My mum goes away on ‘holidays’ in 10 days…. there are a few good and bad points about her not being here; last night when I spoke to her she was all upset and distraught because when she’s away she knows she’s going to miss me but that when she’s here she feels lonely… I told her that its better to miss me than to be lonely – I know know how she really felt about that (comment).

I tried to explain to her that at some point in my life surely she would have factored into the equation that I would start my own life and be married but she seriously seemed to think that when that had happened that we would all live together (happily every after). I have no understanding how she got to this thought process considering that ever since I could remember all I wanted was a little space from her. I have diary entry upon diary entry wishing that one day I would set up house with some lovely wonderful man who would love and understand me and make me happy. I remember these moments so clearly as I remember her crying to me as she had read my diaries and asked why I so desperately wanted to get away. It’s odd when I think about it now; because back then she was lovely and funny and I enjoyed being around her… but still I wanted to have some sort of distance between us.

I wonder if it’s just because I am that type of person; that I enjoy my space, savor a silence and tranquility that can only come from being alone. Recently I had a female friend who is going through some relationship issues claim that she admired how well I knew myself – that she was older than me, had a child, was divorced and presently remarried and still felt like she had no idea about herself. Which totally baffled me!

It made me wonder; how on earth you can expect a partner, a parent or a friend ‘know’ you when you yourself don’t really know yourself… it perplexed me a little as it made me wonder if you don’t know yourself that how on earth do you know what you want? What you can deal with? What you are strong enough to say no to? What type of person you are and what governs your thoughts, morals and intentions…

I finished that conversation with her with so more questions (about her) than I had answers – how can you go through 30+ years of your life and not know yourself? What does that say about the decisions you’ve made in your life? About the one that she’s presently making…

I don’t even know what this post is about; it started off with me mentioning my mum leave in 10 days and than me go on about knowing yourself – how odd is that? I have no idea what the actual theme of this post is about; perhaps it’s philosophical… perhaps its about knowing that I need my mum to leave as I don’t know what to do with her anymore… I try and keep trying and yet I come up empty; I try to explain and then get told all I am doing is killing her. I listen to her for a full 10 minutes on the phone without saying more than ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘I understand’ and then when I start to mention Mr A she says “so now you want to make fight with me?”…. all because I am mentioning his name!