I didn’t tell you….

There has been something I have kept from you… I actually intended to have my Nikah while my mum was away (on her holiday).  Before you berate me and gasp in horror and leave me a million comments about how doing this would make me a terrible, terrible Muslim daughter let me tell you that all that I have had to endure with my mum’s blatant disrespect at me, fiancé and our decision to get married has been more shocking than sad. In some respects I think I would prefer her to be angry or upset rather than her blatant obvious intentions to have us break up or her constant attempts to disregard the fact that I am CLEARLY with someone and have other single men and their families come and ask for my hand with them being told by my mum that I am not with anyone.

 

Her behaviour is not Mr A related – it is a trait that I have had to endure for the last few years that have gotten progressive worse to the point of me being hollowed and disheartened by her. Where she has smiled and nodded at everything I wanted to do and then made me do things her way… always. I would (and continue to do so) patiently endure whatever needs to be done to be sure that she had what she needed whilst having to listen to her little comments that she doesn’t realise hurts me:

 

About the girl who wears hijab but is never seen with her mother because she is embarrassed to go out to her mother’s gatherings – “look at Aisha; why can’t you wear hijab like her”

 

About the girl next door who is married and has 2 children to a man her mother picked out for her from Turkey but suffers from spousal abuse and doesn’t pray – “Why can’t you be like Suraya? Marry who I want you to marry?”

 

About a friends daughter who she shared a room with on Haj – “look at how nice and obedient she was with me” who I later heard was counting the days until mum was returned into my hands!

 

To the boy who took his father to Sydney for a week and paid him to stay at a posh hotel – “… masha Allah Jamal paid for everything for Uncle for that week… you don’t take me for holiday or stay in hotel like that” yep – I just pay more than half the bills and the day to day costs – but that’s nothing isn’t it?

 

To the other boy who bought his mum and dad a TV – “Subahan-Allah, to have such a child how would buy such a big TV just for his parents” and then the constant barrage of “this person has a new big TV” and “did you see ‘such & such’s’ TV? I didn’t need to have my glasses on to read the subtitles!” So that weeks later I gave in and bought a bigger and better plasma TV for my mum to watch with her response only being “I never asked you to buy me such a big TV”

 

To the family that have a satellite in their backyard I am beginning to hear her say “ooohh – you know, uncle *** has a satellite and has all the Arab and Indonesian channels – I don’t need one of those…” which is code for “why don’t you get me one of those so I can watch it too?”

 

To the statements like;

“We need a new rice cooker… when are you going to get one for us?” (FYI I rarely eat rice!)

“I would love to buy a Dust buster vacuum – you should get me one”

“Our tap keeps dripping – I will find a plumber; you just give me the money for it.”

 

To the many little comments that strike like darts that I cannot even write because I would prefer to not say them…

So I have totally lost track to what I wanted to say – sorry… needless to say I didn’t have the nikah whilst mum was away – she returns on Sunday night. I don’t know how I feel about that… or rather I do, but dislike and am disappointed in myself that I feel this way.

 

I fear that whilst she is away she sounds happy and receptive to what I am saying that when she comes back (here) things will continue on the saddened path they were on before her departure….

 

So here I am – a woman who loves her mother and aims to ensure that she has everything she needs to be comfortable but a woman who is itching to get away from all of this emptiness…

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Helena
    Jan 20, 2009 @ 03:34:51

    Hmm… perhaps I would have gasped in horror and shame if…. 1) I hadn’t cottoned onto the fact that your mum is a manipulative, passive aggressive meany who has no respect for you…. and 2) what is a Nikah??

    Reply

  2. Susi Spice
    Jan 20, 2009 @ 07:34:29

    Nikah is the muslim wedding ceremony 🙂
    (i learned this from arabian princess I am not muslim) hehe. its not a legal one, its a religious one. So as far as i understand, that is the important one, the nikah because the couple are husband and wife from then onwards and live as husband and wife even if teh marriage certificate isnt signed yet for legal purposes.
    and Helena it is an uphill battle to say the least (not the nikah). I can only observe and be supportive of Arabian Princess.

    Reply

  3. daysofarabianlives
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 01:42:35

    Helena: I will agree that my mum is manipulative & passive aggressive and does not show respect for me or my decisions but I am not touching the “meany” part. Credit where credit is due; she raised me completely on her own without any help from anyone; in a country that was new and different to her own and I’d like to think she did an ok job. I love her with all my heart – I just do not like her behaviours (gee – can you tell I have a psych background?)

    Susi: Woo-hoo; good job on the definition of ‘Nikah’ my love – spot on! Meanwhile I thank you so much for all the support you have given me in respect to ‘issues’ I have to contend with (the mother). One of the many reasons why I love you so much!!!

    Reply

  4. chickpea
    Jan 29, 2009 @ 13:26:28

    I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. Is living on your own before the nikkah possible? I’m a firm believer that women should live on their own for at least 6 month to a year. I love my parents but I haven’t lived with them in over three years, and I know for sure I couldn’t live with them now!

    Reply

  5. daysofarabianlives
    Jan 30, 2009 @ 01:41:28

    Chickpea: oh how I WISH this could be done! Sadly my mum will lament and go on and on about how terrible a daughter I am being and how I have left her and how I don’t love her and how I don’t care and am irresponsible and unfeeling and ungrateful for all that she has done… truly the list goes on! No sweetie – the only way is to have a legitimate reason to leave and that is to have had the nikah… so that’s what we’re hoping to get sorted soon… we’re looking at places first though!

    Reply

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