3 month mark and whilst i am steadily gaining weight i am trying to not be as painfully “about my weight” as i usually would. There have been moments where i am gripped with fear about the fact that i am wanting to eat SO much and that annoyingly if i try to ignore the urge to eat i start to feel like i want to be sick or start to feel a headache coming on… alas the little ‘cupcake’ already has power over me and i succumb to food…

Last week Mr A and i had our 12 week scan – since then i have found a shift in my thoughts… I have another human being growing inside of me! it is the most surreal and emotionally massive thought. I lay there as we heard the heart the heartbeat… Subhanallah – we are so grateful that everything is coming along as its meant to. I cannot explain to you the feeling that totally seems to overcome you and your partner/husband when you see your baby on the screen and hear its heartbeat for the first time; it is truly beyond words… i’ve seen movies like Knocked Up and Juno where they show the character seeing the baby for the first time… but when its your baby and inside of you it is MASSIVELY different!

Anyway; in the next couple days I’ll update you on how I’m feeling etc… i just wanted to share the news with you all!

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Fourth time lucky?

So apparently fourth times the charm… After numerous attempts for my mum trying desperately to come home earlier she is finally here…

It has seriously been madness the issues that she’s gone through because whole she was away she did not realize that her passport was expiring! So that when she did finally book her return date (originally meant to be early December) she was told that she would need a new passport and would need to organize it before leaving!

Then there were issues with the fact that she was using a different surname on some of her ID – then she arranged to come back not realizing that all the information had not yet been processed! So forgive me if after three different times I plan to go to the airport (at which with every attempt I am literally bursting at the seams with stress & anxiety) & then literally get a call 2 hours before leaving the house then (the other time) half an hour before leaving the house; if I think that this time I cannot take another day off work I mean seriously – how many times can I use the excuse “I need the day off because I need to pick my mum up from the airport?” before they just look at me & roll their eyes then tell me where to go? maybe this time I’ll let her catch a cab home & just visit her there? In all honesty I did think of telling her that hubby had the day off if she kicked up a stink, but she surprisingly was pretty good about catching a taxi!

Anyway – here I am at her place with the thousands of butterflies in my tummy to keep me company & the knowledge that my mum will criticize what I’m wearing, if I’ve lost or gained weight, if I’m too tanned/too pale & the fact I have nail polish on my toes and she’s not here… Her stuff is here so I know she’s actually come back & the car is still in the garage… And yet she’s out… So I thought I’d chill here for a bit and see what happens in an hour… Push comes to shove I’ll take myself to dinner!

I do hope you’re all well… More info regarding the chronicles of (my) mum to come….

I need to tell you something…

I had intentions to pop photos from the family Bali adventure here last week – but its been a horrendous and thought provoking fortnight to say the least.

before leaving for Bali (like, the DAY before) Mr A and i discovered that i was a few weeks pregnant. We were so happy – seriously; Mr A cannot wait to be a dad! And whilst there was a part of me that was like “oh my GOD – i am now TOTALLY an adult!!” i was gracious and loving the thought that Mr A and i would be bringing a child into this world. we started planning, hoping and loving….

And then when we returned and i went back to work everything started getting back to normal – i hated that i could see that i was beginning to gain weight (read: my skinny leg jeans were beginning to show a slight muffin top!) but that it was not obviously a baby belly (yet); we told the family and friends – we booked our first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat on my birthday – as that was scheduled to be our 12th week….

on the tuesday before my birthday (10 may) at 4.15am Mr A rushed me to hospital… because i was miscarrying.

i had thought about not telling you all – as though none of this had happened at all… but i can’t do it. i am not one for denial – maybe i am built that way because all my mum does IS deny things that upset her… but i am different – i always have been one to look the pain, the sorrow and frustration in the eye and then build from there… that through sorrow comes adversity

it has been the most painful experience i have ever been through in my life – in more ways than one. The bleeding is beyond anything i could have ever imagined… the pain and above all the fear – the fear that i had this beautiful life inside of me that i was falling inlove with, that was a part of me and a part of Mr A – that we had helped to create was leaving me… that everything, every painful millisecond was far, far from my control.

Even as i type this i am humbled by the experience – we were hoping to start a family this year but even we did not anticipate that it would happen so soon… it is said that Allah only gives us the challenges that he knows that we can endure – we will be ok inshallah

i am SO grateful to Mr A – to his parents; his mum came to visit me at the hospital before i went into surgery for my DNC. For Mr A being a star and not leaving my side through each and every moment – i cannot imagine how he felt watching it all… an then taking me home only to have to call an ambulance to get me back to hospital because i had passed out bleeding on the bathroom floor… i am beyond grateful that i have him in my life.

i felt i needed to tell you – that while i have some readers that comment and others that don’t; i feel in some ways that i had some obligation to tell you what’s been happening… so that’s that then…. onward and upward?

I Get Things Done!

Its been awhile since I wrote anything – thanks so much Tasneem for bringing to my attention my lack of writing and updating! I don’t think it’s been all because of the “Hiba situation” as for the most part she is certainly out of my mind!

So what else has been happening? Lately I have been engrossed with the “Family Bali Trip” – comprising of roughly 3 weeks in Bali. We are all going from different lengths of time: we all leave together, Adam and I, Tony and Teena (my in-laws), Charles (Mr A’s uncle), his wife Sam and their 2 children + my best friend Susi. Charles, Sam and the 2 as well as Susi are staying for 10 days, once they leave Tony & Teena then stay on an additional 2 nights and then once they leave Mr A and I stay on for an extra 5 days for us to (finally) have our alone time! We are SO excited!

Let me tell you that planning this trip has been an effort in amongst itself! my mother in law is a social butterfly – which is both great and tiring; I am a helper and like to organise things (I think it comes from having to arrange and organise everything for mum in recent years PLUS a knowledge of if I arrange and organise things then at least I know it gets done!) which means that a LOT of running around was done!

When we first thought of this trip as being a group excursion there was a point where it was getting bigger than Ben Hur – Teena and Mr A kept inviting people and family with other people consistently emailing me to find out how much to would cost, changing dates, asking a million questions about the hotel… you catch my drift! At one point the people count was at 14 from numerous other states in Australia…. My poor travel agent deserved a bonus for all the constant changes I was having to arrange!

Not to mention the issue of payments! OMG – do you think all payments were made on time? hell to the no! Do you think that I emailed and SMS’ed everyone saying “next payment is due on XY date” – of course…. Do you think this occurred? No! Ethnics I tell ya – we are on a timetable all of our own – its almost like a due date is purely a guide and definitely flexible! Apart from Susi everyone made payments late – the funniest thing is Susi and I are the youngest (do all the arrangements for both Mr A & I – hehe; aren’t I a good wifey?)! It must be because we both work for government departments that has ensured our timeliness – that or the fact we both come from ethnic backgrounds where we are keenly aware the stereotype is that we are never on time with anything and have thus decided to rebel the stereotypical ethnic mentality!

So FINALLY everything was booked and paid for! I picked up all tickets – Teena then asks me if I have arranged holiday insurance for us all and how are we getting to the airport! Hmm – me thinks my keen organisational skills have rendered everyone else in the family inept to do anything else!

Mr A overheard this discussion along with the ‘list’ of things that Teena has planned to get done whilst in Bali (but that is another story) and decided to intercept:

Mr A: what are you doing mum?

MIL (mother in law): What do you mean? There are just a few things I need to get done while we are away and I just wanted to make sure if everything for the trip was organised…

Mr A: no, that’s not what I mean – I married her already – she’s my support crutch not yours… get your own!

MIL: what are you going on about?

Mr A: my wife does stuff for me – that’s the rule; get dad to do stuff for you! if you tire MY wife out with organising stuff for you who’s going to help me? no one – ask dad; that’s why you married him…

MIL: But tony doesn’t speak Indonesian and he won’t want to come everywhere with me…

Mr A: that’s not my fault… you have to make him… she’s mine… and you can’t have her all the time…

Haha…. Mr A has a thought process all this own!

Protected: Wedding Photos!!!! FINALLY!

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Bittersweet…

So it’s been awhile – the wedding day and all that went along with it has passed… yes i know that i have not yet posted photos on here BUT i have been trying… it can be a little difficult when you are trying to plan a rather large family holiday + constantly have people in the house and wonderful Mr A asking “what are you doing?” Alas they are coming and i have set myself a deadline that photo’s WILL be upby the end of the year… it IS a certainty!

what’s been happening i hear you ask? Well – a lot and yet not much…. i got the

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