The other day I read this blog post about she’d been with her boyfriend/partner for the last 8 years and that he had not proposed yet;

Will He Ever Propose to Me???

 

Well, after reading this; along with a few other ‘situations’ that have occurred in the last few days it got me to thinking about this notion of the appropriate time regarding marriage/engagement (or at the very least the discussion of either engagement/marriage) in a relationship. I have theorised that have been formulated through discussions with friends in said relationships, discussions with friends who had been in these relationships, my guy friends and (of course) Susi. These theories has been further fortified through my psychology degree and the texts I had to read, some little tid-bits I gather from the specific people I am exposed to through my employment and again through my philosophical ramblings discussions with Susi about this issue.

 

I think that a person (whether woman or not – but lets say woman because I’m one!) needs to make their expectations abundantly clear! Both to the other person and yourself! Set yourself a line – we do this with ‘basic’ things like; if he were to cheat or hit you you’re outta there. Through texts (both from uni and pop-psychology) and uni lectures about human relationships I have found an average of 2 years to be the magic number! By this number or a little before that the two of you should be on the same page as to what you want your future to be and where this (the relationship) is headed. Personally, if I was with someone for more than 2 years and there was no discussion of marriage with not only intent but general timeframe I’d be outta there! I know this may sound terrible but here’s the deal; if you bought stocks or shares and dividends you’d expect to not necessarily make short-term gains but that in the long-term you’d expect your investments to have matured and made it worth the investment. Otherwise any sane financial adviser would be telling you to sell and invest in another sector. Why do some people not take approach? I mean seriously – would you build a house on property you don’t own? Would you go to a bank for a home loan and after they approved it (the loan) they said that after 20 years of you paying off that loan you may or may not actually ever own the home… the decision is at their discretion! Betcha any money you’d think this bank has lost the plot and ain’t no waaayy you getting a loan from them! 

 

“Because I llloooovvveee him”

Oh bollocks! If you love him you’d want to spend you’re life with him! Oh that’s right – you do…. Well then; if he loves you wouldn’t he WANT to marry you? I’m going to look to myself hee as an example; Mr A talks incessantly about one day ‘getting me down the aisle’, telling me that he can imagine having babies with me and doing the mundane activities like being curled up watching TV and making dinner together. Mr M? Well, bloody good luck with that – his attitude was all “I’m still doing my masters so I haven’t thought about marriage yet” and “marriage is a really big step…” no way? You think? Here I was thinking that marriage was but a walk to the Seven-Eleven!

 

I remember hearing some famous relationship counsellor say that when a man says “I haven’t thought about getting married” there are two words on the end of that sentence that he hasn’t said: “I haven’t thought about getting married… to you”

 

This girl (the post) has done what I think is a boo-boo that may not be able to (obviously my opionion; but then again its my blog!) be “fixed”

 ”I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years and he still hasn’t proposed. He’s told me I’m the one he wants to marry.  For the majority of the relationship (let’s say 5 years) I didn’t want to get married. I was too young (early 20’s)…but now I’m older (almost 30) I want that commitment…”

Her question is: should she keep waiting?

The answer given by this advisor was: “You have taught your boyfriend for eight straight years your version of what love and commitment is all about; fear of commitment… You are about to learn how breaking him of the lesson you have apparently expressed well will be undoubtedly very tough…. over the last few years you have taught him how comfortable your relationship has been in its present state”

 

Well… Me thinks that this chicky is in a spot of bother!

 

I have this friend who has gone through relationship ups and down more than any extreme rollercoaster you’ll find! One day she was talking to this one guy who she had become friends with dating each other didn’t work out so friendship was the consolation prize! and they were discussing her “potentiality” as partner. He then went onto say something a long the lines of “…Arabian princess; she’s the girl you take home to mum and dad. She’s the ‘marrying’ kind”.

 

This posed 2 questions:

1. What actually identifies a person to being ‘marrying kind’

2. What was he saying about her?

 

So here it is; a few of my quick theories that I truly believe in!

v     Have the right bait for the fish you are catching – my mum has assured me that I won’t meet a good Muslim Arab boy in a night-club (although that said I have LOTS of friends that are reformed from their night-club days)

 

v     Remember the saying: if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck & acts like a duck it’s a bloody duck! This means: if you dress like a hoochie men will think you are a hoochie and will not care that you may only be one of 9 specialist aortic surgeons in the world… all he has seen is boob. Its like that scene in Austen Powers III (Goldmember) where Austen can only focus on that man’s mole… the guy is staring at your boobs and thinking “boobies, boobies, boobies… must look away from boobs” at which point the only other things available to him are your backless top, you’re too short skirt and the knee high boots (have a; meaning 1 focal point!) Which brings me to another point:

 

v     Yes, you can show too much skin! Let’s use this example: do you want the sushi that’s been sitting on the table all day, un-refrigerated and possibly touched by anyone and everyone? Or the newly made ones sitting fresh on the conveyer belt with that little lid on it? If you need another example lets remember why, at the end of the day that package of (once fresh) sushi is suddenly ‘buy 1, get 1 free’

 

v     Going ‘dutch’ is the biggest load of shit! If you like a guy or he likes you and it’s a date you do NOT pay for your half. I have never ever paid for lunch, coffee, cake & coffee etc with a guy where I knew that the intention was to discover if there was anything more than friendship. That said if I went to lunch with a male friend/colleague then I will definitely pay for my share otr shout him lunch (because the next time we go out for lunch he’s paying?). Another one of my friends totally agrees with this notion and cannot believe that some people offer to pay! What is wrong with these people? It’s different if you’ve known each other for years, are married (obviously), living together and therefore share expenses. Look, a man is a man is a man!

 

v     My mum is definitely right about the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! I have known Mr A for a few years, over the years there have been many exchanges of gifts (what can I say, we’re both quite generous). Of all the gifts which have included a watch, food that I have made, pieces of cake and shirts the most memorable gift that he goes on and on about was the day I dropped of half a dozen large iced cupcakes on my way to university. I had made them that morning and iced them before I left for uni; they looked so good; iced and decorated sitting in mum’s Tupperware container. He was a little perplexed that I was bringing over pink, lilac, chocolate and pastel yellow cupcakes and looked more than a little feminine but he later admitted that he was totally gob smacked that someone besides his mother would think to do something so sweet and kind!

 

v     This is a really common saying I know – but it needs to be said: people are not gonna buy the cow if they get the milk for free! Now before you throw your arms in the air and tell me I’m being old fashioned let me please explain: if you’re in a defacto relationship (ouch – I just realized that defacto has another word in it – defect!) for the last 8-ish years and now you want him to marry you it is not going to happen easily! He has the cow, the milk, the entire farm that the two of you built and now you want a ring too? That’s not to say that there are exceptions to every rule but in his mind if ain’t broke – it don’t need no fixing!

 

v     Paint your invisible line in the sand…. And stick to it! What are you willing to deal with? What is the last straw? Remember that line – write it down… stop rubbing out and re-lining! How long are you willing to stay in limbo???? Are you content with this limbo?

 

If all else fails and you’re sitting there feeling lonesome just remember… every pot (seriously… every pot!) has its lid!

 

Oh – and for those that are plodding along happily without any clarity, no need for destination, happy and content in their current relationship/situation I commend you… you are much, much braver than I!

 

To each their own!