Over Protective Mothers
Last night I hate to say it but Susi has made me aware and interested in a show that I cannot believe that I may be tuning into every week – Momma’s Boys.
Based around single boys and their over-protective momma’s the one to watch is Mrs B who has claimed in her video about what type of girl she
DOESN’T want for son (Jo-Jo):”I cannot have a black one; I can’t have an Asian one; no fat-butt girl,” she said. “No Jewish girl! No way, no way! I don’t want Jo-Jo to be with a Moslem girl or an Arab”
What does she want for her son then? “I did imagine a girl who’s got a college education, a good career
going, who does cook, who’s going to keep the house clean. Am I asking too much? Who wants someone who’s got fleas?”
The irony of it all is that she herself is from Iraq! A catholic Arab who seems to have forgotten how to pronounce MUSLIM!
So the basic outline of the Show is this:
At the beginning of the series, 32 single women are contestants seeking romance with any of three single men (firefighter/paramedic Michael Sarysz, real estate broker Robert Kluge, or college student Jojo Bojanowski). The men’s mothers are brought in to live in a house with the female contestants while the sons are housed in a nearby
condominium. The men make the decisions whether each woman should stay or go, but the mothers actively seek to influence their sons as to those decisions.
The funny thing about this is that it has led me to think about a few things:
How much a parent can love and be in love with their child: Just as Mrs. B seems eerily in love with her son in some odd, grotesque way I have
heard many a man’s mother comment about how perfect they perceive their son to be. Similarly my mum may never be happy with whatever decisions I make (because to her she knows best – and that really I should just let her make all my decisions for me) but in some strange way I think that this is how my mum feels about me; that in her own way that if FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I was never with a partner and it was always with ONLY her that (in some way) she would be completely satisfied; that this would be enough for her.
It’s bery difficult for me to answer the constant question I have of “how’s your mum? Is she happy over there?” that I seem to keep getting from Mr A, His parents, some extended family and my friends. How do I answer that? thinking about it baffles and frustrates me. When my mum is here she is crying (literally) about how lonely she feels; about how she is alone in the house and that I have ‘just left her’ and that after everything she has done for me she cannot believe that I would treat her this way. When she is here I am brought down with how she makes me feel guilty and frustrated by how I am unable to converse with her and… oh lets leave it at that shall we?
But now that she’s there with HORDES of people, children, family maids, loudness and constant banter etc, you’d think that all would be well – that the world would be her oyster; that the fact that nearly everyone there in that country is Muslim and there is no language barrier and the exchange rate is fabulous that she’d be happy right? WRONG! She is still upset – that she misses me, that she wants me to be there with her; that all the offices are were shut until yesterday (Monday 28/09/2009) because of Eid, that for some reason she can’t use her ATM card and that she cannot understand why I sent her there????
WHAT MORE CAN I DO???
I am tortured by this feeling within myself – frustrated and baffled
with what more I can do? The only solace I have found is that my mum has seemingly aggravated her older brother (my uncle) with her obsessive and distrusting behavior that he has asked me if this is what I have to deal with – thankfully, finally ONE person understands! I am appalled with myself for the feeling of wanting to ‘put her’ somewhere and not have to ‘deal with it’. I hate even having have written it. I do not understand what I am meant to do here anymore. And try as I may to NOT care (and I must say that I do seem to now have a slightly tougher skin) I do; I am frustrated by the feelings of never being good enough, of being the bad daughter, of not knowing how to make her happy whilst giving myself some semblance of peace and serenity. And even as I write this I receive an SMS from my mum (my mum doesn’t write sms’s so she would have gotten someone else to write it for her) that reads; “Mum’s girl, I love you very much. Ring me tonight”
And I am torn – torn between being angry with her for the ways she makes me feel; torn between being upset with her that I am just meant to do whatever she asks and that I was going to call her anyway tonight and now that message just makes me NOT want to call her.Annoyed that all she wants to do is dictate to me. Frustrated at modern day technology that has sucked me in (as I am a little bit gadget obsessed) and has now made me constantly accessible to her antics…
I hate it – I hate all of this and wonder when, when, when will it end? I wonder what will cause it to end? And then hate myself even more as I wish I was someplace else where she would not be able to contact me; where I would not have to deal with this.
Ya Allah; I am so sorry… I am so sorry that although I pray each and
every day to you asking you for patience that it seems at the very core of who I am that there seems to be an insufficient amount of patience. I don’t know what more to do Allah and all I want; all I have EVER wanted was just a little bit of peace and quiet.
Because I’m tired people… So very very tired!
PS: Dear readers I am sorry that this post has morphed from a discussion
about a reality show to a little emotional rant that has rendered me wanting to have a little sob at work… damn that scheduled monthly visitor!!
well i was discussing you with a mutual friend of ours (speaking of which you still owe me a n e-mail*hint hint*), and mentioned to her that I think all things considered you’re rather one amazing and impressive soul. I don’t say that to be trite, or pandering and complimentary. I say it cause though you have your ups and downs, and frustrations, you’re not bitter, you’re not angry, you’re not negative.
That says a lot about our character. Understandably, you’re in a new phase in your life, a phase full of scary stuff, emotional freedom, and thus exploration and growth, that isn’t something to be guilty about that it something to embrace, and enjoy.
If my suspicion is correct, I suspect that it is even this very element that makes you spectacular (amongst other things I’m sure) in your beau’s eye’s. He watches and is drawn into and along for the ride, and what you may at times think is tragic, he sees as beautiful.
In this travel, its easy to fall into ourselves, our frustrations, particularly that of not knowing, trying to want it and will it to be this way or that, but instead, taqwah, live in the taqwah, it isn’t just to reside in fear of what might be, be it judgment or genuine guilt but instead to reside in the warmth, awe, and beauty of what is.
Perhaps your mother has forgotten this fact as well at times, instead so focused on you on what she wants. I’m reminded of an analogy, “They couldn’t see the forest, but for the trees in the way.”
My recommendation is soar on those wings of elation higher and higher, you’ve already found the people who will always be there if you happen to fall. Let yourself enjoy, embrace, and live, there will be more than enough time in the next life to dwell, and wallow if that is what you want. In the meantime, see what life out from under your mom’s skirt has to offer. I know everyone that reads here, and that knows you, feels the same way, and wishes you nothing but the best.
- Salaam
I suspect Arab mothers = Desi mothers with shawarma.
You should see desi mothers (particularly girl’s mothers).
I should do a whole post on in laws etc but Mona knows my blog.
Suffice it to say you are lucky you are not going to marry a desi girl! It’s true – you marry the whole family and no wonder we people are good at diplomacy – it starts right from home.
Habibty:
I am really sorry. The bad news is, your mom’s behavior won’t change much at this age but the good news is that you have Mr. A! You both can work this out by setting limits for your mom when you guys get married.
You put her on a schedule when/if she returns. As you wrote previously, you call her at a certain time daily. After that she gets no attention from you. If there is a true emergency, teach her to call the police. In turn, they may contact you.
I won’t be surprised as your wedding date gets closer that your mom will try to “fake” emergencies to get your attention. Be prepared.
@Haleem:
I don’t think F’s mom is a typical Arab or Desi mother. Her mother is needy and so dependent, her behavior is irrational.
A typical Arab mother would respond to her engagement by boycotting her daughter. Not demanding attention by negativity and fake sweetness.
Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking your feeds too now, Thanks.
*Big bear hugs* hun…… xx
Am I missing something? I thought you were already married…
Caraboska: We have yet to do the civil service which will have us legally married!
You sound really tormented. *big massive hugs*
You know, before I got married, I was tormented by my mum AND my dad. Double whammy. They meant well.. but no matter how they expressed their love, their worrisome little heads and thoguhts for me, instead of making me feel better, it only made me feel worse and added to the already growing mountain of stress.
Now that I’m married, you would think it would stop.
Nope!
True, now they worry less about me.. but the fact remains that they STILL DO! Except now they probably worry about me AND him! So my point is, it will NEVER stop, sorry to burst your bubble. But like Organica mentioned, the good news is that you have Mr. A to help you through it. You have been exemplary in setting limits, and I feel you have to continuously do so to keep her at bay…. otherwise, trust me, and I speak from experience here, she WILL drive you batty.
The good news is that you are handling it, the way you see it.. Im sorry you have to go through it, but I don’t think your mum’s behaviour would be any different than if you actually settled down with an Arab guy.. so when you realize this, you will learn that you do not have to feel guilty about feeling the way you do. I think you are a stellar example of patience, understanding, and inshallah one day when you do have children of your own, you will realize what not to do. Your mum, on the other hand, is in denial and hell-bent on not seeing things from yoru point of view. The most you can do for her now… is be patient with her. She has to come to terms with this on her own one day.
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