What I kept unsaid… (finally) said
Do you ever feel as though you are desperately trying to move forward and have things ‘progress’ but instead you are just walking through the thickest mud? Where you are gasping for air because you can’t breathe for the sheer despondency of it all and your words can’t seem to string a sentence that will be understood?
Do you sometimes start post after post after post knowing exactly what you want to say and yet either don’t quite know how or that after two or three paragraphs you strangely feel sooo tired by it all that you just hit delete and wonder why you can’t finish it – because you can’t be bothered. Because even thinking about it is a burden; is frustrating, is pain inducing… its headache causing and stomach turning. And I want to tell you all because I feel I should… but I am flummoxed at it all – not about how I got here but more about how I am feeling.
Oh stuff it – let’s just put it out there in the simplest way possible:
I am not living with my mum anymore.
Before any of you get up in arms let me advise you that at this point I am not living with Mr A! Poor Susi has me to deal with now in her dwelling! And before you claim that I am completely abandoning her or that I should practice greater patience I urge you to realize that I have been patient but there is only so much that I am able to suck up and pretend that everything is fine when my own mum will not let me talk to her about anything as I’m ‘killing her’. So I’m still seeing her – I went there for dinner last night before I went to the movies and it was ok – terrible but ok… its good for ½ an hour and then she goes on about I need to end things with him… amongst other things. I’m still taking time off work to take her to her doctors appointments and taking her to her eye appointment this Saturday. She’s still my mum and I do love her but I seriously think that our relationship at this point is beyond repair whilst I am still living there with her. She will always only hear and see what she wants – I cannot change that. The only thing I can hope is that without me there she’ll work out that she’s not as old as she insists on acting and that she will get some semblance of independence and realization that she needs to do things for her and realize that we are actually two people!
The most interesting (???) thing is that she’s has enlisted either some of her friends or Imams who I respect and learnt a lot from to call and talk to me. Then to my mum’s frustrations they hear the little bits and pieces that I tell them and they understand that my mum has always been too intense and that she needs to understand that I am able to make my own decisions. But she always has an excuse for what they say to her.
So that’s it – there is so much more to say; so much that I could only tell my mum through writing it down; through a letter that I am certain she will never truly understand. But sadly I really feel that this is the only way. Everything will work out insha-Allah. I have to believe that this will (eventually) happen because that’s what keeps me going.
So that’s that… in all honesty (living with mum) it hasn’t felt like ‘home’ for years.
OMG I am so proud of you! It is a very hard thing to do, leave a parent that has been your sole provider and support when you were a child, but I really think that this is a very healthy move that you have made, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed or worry about anyone saying anything about it.
Helen: thanks honey – I am hoping that this will be good for our relationship as we’ll not be in each other’s pockets so much and that essentially we do both need space and be independent… fingers crossed!
Congratulations! I’m so happy that you’ve been able to remove yourself from that unpleasant situation! With time and space, I think your mother will mellow out a bit and come to the realization that you’re an adult and you have to live your life the way you see fit. At least I hope so!
Chickpea: thanks honey – I really trying to show mum that we can actually get a long BETTER now that we’re not in each others pockets… at this point it’s very much an uphill battle that I trying to not let it get me down! I often feel like crap when I think about her pottering around the house at night by herself; but I have to remember that at some point this needed to happen and that in the grand scheme of things this might actually be good for her! oh well – I guess we’ll see!
Congrats… everyone needs to move on at some time.
Although my parents have been great.. we are now debating when to move out and how to tell them!
Haleem: Thanks – I seriously think that it needed to be done for all people involved…